Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Spread The Word

If you make your living as a fortune-teller, be sure to tell your clients that good things happen to those who read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Slip sedatives into the drinks of the passengers next to you at the beginning of a long flight so they won't attempt conversation or try climbing over you to get to the bathroom.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

When boarding a plane, always greet your flight attendant with a smile and a kind word, for there could be an emergency situation later where she can help only one passenger.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Spread The Word

When planting evidence in an unsuspecting neighbor's house, be sure to also bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog page on his computer.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

A Message To Train Conductors

Hi, Kiddies! While I completely understand your being anxious to check for Grandmother's Fanny Game updates, be sure to bring the train to a complete stop before reading the blog.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 30)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I promised Mrs. Chang I'd help clear trash from her grave.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When appearing as a material witness in a trial, be sure to say that you started the day in question by reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. That will prove to the jury that you're a reliable witness, and will give extra weight to any further statements you make.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

A Reminder From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, if you have a "Baby On Board" sign in your car window, there must be a baby in your car at all times.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Grandmother Winsome’s Tips For Better Living

Declawed cats are more likely to bite, being deprived of their main means of defense. So be sure to have their teeth removed at the same time.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Edward's "For Your Information"

Rape whistles are actually used to stop a rape, not to start one.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Fanny Mail: An Important Parenting Question

Late last week I received a letter from Jeannine and Roy Patterson of La Crosse, Wisconsin. They write: "Our child went missing a week ago. Will the adoption agency automatically send a replacement? Or do we have to go round and pick one up? Our schedules are rather hectic these days, so it would be much more convenient for us if they make deliveries. We're just not sure of the correct procedure."

Well, Jeannine and Roy, it is likely that different agencies have different procedures regarding replacements. As you both seem to be very busy, you might consider having your maid make the phone call to your agency. She can relay the information to you later when you have a few free moments, and then you can decide how to proceed from there. Even if they do make deliveries, I caution you that it might be a better idea to go in yourself if even one of you can manage the time, as the agency, left to its own devices, might send you their least appealing child. And then you'll end up spending the time anyway making an exchange. If, however, it is impossible for you to find the time to go in, and they do not make deliveries, be sure to print out a copy of my important adoption tips to give to your maid when she makes the pick-up.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 29)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I made paper-mache dentures as temporary replacements for Mrs. Beaumont until the Birch Street Nursing Home thief is caught and her proper ones returned.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Leaving your sunglasses on during a social gathering will keep people from realizing you're glancing around while they're talking to you.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

An Email From One Of My Loyal Readers

Hi, Kiddies! I just received an email from Jerry of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Jerry writes: "Do funeral homes offer early bird specials? Grandpa was always an early riser. Well, except for today."  

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 28)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I made Get Well Soon cards for all the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Monday, July 8, 2013

When Help Arrives

If you find yourself trapped in a collapsed building, be sure to ask the first responders if there have been any updates on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

A Message Of Hope From Grandmother Winsome

Even the best criminals are sometimes caught. But do not despair, because with good behavior you're allowed up to two hours of internet access a day in prison, which is enough time to catch up on all things Winsome.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 27)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I went to the Birch Street Nursing Home to help them celebrate the Fourth of July.  Those on one side of the building were able to see the neighboring town's fireworks display through their windows, but had trouble hearing it, so I stood behind them and shouted "BANG" whenever the fireworks went off.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, cries from your basement are less likely to be heard while fireworks are going off.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

An Independence Day Tip From Edward

Fireworks are dangerous. So be sure to have the least attractive neighborhood child light them while you and the other children enjoy them from a safe distance on your blanket.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Cindy's Quarterly Report

Last December some of the Winsome Family members contributed their New Year's resolutions to my blog. As you know, Cindy's was to do one thing each week to cheer up the elderly. What a sweet girl. She has been so good about posting her weekly updates on my blog. In April I shared her progress in the first Quarterly Report, and now it is time for Cindy’s second Quarterly Report. 

Week 14: Cindy caught some insects and a lizard and let them loose in the Birch Street Nursing Home for those patients who can't go outside to see wildlife any more.

Week 15: She took a pillow from home to Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home, because her family had forgotten to pack one with her belongings.

Week 16: Cindy rubbed vapor salve on Mr. Matthews' chest when he came down with a sudden cough.

Week 17: She gave Mr. Matthews a haircut before his court hearing. 

Week 18: She added sugar to all of the cereal in the Birch Street Nursing Home pantry.

Week 19: She reminded the elderly that they have absolutely no obligations.

Week 20: Cindy visited Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home on Mother’s Day. Her family couldn’t make it, because they were busy going white water rafting.

Week 21: She told Mrs. Geffner that blue is a pretty color for hair.

Week 22: She painted all nine of Mrs. Shimshack's toenails a bright pink.

Week 23: Cindy told Mrs. Beaumont she might be reincarnated as a giraffe.

Week 24: She took the leftover sweets from her last-day-of-school picnic to the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home because some of them told her they're not provided with enough dessert there.

Week 25: Cindy called Mrs. Chang on the phone, pretending to be her daughter, and wished her a happy birthday.

Week 26: She went to the Birch Street Nursing Home and covered the bathroom floor with sand and put seaweed in the tub to make them feel like they're at the beach.