A Tip For Runners

Kiddies, if you are running a marathon, motivate yourself to finish quicker by repeatedly telling yourself there might be a new post to read on the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, help spread the word while also making a splash in the world of interior design. Instead of using wallpaper, print out Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts and glue them to your walls.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're having a bad hair day, as soon as you get in your date's car, ask him if he saw the tornado that just went through.

Winsome Family History: August 28, 1973

It was forty-five years ago today that a routine trip to the dump to get rid of evidence resulted in the discovery of a box of government documents that should have been shredded. We made good use of the information contained in them for the next decade. 

Grandmother Winsome Does Her Part

Kiddies, I am doing my part for charity and education. I just donated the unused portions of cats to the local grammar school for use in science classes.

Fanny Mail: A Warning From South Dakota

Kiddies, I just received an email from Rick Wayne Olson of Kadoka, South Dakota. Rick writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I want to share with you something horrible that happened recently. My wife had a meeting with one of her women’s groups and took the car, so I was left to tend to our baby. She was gone longer than expected, and I needed to get to my lucky store in order to play my lottery numbers before the drawing. I spent a good fifteen minutes trying to rig our extra car seat to stay on the back of my motorcycle, but it just wouldn't work. So I put the baby in a plastic bag and tied the bag to the seat. Unfortunately, along the way the bag touched the tailpipe and melted. My baby slipped out somewhere west of Cactus Flat on Interstate 90. Just wanted to warn your fans to protect their babies. If you have to take a baby on a motorcycle ride, keep it in a leather knapsack."

Sweetie, I am sure my fans will appreciate this important warning. And perhaps one day soon we will be able to purchase lottery tickets online, an option we have already when buying almost anything else.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I checked in on Hazel, and was happy to note that her sores had healed somewhat. I poured the rest of the bleach and the head nurse's saline solution on her back, then performed my normal duties. At the end of the day, I checked in on her again, and saw even more improvement. Another successful experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home!

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your baby keeps getting out of its crib, replace its blanket with a heavy lead blanket of the type used during X-rays. That extra weight should keep the little tyke in place.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a trucker, get on your CB radio and read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts. If people are chatting on the channel, cut in with "Breaker, breaker!"

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you are a soldier, wait until there is a pause in the incoming shellfire.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a physician, and you deem your patient to be in good health, tell him or her, "You're as healthy as Grandmother Winsome."

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, I have decided to release some more information gathered from the 2017 Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. Of the 221 respondents:

• 145 reported knowing their neighbors' work schedules
• 92 belong to a gym
• 44 have used at least one of my discarded aliases
• 16 reported seeing a ghost
• 2 have tampered with Halloween candy

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If you're the lead negotiator in a tense hostage situation, offer to read the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post in exchange for a hostage.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I began experimenting on Hazel. Since meeting her five years ago, I had never seen her out of her chair, and had never heard her speak a word. I decided to help her up, thinking a nice walk would do her some good. However, when I did, I noticed horrible, wet sores all over her back. This is when I knew she should be my next test subject. I had her lie on her stomach on the bed while I collected all the different chemicals I could find from the bathrooms and basement. After my success with bringing back Mrs. Patterson's memory, I was confident I would find the right combination of chemicals to heal Hazel's sores. I am no longer worried about her voice, for when I poured the first chemical on her, she said, "Ow." The last combination I tried was household bleach mixed with some saline solution the head nurse keeps for her contact lenses. I told Hazel to remain on her stomach so the chemicals won't spill off her, and promised I would check in on her next week while doing my chores.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a yoga instructor, remind your students at the beginning of each class that yoga is recommended by Grandmother Winsome to help condition the body to get into those tight hiding spaces.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If a couple you're friendly with gets engaged, pick a fight with one or both of them, so you won't have to attend the wedding.

Fanny Mail: A Cat Owner's Question

Kiddies, I don't often get messages from people who keep cats as pets rather than as test subjects. But today I received this email from Mary Sue Myers of Traphill, North Carolina. Mary Sue writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the two most important people in my life are my boyfriend Roger and Mr. Piddles, my cat. The problem is that Roger believes he is deathly allergic to cats, and won't have anything to do with Mr. Piddles. I heard that if a poison is slowly introduced into someone's system, he or she can build up a tolerance. So I've been secretly feeding my boyfriend some of Mr. Piddles' fur, putting it in the food that I cook for him. I think by now his allergy must be under control, but Roger still won't pet Mr. Piddles. What can I do to convince him that he's no longer allergic to cats?"

Well, Mary Sue, you probably don't want to reveal to him what you've been doing. There is a good chance that could upset him. And as far as convincing him that he's no longer allergic to cats, you shouldn't press the issue. Let him discover his lack of allergy on his own. Meanwhile, you might impress your boyfriend by taking extra steps to ensure he won't have to touch your cat. Follow my instructional video titled "Cat Storage" and Roger will likely stick around much longer, Sweetie.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're a police officer working on a high-profile kidnapping case, wait until you've finished tracing the call.

Fanny Mail: A Word From Traphill

Kiddies, I just received a really sweet email from Judy Anderson of Traphill, North Carolina. Judy writes: "Grandmother, whenever anyone comes up to me with a personal problem, I say: 'Don't even tell me. Just contact Grandmother Winsome. She will help.'"

Judy, thank you so much for your delightful message. I look forward to helping the good people of Traphill.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a priest officiating a wedding, after asking the guests if they know of any reason why the couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, say, "While you're thinking about it, I will treat you to a couple of my favorite Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Grandmother is pleased that I've started my own laboratory in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home, and last night she gave me some tools she said I would need for my experiments. Today I brought those supplies with me and took them down to the basement before starting my chores. My laboratory looks more professional now that I have a scalpel, scissors, rope, and rubber gloves spread out on the table, items Grandmother referred to as "laboratory basics."

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When playing charades, always have your first guess be "Grandmother Winsome."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

One way to get a man interested is to offer to buy him a drink at a bar. Even in this day and age, most women don't do this, so you may catch him by surprise. He'll likely end up spending the rest of the night buying you drinks as he tries to discover your hidden depths. In fact, there's a chance he won't even let you buy that first drink and will insist that the drinks are on him.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Volunteering at your local flower shop will help you get the scoop on who in town is suffering from an illness, because the flowers or balloons they're receiving will have "Get well" notes attached. These are people that are worth getting to know, because, if their illnesses are serious enough, they are probably finalizing their wills, and you might have time to get your name in there.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Marriage

Today I received an email from Howard. Howard writes, "How soon after my wife goes missing can I legally remarry?"

Well, Howard, the authorities will have to determine that your wife is presumed dead. If they're dragging their feet, leave some evidence that will lead them to that conclusion. And good luck in your new marriage!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When accepting a job, always stipulate that you will be paid in cash. And under no circumstances should you take as payment wooden nickels, "I Owe You" notes or cryptocurrency.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the last of my four days in a row working at the Birch Street Nursing Home. The nurses come back from their vacation tomorrow. It was an exciting day for me. Though Mrs. Patterson did complain about an upset stomach, she did not shout about Mrs. Shimshack stealing from her. So my concoction worked! I decided to make another batch to leave in the basement laboratory in case other patients become forgetful.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I set up a laboratory in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home. While I was thinking about what my first great experiment could be, Mrs. Patterson began yelling about Mrs. Shimshack again. And that's how I got the idea to experiment on Mrs. Patterson. In school we had learned that elephants have excellent memories. I got on the computer at the front desk to research what foods elephants eat. Fortunately, they are all items I could find right there at the Birch Street Nursing Home, either in the kitchen or on the grounds outside – fruit, grass, small plants, tree bark and twigs. I broke the twigs and tree bark into small pieces, and combined all the ingredients in a bowl, but when I was done the concoction didn't look very appetizing. So I mixed it all in some oatmeal before serving it to Mrs. Patterson. It won't be long now before she remembers that Mrs. Shimshack is dead.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I decided to clean the basement so I can turn it into a laboratory. In order to also get my chores done, I enlisted the help of some of the more mobile patients. I attached sponges and rags to the bottom of their walkers, and I got Mrs. Diaz to make tacos for everyone for lunch.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I began the first of four days in a row at the Birch Street Nursing Home, while the nurses are on vacation. The head nurse left four lists of chores for me, one for each day. Today's list had a special task for me to complete. The nursing home's Certificate of Compliance had expired, so I printed up a new one on the computer and replaced the out-of-date one on the wall behind the front desk.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to constantly check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates, if you're a baseball player, wait until you've rounded all the bases.