Spread The Word

If you work as a radio disc jockey, before you play your favorite song, tell your listening audience, "This one goes out to Grandmother Winsome."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the first day I was able to let myself into the Birch Street Nursing Home with my own key. I'm glad I remembered to bring it, because I didn't see any other staff members the entire day. My list of duties was left at the front desk, just as the head nurse told me it would be. The list was much longer than I'd expected. Good thing I had reorganized the pantry last week, because one thing on the list was making meals for all the patients.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you feel you absolutely must make a map to the location of your buried loot, have a child draw it, and make sure he uses crayons. That way, should others see it, they will dismiss it immediately, deeming it the product of a child's imagination.

Spread The Word

Spread the word, Kiddies! The next time you go out for a night of improvisation at the local theatre, when the audience is asked for the name of a celebrity, yell out "Grandmother Winsome!" And for the location, shout "Winsome Headquarters!"

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

One way to collect a little money on your next trip is to take a dead dog on the airplane. Then, when you arrive at your destination, act distraught about its death and accuse the airline of being at fault. You can use the quick settlement to upgrade your hotel accommodations.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a contestant on a game show, when the host asks you tell the audience a little about yourself, start by saying you are a dedicated follower of Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I reorganized the pantry. The nurses told me to sort the canned goods, moving the expired cans to the front of the shelves so they'll be used first. I also replaced all the burned-out light bulbs in the building. I was surprised at how many there were. The nurses must be happy with my work, because before I left they gave me my very own key to the Birch Street Nursing Home. The head nurse told me from now on I am to let myself in and follow the written instructions she'll leave at the front desk.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while it may be tempting to make a few bucks at a pawn shop by unloading items that could be used as evidence against you, it's not worth the risk of being seen and identified on their security cameras.

Spread The Word

If you're planning to filibuster a bill on the Senate floor, use your time to read every post on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. If you're still standing when you reach the end, start over.

Spread The Word

If you work as a baseball game announcer for television, when the camera catches something pink in the crowd, say, "Oh, for a moment I thought Grandmother Winsome was in attendance today." And if you're the color guy, add, "Now that would have gotten this crowd on its feet."

Fanny Mail: A Delightful Message From Nebraska

Kiddies, I received a letter from Bernadette Platte of Hastings, Nebraska. Bernadette writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was recently at the mall when I had a need to use the facilities. Unfortunately, there was a sign in front of the door saying 'Restroom Closed For Cleaning.' However, underneath that, someone had written in marker, 'In the meantime, check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.' So I sat down on the nearby bench, took out my phone, and began reading posts on your blog. Grandmother, I ended up reading your entire blog, and, as the restroom was still closed, then went home to tell my husband about the wonderful Grandmother's Fanny Game. He is now busy reading your posts, and says he does not want to be interrupted while he peruses your legal advice. Grandmother, I am so happy that he and I have a new common interest after forty years of marriage."

Bernadette, thank you so much for your lovely message. I am pleased to know that your time at the mall was well spent. 

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you decide to cut out letters from a magazine to create your ransom note, be sure to use a national magazine with a large number of subscribers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Thursday, Grandmother told me I would be spending my Saturdays working at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and today I reported for my first day. The nurses had gathered most of the patients into the activity room and introduced me as the newest staff member. I recognized some of the patients, but there were many unfamiliar faces. One of my tasks today was to dye Mrs. Geffner's hair. I hadn't even recognized her at first, because her blue hair had gone completely white. Now it's back to its beautiful blue, and Mrs. Geffner couldn't be more pleased. At the end of the day, the head nurse handed me ten dollars, and on the way home I decided exactly where I would hide it.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

The dry cleaners is an ideal place to meet men. Thanks to the clear bags they use, you can see the type of clothing a man has. Suits and dress shirts indicate that he has a high-paying job. And the fact that he's picking up the clothing suggests that he doesn't have a wife to run his errands.

Fanny Mail: A Job Offer For Cindy

Kiddies, today I received an email from Luanne Chambers, the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Luanne writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, it was a pleasure seeing Cindy again early last month when she visited Mr. Matthews. Because so many of our patients are happier when she is around, the other staff members and I got together and have decided to offer her a job here at the Birch Street Nursing Home. We know she is still busy with school, but thought she'd like to spend her Saturdays with us. Then when school closes for the summer, we may add other days as we need her. We can offer Cindy ten dollars a day to perform chores around the grounds and in the patients' rooms. And don't worry about sending a lunch with her, because Cindy will have access to the kitchen and pantry. We feel this would be a great opportunity for her, and it would certainly provide much cheer for the patients. Thank you for your consideration, Grandmother Winsome. And let me just say that we are all fans of the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog here at the Birch Street Nursing Home."

Well, Luanne, that does sound like a delightful opportunity for Cindy. I accept your offer on her behalf, and will let her know the good news shortly. 

Spread The Word

If you're a well-known sports figure, during your post-game interviews, be sure to dedicate your victory to Grandmother Winsome.

Fanny Mail: Grief Counseling In Minnesota

Kiddies, today I received an email from Ashley Anderson of Duluth, Minnesota. Ashley writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I work at a grief counselor's office. A few weeks ago, we here in the office read your post about making a recording of our favorite Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living and playing it for patients while they're on hold. We implemented this idea immediately, and soon found that people didn't need us as much after that. Once, after a woman had been on hold for a few minutes, we answered, only to be told that a tip she heard on the recording helped her and she no longer needed our assistance. So now standard operating procedure here is to leave people on hold. Nine out of ten times, if they're on hold long enough, they'll hear a tip that applies to their problem and will hang up before we even pick up. Work has become so much easier, and even fun, thanks to your idea. Thank you from all of us here in Duluth."

Ashley, I am delighted to hear that my tips have made your work more enjoyable. And I am tickled pink that your recording has helped so many people. Be sure to update that recording every time I post a new tip here on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're going to run in a marathon, cover yourself in "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers. And to get the most television coverage, stay at the head of the pack.

Fan Photo

Looks like Mr. Cheddar knew where he would end his day.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, shredding documents is a crucial step in the process of avoiding prosecution. But your work is not complete after the paper goes through the machine, for those shreds could be placed back together by someone who had the desire to do so. Here are additional safeguards you should take after shredding the documents:

• Soak the shreds in the bathtub over night.
• Place the soaked shreds in several plastic bags.
• Toss each of those plastic bags into a different dumpster throughout your area.

Following these steps will keep even the most determined investigator from piecing together your documents.

Spread The Word

If you are officiating a wedding ceremony, and you receive a notice on your phone that a new Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update went up, pause the ceremony for a moment to read the post to the guests. It will put them at ease to know they're not missing any important updates.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you are in the mood for seafood tonight, but don't enjoy spending time in the great outdoors, one place where the fish are always biting is the local aquarium. There are so many exotic dishes to choose from! Try the octopus. It's delicious.

Poll Results: What Is Your Biggest Fear About Coming Back In The Future?

Kiddies, the results from my latest poll are in. As you'll recall, I learned that the vast majority of my fans do not wish to be cryogenically frozen. This surprised me, so I decided to find out why. Here are the results.

Edward's Message To The Children

My ice cream truck is back on the road, and I plan on visiting as many grammar schools as possible before summer. So when you see my truck parked outside your classroom, give your teacher this permission slip and come out to the truck and join me in a tasty treat.

See you soon.

Spread The Word

If you work for the Department of City Planning, name a new road "Grandmother Winsome Boulevard."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Establish a pattern of forgetfulness in your day-to-day life. Skip an occasional doctor's appointment. Forget a family member's birthday. Perhaps even forget your own birthday. That way, if you're ever called into court as a witness, it will be believable if you claim to not recall any details.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you own a bar, have a Grandmother Winsome Night. Anyone wearing Grandmother Winsome pink gets a free upgrade to top-shelf liquor.