Tuesday, May 31, 2016

A Grandmother Winsome Book

I think it's about time for a Grandmother Winsome book, Kiddies! So if any of you knows a publisher, please make him or her aware of this wonderful opportunity.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're employed as a masseur or masseuse, play the relaxing Grandmother Winsome Theme Song while you work over your clients.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Though convenient, it is not always safe to transport your baby in the same backpack you use to carry your laptop. If the baby wets itself, it could really damage your computer. So it's better to transport your baby in a thick plastic bag.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a shrink, tell all your patients that the only path to sanity is by following Grandmother Winsome.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, it's never too early to start building your character witness list.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in a doctor's office, rather than leaving out magazines in the waiting room, print out the previous month's posts from the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for your patients to enjoy. That will put them in a good mood before you go to work on them.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your maid should happen to perish while on the job, just call her husband to pick up the corpse. He will be as unlikely as you to want to get the authorities involved.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Create a stir during your next flight by mentioning to your seat mates that you think you spotted Grandmother Winsome up in first class.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When writing your college application essays, be sure to quote Grandmother Winsome at least three times.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Fanny Mail: A Question About Cindy

Kiddies, I am always happy to hear from longtime fan and frequent contributor Estelle Steadman. Today Estelle writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to check in with you regarding Cindy. I haven't heard anything about her on the blog since Valentine's Day, and I wanted to make sure she hasn't gone missing again. I still have a flier from last time. So if you need me to post it, just let me know."

Estelle, as far as I know, Cindy has not gone missing again. But I will be sure to check on her when I finish my experiment later this week.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to be receiving responses to my online classified ad offering legal advice. If you haven't seen the ad, this is how it reads: "Kiddies, we all get into legal tangles from time to time and need someone's advice on how to get out of them. You can always turn to me. I've advised many people on disposing of evidence, cleaning up crime scenes, avoiding leaving fingerprints, and courtroom demeanor. Contact Grandmother Winsome for help with your legal troubles."

Recently I received a response from Shelia Wallace, who wrote, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?" I responded to her, telling her I'd be happy to help so long as the person she killed wasn't a fan of mine. I offered her some excellent advice on witness tampering and dealing with the jury. And now she has written to me again. This time Shelia writes: "Thank you for your response. I didn't kill anyone, my son has been found guilty of murder and attempted murder. He hasn't been sentenced yet. What's the next step? What is your fee? He has a public defender."

Well, Shelia, I am tickled pink that you would like to hire me. But I have done rather well on the horses lately, so a fee will not be necessary. As for your next step, talk with the person that your son attempted to kill, and convince him or her to argue on behalf of your son for leniency in the sentencing. Such a victim impact statement will certainly have a strong influence on both the jury and the judge. Take that person and his or her family out to dinner and show them what a nice person you are. Mention how hard it was on you having your son locked up on Mother's Day. Also, organize a peaceful rally outside the court on your son's behalf. Public opinion can have an influence on courtroom proceedings. Just be sure not to block traffic.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Jane's Social Work

Spring is in the air. So today I helped the girls at the women's center create online personal ads to find them some men for this weekend. I was surprised to learn that none of the girls had any appropriate photos of themselves, so I had them pose provocatively and snapped some shots with my phone. I was running out of time, so for the last couple of girls we just used their driver's license photos.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in a Chinese restaurant, make sure all the fortune cookies read, "Grandmother Winsome has the answers."

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Spread The Word

If you are a school principal, read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog entry over the intercom system each morning.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Fanny Mail: A Real Estate Question

Hi, Kiddies. Early this morning I received an email from Randall Emery of Mason City, Iowa. Randall writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, when my wife and I were being shown a house by our real estate agent, we discovered a body in the cellar. We bought the house right on the spot. But then when we moved in a week later, we found that the body had been removed. We called our real estate agent to complain, but she said there's nothing she can do. My wife and I went through the rest of the house, and nothing else seems to be missing, but still, since the house was sold to us 'As Is,' we feel cheated and violated. How do we recover our property?"

Well, Randall, you have a right to be upset, particularly if the body was a selling point, and it sounds like it was. Perhaps this is a scam the owner and real estate agent have concocted to run with all of their properties. They might just keep moving the body around, fooling potential buyers into thinking it's included with each house. The public should be warned of such fraudulent business practices. And you are well within your rights to demand the body back. Let the real estate agent know you're onto their scheme, and threaten legal action if your property is not returned within forty-eight hours.

To anyone in the housing market, I strongly recommend taking photographs of every room when purchasing a house, so you'll have proof of what was shown to you by your real estate agent.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to have received another response to my online classified ad offering legal advice. Shelia Wallace writes, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?"

Well, Shelia, I'd be happy to help, so long as the person you killed wasn't a fan of mine. First off, your lawyer should do the actual filing of the motions. And secondly, if you're in prison, you're going to need someone you trust on the outside to handle some of these details. Getting a mistrial the first time around I'm sure seemed like a win, but this time your goal should be for an acquittal. You don't want another mistrial, because it's too risky. Witness tampering will be a key to your success. Get the witnesses to question their memories regarding events outside of the scope of the trial, so that they, and the jury, will come to question their memories in general. That is, of course, only if persuading them to leave the state doesn't work. In addition, you should give some attention to the jury. No one's past is completely without blemish, and having information on the jury members' pasts can be quite helpful if the trial seems to turn against you. The jury will be just as anxious as you to get home and put this behind them. I hope this helps, Sweetie.