Friday, December 25, 2015
Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I put on the Santa hat with real cat fur trim that I found in the basement at home this morning, and took the bag of candy that Allie gave me and distributed it to all the patients who made it to the activity room. Mr. Matthews insisted he share his candy cane with me.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I took down all the stockings with names of patients who have died this past year.
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 6:35 PM
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I drew a picture of a Christmas tree and hung it on the wall of the activity room since the patients there do not have a real tree.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I helped Mr. Matthews hang mistletoe in his room.
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 4:19 PM
Kiddies, it's time to revisit some of your favorite Winsome Family Christmas Tips from years past.
- Don't get a terminally ill person a long book as a Christmas gift.
- If you're unsure what to get someone for Christmas this year, keep in mind that one gift that is always appreciated is the promise of a strong alibi.
- Remember, lots of people get sick at this time of year, so illness is a believable excuse if you wish to avoid seeing certain relatives. Telling them you don't feel up for a visit isn't really a lie, is it?
- Use the socks of loved ones who have died in the past year as Christmas stockings. This will keep them present for one final holiday. Don't bother using baby's socks, however, as not much will fit in them.
- Remember on Christmas to take a moment to think of those less fortunate than you. That's a good way to provide a much needed chuckle during this sometimes stressful holiday.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I swapped out the patients’ pills for the more festive red and green candies.
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 2:08 PM
Hi, Kiddies! Today I received an email from Oliver Tannenbaum of San Francisco, California. Oliver writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, every year for Christmas I receive a check from my grandmother for $25. The amount never changes, though my grandmother in recent years has actually become quite rich. This year I noticed that my aunt's name had been added to the check as an account holder, and it was done without any warning or explanation. How do I take my aunt's place in this role? Because then there will be no more of these paltry $25 checks."
Well, Oliver, you need to impress upon your grandmother that you are good with money, and that you have her best interests at heart. Or you could approach it from the angle that your aunt isn't any good with money. Perhaps she doesn't have a very good gambling record? Or maybe she's made poor investments in the past? Even if it's something from deep within your aunt's past, mentioning it will certainly jar your grandmother's memory. And, Sweetie, if this was a sudden decision on your grandmother's part, perhaps she isn't doing well, so you'll have to act quickly.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Today to provide some holiday cheer at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I assisted the nurses by wrapping the patients’ possessions, so they’ll have something to open on Christmas.
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 5:58 PM
Friday, December 18, 2015
Hi, Kiddies! Today I received a letter from Mr. Matthews of the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mr. Matthews writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, it doesn't quite feel like Christmas around here. The staff put up some old decorations, but it's just not enough to get the residents to stop moping. A visit from Cindy would sure give us some holiday cheer."
What a great idea, Mr. Matthews! Cindy must have some time off from school for Christmas. Whenever I see her, I'll send her your way.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Monday, December 14, 2015
Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received an email from Stephen Hopkins of Boulder, Colorado. Stephen writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, in September for my fortieth birthday my great uncle gave to me a valuable painting that has been in the family for generations. Now he's planning a trip out to visit me this Christmas. With his failing health, I never imagined I'd see him again, let alone that he'd be able to fly all the way out here from Virginia. But he said he'd really like to spend time with me once more before he passes, and mentioned that he looks forward to seeing where I’ve hung the painting. The truth is, I sold it to finance a memorable weekend in Las Vegas. What should I do?"
Well, Stephen, the important question to consider here is whether your great uncle has any other valuables. If so, then you should definitely welcome him into your home this holiday. When he arrives, tell him that the painting means so much to you that you decided to have the frame polished by professionals. Tell him that the people you chose come highly recommended, and because of that, they’re so busy this holiday that they won’t be able to complete the job until after the new year. That way, even if your great uncle stays for a week, he won’t expect to see the painting. If, on the other hand, this was the only valuable item you stand to inherit from him, then tell him you have other plans for the holiday.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
I kept hearing that times were changing, and now I believe it. On Saturday I had a date, and the man actually expected me to pay for my own meal. I was astonished and disgusted. And then embarrassed, as of course I hadn't brought my wallet. So today I called an emergency session at the women's center to discuss this problem. Oddly, the girls there were unfazed by my story. They seemed to not have a problem with paying on a date, saying it made them feel more independent. So clearly they're more troubled than I had thought. As I've said before, these girls can really use my help. So I held an impromptu seminar on proper dating etiquette, and stressed how important it is to discover ahead of time whether the man intends to pay or not. I told them to ask the man if the restaurant accepts credit cards, or if they need to swing by the ATM before the date. If the man is worth pursuing, he will say right then that he's paying. If he says anything else, then it's time to back out of the date. It feels good to turn what was a tragedy for me into a lesson for others.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
Kiddies, I just received an email marked "URGENT." Matt Finley writes: "I work as a deputy coroner in Las Vegas. I got the paperwork on a young man who'd died, and tried several times throughout the morning and early afternoon to reach his family by phone. We are not allowed to leave messages concerning deaths, so my boss told me to drive by their home to break the news. Well, I ended up at the wrong apartment, but coincidentally the family there had a son with the same name as the deceased. The mother understandably burst into tears, and I did my best to console her. It wasn't until I got back to the office that I realized my mistake. Michael Johnson is such a common name, but still I can't be responsible for there being two Michael Johnsons in the same apartment complex. However, my boss is unlikely to view the situation in that light, and because I was late to work a few times in the past month, I don't want to risk admitting the error. What should I do?"
Well, Matt, it's unhealthy to interrupt the grieving process, especially with news that might provide yet another shock. Admitting the error could also provide your boss with possible grounds for your dismissal. So I think you know what you need to do. The parents are going to require their son's body as they make preparations for the funeral. And this needs to be taken care of soon, before he gets home or contacts them. Don't let an honest mix-up signal the end of a promising and enjoyable career.
Friday, November 20, 2015
It was fifty-two years ago today that Jack became Jacqueline, the first Winsome Family member to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, thereby successfully eluding the FBI while simultaneously becoming the tallest female Winsome Family member (a record that holds to this day).
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
As you know, Kiddies, I enjoy supplementing my income with a little gambling now and again. Yesterday morning a fan asked me for my inside scoop on a car race. Though I can't bring myself to watch something so dull and repetitive, my fan's question got me to thinking about what it would take to make car racing interesting. I submit this plan to the car-racing officials.
- Instead of an oval configuration, make the track a figure eight, with a four-way stop in the middle.
- Flat courses are too easy, so add some hills, potholes and even a cliff at one side of the track.
- Hold the races at night, so that the drivers' visibility will be challenged.
- Don't allow pit stops; the drivers have to continue without any help.
- As in football, rain or snow should not delay or stop a race. Play through!
- Toss a dozen or so cats onto the course to work as moving obstacles.
- Put a couple of crosswalks on the track, and hire some homeless people to act as pedestrians.
- Build a school for the blind in the grassy area of the course.
- At least two of the cars in any given race must be driven by elderly Asian women.
- Put a post office at one end of the track, and once each race, every driver must stop and wait in line to mail a package. Hire four or five post office employees, but keep only one window open.
- At the other end of the track, build a bar, and instruct each driver to have six drinks over the course of the race.
- Construction crews should constantly alter the course, narrowing it at some points to just one lane. Avoid those orange cones, Kiddies!
- Each car should have only one sponsor, and the driver must carry some of that product in the car and use it at least once during the race.
Let me know when you've implemented these improvements, and I will begin watching and betting.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
Help spread the word, Kiddies! Go to your bank wearing dark clothes and a ski mask, but then instead of a demand for money, slip the teller a note which reads, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog." She will be relieved and delighted. Be sure to tell her to have a wonderful day before you leave.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
The Halloween party at the women's center was a total success. The girls outdid themselves, exceeding even my expectations in the amount of alcohol they contributed. The center hadn't budgeted for a band, so Edward made me a copy of his new Halloween mix tape, which everyone seemed to enjoy. And the girls sure were surprised when the men started showing up. I'd assumed they'd each invite a date, but early in the evening I saw that this wasn't the case. So I sneaked out for a moment to some of the neighborhood bars, and told the men there that we were having a party with plenty of free alcohol. That's when things really got swinging. The party was so successful that the head of the center told me the girls would no longer need my help. But I assured her there was still plenty I would do to improve the girls' lives.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Halloween is on a Saturday this year, and I was planning on taking the girls back to the bowling alley for the Halloween costume contest, but the head of the women's center asked me not to, saying the temptation for mischief would be too great for them. So I suggested bringing the party to the women's center, turning it into a haunted house to keep with the holiday theme. She said it was a brilliant idea, and put me in charge of organizing the festivities. After purchasing cobwebs and renting a fog machine, I realized the head of the women's center had neglected to budget for alcohol. So I asked each of the girls to provide some drinks. Knowing them, we'll have a fully stocked bar.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
If you're under house arrest, you can still enjoy Halloween, because this is the one day where the children come to you. Just make the monitoring device on your ankle a part of your costume. One idea that could work well is a robot.
Friday, October 23, 2015
For Halloween, make a scary mix tape. I'm making a new one to play in my ice cream truck. It is the traditional ice cream truck theme song, spliced with recordings of children screaming that I made over the summer. Because of that children's song that goes, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream," I thought it would be easy to make these recordings. But what I found is that children did not scream for ice cream. The screaming came later. This tape should be enticing and terrifying, perfect for our Halloween festivities.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
When going on your nightly escapades, leave your cell phones at home, Kiddies. While I understand your eagerness to check for Grandmother's Fanny Game blog updates, I must warn you that the light from your phone could give away your position. So just wait until morning.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
Carry a severed hand with you when going on your nightly escapades, and press it against any flat surfaces you come in contact with. The police will be baffled at finding the prints of a dead person.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Hi, Kiddies! Yesterday I received an email from Amy Blanchard of Dallas, Texas. Amy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, recently I learned of a manufacturer's recall of the car seat we've been using for little Tina. My husband and I are very busy, and it would be such a hassle to return to the store. Besides, the seat seems to be working fine, and it took us a long time to find one that matches our car's upholstery. Are we under any legal obligation to abide by the recall?"
Well, Amy, the recall is the company's way of covering itself should something go wrong. So, no, you are under no obligation to abide by it. If you haven't had any troubles with the car seat thus far, and time is an issue, I say stick with what you've got, especially if you like the color.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Getting rid of a house guest can be as easy as telling the person it's time to go. But if you wish to be a little more gentle or subtle about it, here are some suggestions:
- Begin sneezing and coughing around your guest
- Tell your guest that someone whom he or she dislikes will be dropping by
- Initiate a personal argument with someone else in the house to make your guest feel uncomfortable
- Tell him or her the exterminator will be coming by to spray for bedbugs
- Remove the fuses from your fuse box, and tell your guest it will take several days before the electricity can be fixed
- Serve expired food for dinner
- Fake a robbery in your home, and target your guest's wallet or purse (but be sure to leave his or her car keys and enough money to get home)
- Slaughter your pet and hang it in the guest room for the person to find
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 11:55 AM
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Yesterday I showed up at the women's center, ready to take the girls out for another fun night on the town. But when I got there, the head of the center told me she'd already made reservations for us at the local bowling alley. She must have made a hasty choice because the place lacked a bar. So I drove the girls across town to a bowling alley where there is a fun atmosphere, because I know these young women like to drink. We had such a good time, and I didn't think of Glenn even once the entire evening.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
It turns out that not everyone who is deaf is an aspiring comedian. Just because they insist on speaking with a funny voice doesn't mean they are intending to be humorous, as someone at the women's center was quick to point out to me today.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Life insurance companies are known for dragging their feet when paying out a claim. So as soon as the doctor says things aren't looking good for your loved one, give the company a call and get the ball rolling.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
Sunday, September 13, 2015
If you don't have time to dispose of the evidence, quickly snap a few photos and email them to the police. Let them know in your message that you stumbled upon the scene and, once you determined what it was you had found, felt a need to perform your civic duty. The police will then think of you as a witness rather than a suspect, and any evidence of your presence at the scene, such as fingerprints, shoe prints or hair follicles, should be explained to their satisfaction.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Monday, August 31, 2015
Hi, Kiddies! Last week I received a letter from Yolanda Perez of Queens, New York. Yolanda writes: “Dear Grandmother Winsome, my daughter Miranda is a talented but struggling actress in her early thirties. She often goes out on auditions, mainly for Hispanic roles, but is almost never cast because she doesn’t have an Hispanic accent. I want to help her out however I can, and in my research discovered an unusual medical condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people suddenly begin speaking with a foreign accent after severe head trauma. So I clonked Miranda on the side of the head. The problem is that when she came out of her coma she began speaking with a thick German accent. This, sadly, is actually causing her even more difficulty in getting cast. What should I do? Perhaps I didn’t hit her hard enough? Or I hit her in the wrong spot? What can I do to get her career on track?"
Well, Yolanda, this is indeed a rare medical condition. I hadn’t heard of it until you brought it to my attention. Not a lot of research has been done, so I suggest hitting your daughter in different spots until you discover the location that produces the Hispanic accent. Be sure to keep detailed notes so others can reproduce the effect. Thank you for bringing this condition to my attention. I am fascinated by it, and will soon be conducting a series of experiments of my own. I spent the weekend gathering a large number of cats, and am excited to learn if I can cause them to bark like dogs.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Kiddies, it's time to look back at another important moment in Winsome Family history. It was thirty years ago that I drew up my first plans for a time-travel machine, as several associates were looking for ways of escaping those awful Reagan years. Although it would be nearly three decades before I perfected the machine, the efforts then helped get our minds off of the times. Coincidentally, this morning Buddy, the Time-Traveling Cat suddenly returned. At least, I think it's Buddy. Though all of my test subjects are properly labeled when they're in storage, when they're out, it's difficult to tell them apart. From now on I will brand them.