Winsome Family Resolutions (Grandmother Winsome)

The night is finally upon us, Kiddies!  Enjoy your New Year's Eve celebrations.  And don't forget those resolutions.  Here is mine.

To not let the evidence pile up.

Winsome Family Resolutions (Jane)

Today I offer Jane's New Year's resolution.

To be less upset when unattractive men compliment me.

Winsome Family Resolutions (Milton)

Today I offer Milton's New Year's resolution:

To come up with a new game you can play with cats.

Winsome Family Resolutions (Edward)

Today I offer Edward's New Year's resolution.

 To run my errands earlier in the day, so I'll be free by 2 p.m. to follow the school bus on its route.

Winsome Family Resolutions (Cindy)

I'm thrilled that so many people enjoyed our Christmas tips.  In fact, my blog reached a record number of views this month.  To lead us into the new year, some of the Winsome Family members will be contributing their New Year's resolutions.  The first comes from Cindy.

To do one thing each week to cheer up the elderly.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #25)

Happy Christmas, Kiddies. Here is today's special holiday tip:

The day after Christmas is a good day to throw away any evidence you might have been storing. Since everyone is tossing out great amounts of stuff on that day, your numerous large trash bags won't draw any unwanted attention.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #24)

Remember on Christmas to take a moment to think of those less fortunate than you. That's a good way to provide a much needed chuckle during this sometimes stressful holiday.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #23)

This Christmas, don't forget your maid. I've already purchased my maid's gift - red and green rubber gloves. Other ideas that will work equally well include red and green paper towels, red and green sponges, and red and green dish rags. Receiving such a thoughtful, personal gift will make her more happy about working through the holiday.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #22)

If you're planning on dressing as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, hire midgets to play your minions. They will surely delight your children. Toss them down the chimney first to help cushion your fall.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #21)

Coal is still a good gift for naughty children. But children who are extra naughty deserve something more, like a cute outfit or a new bicycle.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #20)

Keep your grandmother warm this holiday with a new mink.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #19)

Remember, lots of people get sick at this time of year, so illness is a believable excuse if you wish to avoid seeing certain relatives. Telling them you don't feel up for a visit isn't really a lie, is it?

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #18)

If your office decides to do a Secret Santa, this provides an opportunity to get rid of some evidence, and to get a second set of prints on it.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #17)

If you find yourself in a light-hearted competition with your neighbors over who can more festively decorate their homes to show their holiday spirit, dress a homeless person as Santa Claus and have him stand in your yard saying "Ho ho ho" to any passersby. An alternative is to dress him as a snowman. You can cover him with snow, but remind him he's not to eat the carrot you use as a nose.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #16)

If your child has gone missing or is recently deceased and you haven't reported it, simply have your maid sign the child's name on your Christmas cards. Her squiggly handwriting and poor grasp on spelling will easily duplicate a young child's attempt at a signature.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #15)

If you dress as Santa Claus, children will sit on your lap and tell you all their desires. When they're done, feel free to tell them a few of your own.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #14)

Don't get a terminally ill person a long book as a Christmas gift.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #13)

Use the socks of loved ones who have died in the past year as Christmas stockings.  This will keep them present for one final holiday.  Don't bother using baby's socks, however, as not much will fit in them.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #12)

Young children love looking at Christmas lights, so be sure to hang some around your bedroom window.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #11)

Staying after school to help decorate the classroom for the holiday has its rewards. I got to be the first one under the mistletoe with my teacher.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #10)

Remember to buy your grandmother something expensive this year.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #9)

Ladies, don’t wait until the week before Christmas to meet someone. Because then he is under no obligation to buy you a gift. It’s best to find that special someone by the 15th. That gives you enough time for three dates before the holiday, and at that point he’ll certainly want to buy you something nice. Also, in this early getting-to-know-you stage, you can concentrate on your most desired gift. He won’t know all of your interests yet, so be sure to focus those early conversations on the beauty of a full-length ranch mink.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #8)

To save money on decorations this year, put your Christmas tree in a corner.  That way, you only have to decorate approximately half of it. 

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #7)

Help out the environment by purchasing a fake Christmas tree this year. If you want to make it seem more authentic, find some bird's eggs and a nest to put on a couple of the branches.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #6)

Remember, lines at the post office get quite long this time of year. So when you send the maid to mail your packages, have her take some knitting along to keep her busy. That way, you're still getting your money's worth from her.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #5)

Make sure you have last year's blood and urine stains professionally cleaned out of your Santa suit before donning it this season.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #4)

Christmas is a time for family, and so in the spirit of the holiday, several members of the Winsome Family will be offering tips on how to make the most of this festive time. Here is one from Edward.

If you get a job as a department store Santa, sometimes a young child will wet himself on you. You don't even have to pay him. It's just one of the benefits of employment.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #3)

To help your maid celebrate her heritage and culture, put some candy in her pockets, and let the children hit her with a stick. She'll appreciate the effort to make her feel at home without the trouble of having to go to Mexico and then sneak back over the border again.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #2)

Have your maid volunteer at a food bank, and tell her to be sure to grab a few cans of the choicest foods to bring home.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #1)

Sending Christmas cards to your relatives will help keep them at bay for another year, while simultaneously making them think kindly of you. This is important especially if they're elderly and drawing up their wills.

Questions About Australia

I'm so pleased that folks around the world are now viewing my blog. I've received messages from people as far away as India and England. But I've noticed very few people from Australia have tuned in. Curious as to why, I had Cindy do some research.

We found part of the reason is their general lack of communication skills.  And, of course, many prisons don't offer internet access, so that knocks off a large portion of the Australian population right there.  But what about the rest of the population, those that are out on parole?

If any Australians do visit my blog, here are some other unanswered questions that my more intelligent viewers would like answered:

1. Is it true that mental retardation was originally called the Australian Disease?
2. Is Australia's lower rate of child abuse due to the repulsive quality of the children, or to the fact that the adult male population is mostly behind bars?
3. Do most Australians have good relationships with their parole officers?
4. Since there are 100 million sheep in Australia and only 20 million people, what are animals rights groups doing about the other 80 million lonely sheep?
5. Australia's coastline has more than 10,000 beaches. Some of them are nude beaches. Is this part of an effort to keep non-blind tourists away from the area?
6. Australia has the lowest population density in the world, at only two people per square kilometer. Is that because even Australians can't stand to be around other Australians?
7. Since it became illegal to hunt Aboriginal people, and Australians export all their beef, what do they do for dinner?
8. Why haven't Australian criminals learned to hide evidence in kangaroo pouches?

By the way, out of the top twenty-five deadliest snakes in the world, twenty are found in Australia. Efforts are now being made to relocate the other five.

Winsome Family Thanksgiving Message

Hi, Kiddies. I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday. I wanted to share with you a little of the Winsome Family celebration. Like many families, we gather around the table for a big meal, and each person has a chance to say what he or she is thankful for. Here is what a few members of the Winsome Family had to say this year:

Jane is thankful for an unseasonably cool autumn that's provided her with many chances to wear her newest fur coat.

Edward is thankful for thrift store clown suits, and heavy rains washing away evidence.

Milton is thankful for strawberry ice cream.

Cindy is thankful for those nights when she was allowed to stay up well past her bedtime to help on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

And I am thankful for all these wonderful opportunities to reach out and help so many people. Keep those letters coming, Kiddies!

Hello to England and India

Hi, Kiddies! I am so delighted to learn that folks in England and India have been reading my blog. It makes me happy to be able to reach people all over the world. Please consider following the blog so I can know who you are. And feel free to leave comments, or even to ask questions. I'm always tickled pink to be able to offer advice.

And just a reminder: I am also now on Twitter (@GmotherWinsome, thanks to Cindy, who is such a clever girl).

Letter From Ruby Whitaker

 
Sometimes I receive letters from people who are not seeking advice, but who rather want to share their experiences. Such a letter I received today from Mrs. Ruby Whitaker.

Mrs. Whitaker writes, "Our son was afraid of flying. So when our family went on a trip to Hawaii we left him at home. We figured missing out on all the fun would help him get over his silly fear. But when we returned, we found he had died. Apparently five-year-olds aren't capable of taking care of themselves for even a week. I just wanted to let you know so that perhaps our son's death could serve as a warning for other parents in similar circumstances. By the way, Hawaii is beautiful."

Thank you, Ruby, for your letter. I am hoping to get to Hawaii at some point next year.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living: November 2, 2012

 
Have your maid go through the pantry periodically, and donate any expired food to the homeless.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #18)

 
Halloween Tip #18: And remember, there's no real reason why you can't continue scaring the neighborhood children throughout the year. It'll be even more frightening, as it won't be expected.

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips (Tip #17)

Well, the big night is finally here! All the preparations are finished, and the maid has returned to her normal duties. Have a wonderful night, Kiddies!

Halloween Tip #17: Invite the children that catch your attention back for a late-night awards ceremony for Best Costume.  Tell them you're saving the best candy for the three finalists, though everyone who returns will receive something special.