Monday, August 31, 2015

Fanny Mail: A Question About Acting And Accents

Hi, Kiddies! Last week I received a letter from Yolanda Perez of Queens, New York. Yolanda writes: “Dear Grandmother Winsome, my daughter Miranda is a talented but struggling actress in her early thirties. She often goes out on auditions, mainly for Hispanic roles, but is almost never cast because she doesn’t have an Hispanic accent. I want to help her out however I can, and in my research discovered an unusual medical condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people suddenly begin speaking with a foreign accent after severe head trauma. So I clonked Miranda on the side of the head. The problem is that when she came out of her coma she began speaking with a thick German accent. This, sadly, is actually causing her even more difficulty in getting cast. What should I do? Perhaps I didn’t hit her hard enough? Or I hit her in the wrong spot? What can I do to get her career on track?"

Well, Yolanda, this is indeed a rare medical condition. I hadn’t heard of it until you brought it to my attention. Not a lot of research has been done, so I suggest hitting your daughter in different spots until you discover the location that produces the Hispanic accent. Be sure to keep detailed notes so others can reproduce the effect. Thank you for bringing this condition to my attention. I am fascinated by it, and will soon be conducting a series of experiments of my own. I spent the weekend gathering a large number of cats, and am excited to learn if I can cause them to bark like dogs.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Winsome Family History: August 26, 1985

Kiddies, it's time to look back at another important moment in Winsome Family history. It was thirty years ago that I drew up my first plans for a time-travel machine, as several associates were looking for ways of escaping those awful Reagan years. Although it would be nearly three decades before I perfected the machine, the efforts then helped get our minds off of the times. Coincidentally, this morning Buddy, the Time-Traveling Cat suddenly returned. At least, I think it's Buddy. Though all of my test subjects are properly labeled when they're in storage, when they're out, it's difficult to tell them apart. From now on I will brand them.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Growing Family

Kiddies, late last week I received a letter from Denise Danley of Claysville, Pennsylvania. Denise writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what are the best ways to stunt a child's growth? My husband and I keep experiencing the miracle of birth, and we just don't have a lot of space anymore. We think we might be able to fit a couple more cribs in the children's room, but certainly not any full-sized beds."

Well, Denise, a couple of years ago I conducted an experiment on kittens with the aim of preventing them from becoming cats. Before abandoning that experiment, I had some success by depriving them of natural sunlight. So I suggest painting the children's room black and bricking up any windows to that room. Be sure to limit their food intake, and prevent unnecessary movement and exercise. You might also try sleep deprivation and keeping them in tight clothing to discourage any growth.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Cindy's Community Service (Week 15)

This week to help out the elderly, I looked after Mr. Matthews for several hours. Just as I was arriving at the Birch Street Nursing Home, he took a bad spill, and as a result needed some assistance getting to the bathroom. He said he felt weak and didn't want to be left alone, nervous he might slip off the toilet and further injure himself. This was a time when I really could have used Allie's help, but she has stayed away the entire summer. I should be finished with my community service now anyway, since school starts up again next week.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Make sure your architect draws up an official set of blueprints that do not include the secret passageways or the second level of your basement.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Jane's Social Work

I took some of the girls from the women's center out to one of my favorite bars over the weekend. We had such a good time, and apparently two of them continued the festivities right through today, missing their afternoon meeting. The center called me to ask if I'd seen them, and I assured them they must have gone home with the young men who had been chatting them up. It feels good to have such a positive effect on these troubled women.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Cindy's Community Service (Week 14)

This week to help out the elderly, I assisted Mr. Matthews in exercising his stiff muscles. He had been complaining to the nurses of aches and pains, so they sent me to his room to see what I could do. After a couple of hours, he told me he was feeling much better.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

This week I stocked up on other little sweets in addition to ice cream. Just because a child suffers from lactose intolerance doesn't necessarily mean he isn't deserving of a nice treat. So now I have a variety of other frozen delights and candies. Be sure to tell your friends.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Cindy's Community Service (Week 13)

This week to help out the elderly, I led Mr. Pearlman outside for some fresh air. Sniffles, his seeing eye dog, died several months ago, and he hadn’t been able to leave his room since then. The harness was less comfortable this time, because I have grown a bit in the past two years.

Susan Kitchen

Kiddies, this week we lost a dear friend. Susan Kitchen has played such a vital role in Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, answering letters and delivering important tips with wit and charm. It has been a delight collaborating with her. We here are Winsome Headquarters are truly going to miss her spirit.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Cindy's Community Service (Week 12)

This week to help out the elderly, I changed the bed pans of the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home while the nurses finished their game of gin rummy.