Thursday, August 31, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While selling evidence at a yard sale is a bad idea, as the buyer might remember your address, selling evidence at a flea market is actually a good idea. And if you set the price low enough, your buyer might turn around and sell the item again, adding yet another set of fingerprints and further improving the odds that the evidence won't lead back to you.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome's Advice Is Proved To Be Effective

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Professor Phillip Dubois of Grantham, New Hampshire. Phillip writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been following your advice since the inception of the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog in 2011, and have found it to be extremely helpful in my day-to-day existence. I was curious to prove scientifically that following your advice improves one's quality of life. I work in the psychology department of a well-respected college, and decided to conduct an experiment with the summer term's class. I divided the class into two groups. The students in the first group were instructed to go about their lives with only Grandmother Winsome as their guide, following only your advice. The students in the second group were left free to follow whatever advice they desired, apart from that offered by you on the blog. Of this second group, three were arrested and are in jail, awaiting trial. A fourth committed suicide. Others dropped out of the course. Of the group that followed your advice, there was a significantly improved quality of life, with two of them receiving inheritances. A third now has a much happier home life after organizing her mother's cats. Others got out of bad relationships and parking tickets. And none of the students from that group ran into any legal trouble. I wanted to share with you these results, as I am certain you'd be interested in my little experiment."

Phillip, thank you so much for your delightful letter. Please continue to spread the word by sharing the results of your experiment with all future students, emphasizing how well following the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog pays off. Also, if you haven't done so already, tell the students of the second group that are still living that they can now follow my advice.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Fanny Mail: A More Pleasant Experience At The Dentist's Office

Kiddies, I just received a delightful email from Tanya Platt of Lawton, Oklahoma. Tanya writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, recently I was waiting at my dentist's office again with several broken teeth and in considerable pain. Instead of the usual awful music playing in the reception area, there was a recording of the dentist reading posts from your blog. It calmed my nerves during the three hours I was waiting, and now I am proud to say that I am a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome, and I have a new set of teeth."

Welcome aboard, Sweetie! And I'm glad to hear you have a good dentist.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Jane's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

I was disappointed that the local tavern didn't have a special happy hour during the solar eclipse.

Edward's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

I was terribly disappointed with the solar eclipse. It didn't get nearly dark enough to suit my purposes.

Cindy's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Allie's disappointed that I won't be able to watch the solar eclipse with her, but Grandmother has given me a special assignment that must be done during that time.

Another Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Kiddies, while everyone else is busy looking up at the sun, you can be busy disposing of evidence.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

A Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to look up at the sun during the upcoming solar eclipse, think of the consequences. You could damage your eyes and no longer be able to read my delightful blog posts.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a dentist, instead of pumping bad music into the reception area, make a recording of yourself reading the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts, which you then can play on a loop for those waiting.

Monday, August 14, 2017

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

If you're stuck in traffic, Kiddies, do not despair. As long as you have an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car, that time spent in traffic is not time wasted because you'll be helping to spread the word.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Fan Photo

 The cat won't hang itself, Kiddies.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Lip Reading Course

Kiddies, today I completed my intensive course on lip reading. I encourage you all to take a similar course, for it can be beneficial to know what people are saying when they're whispering or when they believe they're outside of earshot. However, I was surprised to learn that avoiding having your own lips read was not covered by the course. So let me fill in that gap by offering a few free tips. If you're a sports fan, like I am, you are probably already aware that you can cover your mouth whenever saying anything you might not want to share with your opponents. That is the easiest way to avoid having your lips read, but use this method judiciously, as it may suggest to those watching that you're trying to hide something. Another option is to speak as a ventriloquist does, with as little movement of the mouth as possible. While that could mean taking a second course, it would be worth the investment in the long run. A third option is to have some code words with your associates. That way, anyone reading your lips will be confused and thrown off the trail.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Spread The Word

Kiddies, this morning I received an email from a long-time fan who told me he was just promoted at work, and now has ten people reporting to him. I congratulated him, then offered him this tip on spreading the word: Be sure to order those under you to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game. And start each board meeting by reading aloud the latest blog post to all the stakeholders in the room.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Coffee Shop Tip

Good morning, Kiddies! Coffee shops have become so popular that people now must leave their names when giving their orders. While I understand not wanting to give the barista your real name because of safety concerns, I caution you against using the name Grandmother Winsome, because others in the coffee shop may be disappointed when they learn that I'm not really there. Instead, use one of the many aliases that the Winsome Family has discarded. For a list of some available aliases, click here.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

The ice cream business is booming. Today I was in a largely Hispanic neighborhood. I had picked up a little Spanish from my work in protecting illegal immigrant children. "Tengo miedo" means "I'm frightened." And it turns out "No" means the same in Spanish as it does in English. But I haven't yet learned the Spanish words for the various ice cream flavors, so I had each child step into the truck one at a time to point to the specific flavor he desired.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in parking enforcement, when leaving tickets on illegally parked cars, also leave a note letting the drivers know that you don't ticket cars that have "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Exciting News, Kiddies!

A new study by several professionals in the medical field shows that following Grandmother Winsome reduces anxiety levels in all patients.