Monday, December 31, 2012

Winsome Family Resolutions (Grandmother Winsome)

The night is finally upon us, Kiddies!  Enjoy your New Year's Eve celebrations.  And don't forget those resolutions.  Here is mine.

To not let the evidence pile up.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Winsome Family Resolutions (Jane)

Today I offer Jane's New Year's resolution.

To be less upset when unattractive men compliment me.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Winsome Family Resolutions (Milton)

Today I offer Milton's New Year's resolution:

To come up with a new game you can play with cats.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Winsome Family Resolutions (Edward)

Today I offer Edward's New Year's resolution.

 To run my errands earlier in the day, so I'll be free by 2 p.m. to follow the school bus on its route.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Winsome Family Resolutions (Cindy)

I'm thrilled that so many people enjoyed our Christmas tips.  In fact, my blog reached a record number of views this month.  To lead us into the new year, some of the Winsome Family members will be contributing their New Year's resolutions.  The first comes from Cindy.

To do one thing each week to cheer up the elderly.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #25)

Happy Christmas, Kiddies. Here is today's special holiday tip:

The day after Christmas is a good day to throw away any evidence you might have been storing. Since everyone is tossing out great amounts of stuff on that day, your numerous large trash bags won't draw any unwanted attention.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #24)

Remember on Christmas to take a moment to think of those less fortunate than you. That's a good way to provide a much needed chuckle during this sometimes stressful holiday.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #23)

This Christmas, don't forget your maid. I've already purchased my maid's gift - red and green rubber gloves. Other ideas that will work equally well include red and green paper towels, red and green sponges, and red and green dish rags. Receiving such a thoughtful, personal gift will make her more happy about working through the holiday.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #22)

If you're planning on dressing as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, hire midgets to play your minions. They will surely delight your children. Toss them down the chimney first to help cushion your fall.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #21)

Coal is still a good gift for naughty children. But children who are extra naughty deserve something more, like a cute outfit or a new bicycle.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #20)

Keep your grandmother warm this holiday with a new mink.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #19)

Remember, lots of people get sick at this time of year, so illness is a believable excuse if you wish to avoid seeing certain relatives. Telling them you don't feel up for a visit isn't really a lie, is it?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #18)

If your office decides to do a Secret Santa, this provides an opportunity to get rid of some evidence, and to get a second set of prints on it.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #17)

If you find yourself in a light-hearted competition with your neighbors over who can more festively decorate their homes to show their holiday spirit, dress a homeless person as Santa Claus and have him stand in your yard saying "Ho ho ho" to any passersby. An alternative is to dress him as a snowman. You can cover him with snow, but remind him he's not to eat the carrot you use as a nose.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #16)

If your child has gone missing or is recently deceased and you haven't reported it, simply have your maid sign the child's name on your Christmas cards. Her squiggly handwriting and poor grasp on spelling will easily duplicate a young child's attempt at a signature.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #15)

If you dress as Santa Claus, children will sit on your lap and tell you all their desires. When they're done, feel free to tell them a few of your own.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #14)

Don't get a terminally ill person a long book as a Christmas gift.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #13)

Use the socks of loved ones who have died in the past year as Christmas stockings.  This will keep them present for one final holiday.  Don't bother using baby's socks, however, as not much will fit in them.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #12)

Young children love looking at Christmas lights, so be sure to hang some around your bedroom window.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #11)

Staying after school to help decorate the classroom for the holiday has its rewards. I got to be the first one under the mistletoe with my teacher.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #10)

Remember to buy your grandmother something expensive this year.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #9)

Ladies, don’t wait until the week before Christmas to meet someone. Because then he is under no obligation to buy you a gift. It’s best to find that special someone by the 15th. That gives you enough time for three dates before the holiday, and at that point he’ll certainly want to buy you something nice. Also, in this early getting-to-know-you stage, you can concentrate on your most desired gift. He won’t know all of your interests yet, so be sure to focus those early conversations on the beauty of a full-length ranch mink.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #8)

To save money on decorations this year, put your Christmas tree in a corner.  That way, you only have to decorate approximately half of it. 

Friday, December 7, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #7)

Help out the environment by purchasing a fake Christmas tree this year. If you want to make it seem more authentic, find some bird's eggs and a nest to put on a couple of the branches.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #6)

Remember, lines at the post office get quite long this time of year. So when you send the maid to mail your packages, have her take some knitting along to keep her busy. That way, you're still getting your money's worth from her.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #5)

Make sure you have last year's blood and urine stains professionally cleaned out of your Santa suit before donning it this season.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #4)

Christmas is a time for family, and so in the spirit of the holiday, several members of the Winsome Family will be offering tips on how to make the most of this festive time. Here is one from Edward.

If you get a job as a department store Santa, sometimes a young child will wet himself on you. You don't even have to pay him. It's just one of the benefits of employment.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #3)

To help your maid celebrate her heritage and culture, put some candy in her pockets, and let the children hit her with a stick. She'll appreciate the effort to make her feel at home without the trouble of having to go to Mexico and then sneak back over the border again.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #2)

Have your maid volunteer at a food bank, and tell her to be sure to grab a few cans of the choicest foods to bring home.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Winsome Family Christmas Tips (Tip #1)

Sending Christmas cards to your relatives will help keep them at bay for another year, while simultaneously making them think kindly of you. This is important especially if they're elderly and drawing up their wills.