Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date shows up without a gift, don't criticize him. Simply order the most expensive item on the menu.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you call a radio talk show, be sure to introduce yourself as a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Unexpected Boon

Kiddies, I was going through my Fanny Mail, and came across a delightful letter from Susan Steele of Raleigh, North Carolina. Susan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to share with you something that happened to me today, and to tell you why I am so thankful that I had purchased an 'I'm following Grandmother Winsome' bumper sticker. I had just had a little drink and was speeding through a school zone, so as not to get stuck behind one of those slow buses, when a police car pulled me over. I was certain I'd get a ticket, but the officer spotted my Grandmother Winsome bumper sticker and ended up giving me just a verbal warning. It seems there are Grandmother's Fanny Game fans everywhere!"

Thank you for sharing, Susan! I'm tickled pink that the bumper sticker proved so handy for you. And for those fans who have not yet purchased an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker, there are still some available.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you have what promises to be a lengthy trial coming up, and your lawyer thinks it doesn't look good for you, adopt a sickly child and seat it just behind you during the proceedings. It will make you seem more compassionate, and won't be much of a time commitment.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Question From Missouri

Kiddies, I am tickled pink at the number of letters that arrived while I was overseas. Today I've decided to answer a letter from Frank Moore of Joplin, Missouri. Frank writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been running an orphanage for the past seven months. When I took over the position, the orphanage had been about to close due to crowded conditions and lack of funding. I turned things around by implementing the system we used at my previous job at the dog pound. If the orphanage is full, a child has seventy-two hours to be claimed, or it is put down. At first, some of the staff found the system distasteful, so I created the Tree Program as well. Each time a child dies, we plant a tree in his or her memory. But now we're running out of room on our two-acre property. The Tree Program has become something of an important tradition here with both the staff and the children. What could I implement that would be a worthy replacement?"

Well, Frank, you could plant something smaller, like a bush. And if you run out of room for those, you could re-name some of the objects that are already there at the orphanage in memory of the children. The Katie Washing Machine, for example, or the Emily Refrigerator, or even the Little Larry Light Switch. Using objects already in your possession would also save the orphanage money. I'm sure the staff and children would enjoy re-naming all the objects they can find.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Grandmother Winsome Returns

Kiddies, I'm back! My overseas trip was delightful and rewarding. I was able to reconnect with some associates I hadn't seen in decades. I got back Thursday, and with renewed energy immediately set to work on a new experiment, one requiring plenty of materials. I employed Cindy's help in tracking down certain items, sending her to places where her small size would give her an advantage in obtaining them. During a short break in my work, while waiting for her to return, I took a look at a couple of Cindy's recent Fanny Game blog posts, and I am very pleased with her work. So I've decided to give Cindy more responsibilities here at Winsome Headquarters. And for those of you who sent in Fanny Mail while I was overseas, I will be getting to some of those letters during future breaks in this important experiment.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan Loves His New Mower

Grandmother is still overseas, and the Fanny Mail is really piling up. Grandmother didn't leave me any instructions regarding the mail, but I don't want her to have too much work waiting for her when she returns. So on my way out the door this morning, I decided to grab one of the letters. I had a chance to read it during lunch and to work on a response during recess. The letter was from Phil Dombrowski of West Mifflin, Pennsylvania, who writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my neighbor's cat had a habit of cutting through my yard, but last weekend when my new 24 horsepower riding lawn mower was delivered, I was finally able to fix the problem. In years past, the cat was able to outrun my old push mower, due mainly to my bad knee. My neighbor was completely understanding of the 'accident' and didn't put up a fuss. And so I got to thinking about my other neighbors' dog, which sometimes barks in the evening. They keep it tied up, and as a result it never enters my yard. So I was just wondering if it would seem suspicious if I offered to mow their lawn."

Well, Mr. Dombrowski, my teacher always says it's nice to help out a neighbor. And I'm sure your neighbors will understand that you want to ride on your new mower as much as possible. Do a good job, and you might find other neighbors requesting your services, and soon you'll be able to mow the entire neighborhood.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Collect feathers whenever you find them to give to the maid so she can keep her feather duster in tip-top shape.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Holding your cell phone to your ear as you walk from the parking lot to the store will help keep homeless people from approaching you. Or at least it will make it more believable that you simply didn’t hear their annoying requests for money.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Sit at the front of the school bus and between stops tell the bus driver all about the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Instead of asking someone if she has gained weight, ask her if her sweater has shrunk. You can be sure she'll get the idea, but you'll save her the embarrassment. You can even express concern that her dryer might be ruining her clothes.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Legal Advice

Always mark on your calendar when your library books are due, so that you don't risk turning them in late and getting in trouble.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

My Traveling Babysitting Service has become so popular among illegal immigrant families hoping to protect their children that not only is my van full, but my associate's camper in the woods is also full. So, out of necessity, I've had to let some of the children go. To create as much space as possible, I've released the largest ones, dropping them off at the next town with instructions to not return to their homes. I reminded them that's the first place the immigration authorities would look.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Winsome Family History: May 1, 2016

It was one year ago today that we learned Milton is allergic to strawberry ice cream.