A Halloween Tip From Edward

A warning for those going out on Halloween: Not everyone who is dressed as a school girl is actually a school girl, or even a girl, for that matter.

A Halloween Tip From Jane

Not every man in a scary mask who pulls his car alongside you is celebrating Halloween.

Edward's Trunk-Or-Treat Halloween Tips

A few years ago an associate of mine came up with a novel idea which he called "Trunk-Or-Treat," and surprisingly it has caught on. Now several churches offer their parking lots for the event each year. The concept is simple. Hang a few Halloween decorations on your car, and fill the open trunk with candy to draw in the young children. It couldn't be easier. Parents actually drop off their children, thinking that asking for candy in a church parking lot is safer for them than going door to door. 

Just keep these few tips in mind: 

• Place some of the Halloween decorations so that your license plate number is covered. 
• Put the large-size candies far enough into your trunk that the children have to climb in to get them. 
• Be sure to have your car pointing out toward the street for a quick and easy exit.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, if you've been in the stores lately, you've probably noticed the increase in the price of candy. It's much too expensive to just hand out to random children. But if you still want to be involved in the holiday, go through your garage where you might find some leftover candy from previous holidays. Also, look under those couch cushions. You'd be surprised how many mints and cough drops you'll find there. Other places to check include coat pockets, your carry-on luggage, those old purses you were thinking of tossing, the glove box of your car, and your neighbor's house if you happen to visit. I'm sure with enough hunting, you'll be able to put together a dish of candy without spending a dollar.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Because of the ongoing pandemic, do not let trick-or-treaters reach into your bowl of candy this year. Instead, make them stand several feet away from your porch and throw the candy at them from your door.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

 

 

Kiddies, because of the pandemic, remember to disinfect the headstones before doing your gravestone rubbings this year.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, your coronavirus mask does not constitute a Halloween costume, so don't expect to get any candy if you're not willing to put in more of an effort.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you have any deformed relatives that you normally keep in the attic, let them out on Halloween night to scare the children. That will allow the maid a chance to air out the room.

A Halloween Tip From Cindy

If you have limited time to trick-or-treat, hit the houses with the biggest Halloween displays in their front yards. The bigger the display, the more candy the family will offer to trick-or-treaters.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

Instead of keeping the candy in a bowl by the door, put it in your pants pocket and let the children reach in for a treat.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When exhuming a body, you must provide a substantial reason for doing so. Apparently, "to use the corpse in my Halloween display" is not accepted in certain areas.

A Halloween Tip From Cindy

Share your Halloween candy with the elderly, but don't give taffy to anyone with dentures.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you require a lot of human blood for your Halloween display, keep in mind that aspirin works as a blood thinner, so slip your donor several aspirin before inserting that needle.

A Halloween Tip From Edward

A good costume idea for Halloween is to dress as a giant Scratch 'N' Sniff sticker. The children will have a ball, rubbing you and sticking their noses against your belly.

A Halloween Tip From Jane

If you dress as a sexy nurse for Halloween, men will likely ask you to give them a check-up. But remember, in the case of an actual emergency, you are not required to perform CPR, as one unattractive man learned at last night's party.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When fat kids come to your door for candy, simply turn off your porch light until they go away. This may seem harsh, but you'll be doing them a favor.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

The next time you have blood drawn, tell them to take an extra pint. Then carry it with you at night to use as an offering in case you are attacked by vampires.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When scaring children on Halloween, keep in mind that real snakes and spiders are more frightening than rubber ones.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

One delightful way to frighten children on Halloween is to have your maid climb up on the roof and drop rubber snakes onto them whenever they knock on your door. Even better is to have your maid collect real snakes to toss at the children.

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you plan on using black cats for your Halloween display, there is no need to be picky at the animal shelter. Take whichever cats they have in stock. You can always spray-paint them the appropriate color later. And if you offer to take the ones they're about to put down, you should be able to convince them to waive any fees.