Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're designing your own house, be sure to include a crematorium. You want to make sure the bodies of deceased loved ones burn right away, particularly if you believe the police might suspect foul play.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I spent some time in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home, looking over all the items laid out on my laboratory table, and trying to figure out what my next experiment would be. I assumed at least one of the patients would come to me with an exciting and mysterious new ailment or rash that would require my attention. None did. So I put on my safety goggles and rubber gloves, picked up the scalpel and drain cleaner, and went to most of the patients' rooms to ask if they had any new troubles that I could find a cure for. But they remained very quiet.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

While many have said that a woman should arrive fashionably late to a party, I disagree. Get there early so you can have the first crack at each man as he arrives. Plus, the alcohol will still be fully stocked.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're writing an autobiography, be sure to include how influential Grandmother Winsome has been to your success.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you plan on selling your property, sell it to someone you think may commit serious crimes. That way, if the authorities should come to discover any evidence on the grounds, they will assume it is connected to the current owner, and you'll be in the clear.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When designing your house, be sure to leave some space in the basement for a jail cell. They come in handy more often than you might think.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before leaving a friend's home, check your purse to make sure she hasn't slipped any evidence into it.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you live near a prominent red-light district, disguise yourself as a hooker and tell each john that pulls up to follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.  

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This week I took some of the money I've earned from my job at the Birch Street Nursing Home and used it to purchase things I'll need for my experiments. Today, before I went about my chores, I took those items to the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home and spread them out on my laboratory table – measuring cups, a mortar and pestle grinding bowl set, an extension cord, eye dropper, tweezers, a butcher's saw, safety goggles, electrical tape, industrial glue and drain cleaner. My laboratory looks ready for my next experiment!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're planning a prison break, wait until Halloween, when your orange jumpsuit will seem like just another costume.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're an ambulance driver, wait until you arrive at the hospital or the patient is pronounced dead, whichever happens first.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

If you park your ice cream truck on a busy street, put traffic cones around it to warn motorists. You don't want any of the adorable children getting run over.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you find your maid with a free moment, have her don a pair of plastic gloves and crack pistachios for your mid-afternoon snack.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, if you run a hotel or resort, give a Grandmother Winsome discount to all fans of Grandmother's Fanny Game for the month of October in celebration of my birthday. You'll be spreading the word and will likely be lighting that "No Vacancy" sign every night.

Fanny Mail: A Touching Message From San Jose

Kiddies, I just received an email from Alan Chun of San Jose, California. Alan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife and I think it's never too early for someone to start developing the skills he or she will need for a career as an adult. And so we introduced our seven-year-old daughter to online chat rooms as a way to improve her typing. My wife and I would love to dedicate more time to perfecting our daughter's future, but we are both very busy people. Fortunately, a generous, charitable man on the site named MisterFister4 has taken her under his wing. Now we no longer have to monitor her computer sessions to make sure she's not making mistakes. And earlier today our daughter said that MisterFister4 told her he'd be able to help her even more in person. What luck! I just wanted to share this story, because it's important to take note that even in these crazy, hate-filled times, there are kind people who will step in to offer their help."

Wonderful, Alan! Thank you for your message. This is a handy reminder to us all.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I saw that the head nurse had left a note for me at the top of my list of chores. It read, "Even though the property buyer said no, we know it's not your fault. Keep up the good work."

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

My ice cream truck has been parked outside my new favorite grammar school for several days. Yesterday after school, I took one of the third grade teachers on a date at a very public place. Now my continuing presence at this grammar school will not be questioned.

Edward's "For Your Information"

It's not a bad idea to be seen with someone your own age from time to time.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you write questions for the SAT, consider adding the following:

Who is the tallest female Winsome Family member in history?

A) Grandmother Winsome

B) Jacqueline

C) Cindy

D) Jane

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

In the past week or so I have visited many different grammar schools in my ice cream truck. Today I found a school that I really like, where the children are cute and hungry for my treats, so I plan on staying here for several more days.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you can't afford to hire one of the best lawyers, then consider hiring one of the worst. A completely incompetent lawyer is good grounds for an appeal.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a football referee, wait until halftime. If you don't want to wait that long, simply make a bad call that a coach will certainly challenge. While the other referees are reviewing the play, you will have the time you need.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I noticed several paintings leaning against the front desk. There were cans of paint and other items stacked on top of the desk. When I read my list of chores, I realized all these things were there for me to use. The list was different from usual, and included hanging the paintings over the holes in the walls, tucking away the exposed wiring, painting over all areas with visible water damage, placing air fresheners throughout the building, waxing the floors in the hallways, and fixing the railing at the base of the stairs. The head nurse left a note at the top of my list, saying that the place had to look perfect because a potential buyer will be coming Monday morning.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If a particular family member has surprised you by surviving to see another birthday, ease the pain by spending that day updating his or her obituary.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you own a bar, whenever you're not showing an important game on the television, show your favorite episodes of Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Kansas

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Bradley Weaver of Hays, Kansas. Bradley writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was teased throughout my childhood because of my buck teeth. My parents always told me that my teeth were the first things to grow and the rest of my body would catch up soon. They said I'd look fine as an adult. But things just didn't turn out that way. Now I'm considering my first attempt at having a child of my own. Do you have any advice on how to make sure my child's teeth will be of normal size? I would hate for him to face the ridicule that I did."

Sweetie, find a woman with no teeth at all. That should even things out.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I had a good time last spring visiting all those grammar schools, and now that school is back in session, I have decided to take the ice cream truck on one last adventure before the weather turns cold. So, children, don't worry if you didn't see me in the spring. There's a chance you will see me this month. Print out this permission slip and, when you see me outside your classroom, show it to your teacher, and join me for a nice treat in the back of my truck.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Visiting children in the hospital is actually considered to be a good deed, so you don't need to sneak around.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you work as a yoga instructor, wait until you put your class into corpse pose before looking at your phone.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Hazel's sores must be completely healed because I noticed she was back to her usual spot in her favorite chair by the window. After checking in on her, I went back downstairs to read my list of chores, which this week included mowing the lawn. The grass was pretty tall, and I was able to mow a smiley face beneath Hazel's window so she'll have something cheerful to look at.