Monday, November 30, 2015
I kept hearing that times were changing, and now I believe it. On Saturday I had a date, and the man actually expected me to pay for my own meal. I was astonished and disgusted. And then embarrassed, as of course I hadn't brought my wallet. So today I called an emergency session at the women's center to discuss this problem. Oddly, the girls there were unfazed by my story. They seemed to not have a problem with paying on a date, saying it made them feel more independent. So clearly they're more troubled than I had thought. As I've said before, these girls can really use my help. So I held an impromptu seminar on proper dating etiquette, and stressed how important it is to discover ahead of time whether the man intends to pay or not. I told them to ask the man if the restaurant accepts credit cards, or if they need to swing by the ATM before the date. If the man is worth pursuing, he will say right then that he's paying. If he says anything else, then it's time to back out of the date. It feels good to turn what was a tragedy for me into a lesson for others.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
Kiddies, I just received an email marked "URGENT." Matt Finley writes: "I work as a deputy coroner in Las Vegas. I got the paperwork on a young man who'd died, and tried several times throughout the morning and early afternoon to reach his family by phone. We are not allowed to leave messages concerning deaths, so my boss told me to drive by their home to break the news. Well, I ended up at the wrong apartment, but coincidentally the family there had a son with the same name as the deceased. The mother understandably burst into tears, and I did my best to console her. It wasn't until I got back to the office that I realized my mistake. Michael Johnson is such a common name, but still I can't be responsible for there being two Michael Johnsons in the same apartment complex. However, my boss is unlikely to view the situation in that light, and because I was late to work a few times in the past month, I don't want to risk admitting the error. What should I do?"
Well, Matt, it's unhealthy to interrupt the grieving process, especially with news that might provide yet another shock. Admitting the error could also provide your boss with possible grounds for your dismissal. So I think you know what you need to do. The parents are going to require their son's body as they make preparations for the funeral. And this needs to be taken care of soon, before he gets home or contacts them. Don't let an honest mix-up signal the end of a promising and enjoyable career.
Friday, November 20, 2015
It was fifty-two years ago today that Jack became Jacqueline, the first Winsome Family member to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, thereby successfully eluding the FBI while simultaneously becoming the tallest female Winsome Family member (a record that holds to this day).
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
As you know, Kiddies, I enjoy supplementing my income with a little gambling now and again. Yesterday morning a fan asked me for my inside scoop on a car race. Though I can't bring myself to watch something so dull and repetitive, my fan's question got me to thinking about what it would take to make car racing interesting. I submit this plan to the car-racing officials.
- Instead of an oval configuration, make the track a figure eight, with a four-way stop in the middle.
- Flat courses are too easy, so add some hills, potholes and even a cliff at one side of the track.
- Hold the races at night, so that the drivers' visibility will be challenged.
- Don't allow pit stops; the drivers have to continue without any help.
- As in football, rain or snow should not delay or stop a race. Play through!
- Toss a dozen or so cats onto the course to work as moving obstacles.
- Put a couple of crosswalks on the track, and hire some homeless people to act as pedestrians.
- Build a school for the blind in the grassy area of the course.
- At least two of the cars in any given race must be driven by elderly Asian women.
- Put a post office at one end of the track, and once each race, every driver must stop and wait in line to mail a package. Hire four or five post office employees, but keep only one window open.
- At the other end of the track, build a bar, and instruct each driver to have six drinks over the course of the race.
- Construction crews should constantly alter the course, narrowing it at some points to just one lane. Avoid those orange cones, Kiddies!
- Each car should have only one sponsor, and the driver must carry some of that product in the car and use it at least once during the race.
Let me know when you've implemented these improvements, and I will begin watching and betting.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
Help spread the word, Kiddies! Go to your bank wearing dark clothes and a ski mask, but then instead of a demand for money, slip the teller a note which reads, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog." She will be relieved and delighted. Be sure to tell her to have a wonderful day before you leave.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
The Halloween party at the women's center was a total success. The girls outdid themselves, exceeding even my expectations in the amount of alcohol they contributed. The center hadn't budgeted for a band, so Edward made me a copy of his new Halloween mix tape, which everyone seemed to enjoy. And the girls sure were surprised when the men started showing up. I'd assumed they'd each invite a date, but early in the evening I saw that this wasn't the case. So I sneaked out for a moment to some of the neighborhood bars, and told the men there that we were having a party with plenty of free alcohol. That's when things really got swinging. The party was so successful that the head of the center told me the girls would no longer need my help. But I assured her there was still plenty I would do to improve the girls' lives.