Saturday, December 31, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Last night I found an extra bottle of tequila in Jane's room, and today I took it to the Birch Street Nursing Home to help the patients celebrate the coming New Year. It didn't take long before everyone was feeling festive. At Mrs. Henley's urging, Mr. Tanaka put a lamp shade on his head and did a little dance. But he soon stumbled into the poker table and fell onto the floor. He was a little embarrassed, but not hurt, and the good times continued all the way to 3 p.m., when the patients tuckered out and went to bed early. As I was heading out the door, I left a note for the head nurse, letting her know I would pick up a new lamp shade.

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living


If you're going to embellish your resume, be sure not to include anything that is easily disproved. Rather than risk including falsehoods, be deliberately vague about your employment history, education, certifications, awards, skills, hobbies, volunteer experience, references and address.

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

Fanny Mail: Wronged By The Help


Today I received an email from Dave Reynolds of San Francisco, California. Dave writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I recently moved into a much nicer apartment building, one that has a doorman. Wanting to establish a good relationship with the doorman so that he would be more willing to look the other way when certain guests and packages arrive, I decided to give him a fifty-dollar tip for Christmas. Well, the day after the holiday he quit, taking my money though he must have known then that it was his last day. He has an unusual name, which made it easy for me to track him down online. I'm confident I have his correct address. In the spirit of the holiday, I feel that he should still get something, but not fifty dollars. How much should I demand back from this unscrupulous doorman?"

Sweetie, I understand your frustration. But you probably want to let this one go. Even though you've been at the building for only a short time, it's possible he might have some incriminating evidence on you. Doormen have keen eyes, and though they may look the other way when residents receive suspicious packages or questionable guests, it is likely they are taking note. You don't want to risk raising his ire over fifty dollars. In the future, tip the doorman only twenty-five dollars at Christmas, and, if he's still around, another twenty-five in July.

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living


During these frigid winter days, there is little that homeless people wouldn't do for you in exchange for a warm bowl of broth and a couple of crackers. So keep a few shovels handy by your door.

Monday, December 26, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy did not buy you a fabulous Christmas gift doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you. He is likely saving up to show you a fantastic time on New Year's Eve.

Sunday, December 25, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Christmas Edition


The head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home let the Sunday nurse have the holiday off, so I spent the day with the patients, playing poker and eating the cookies that were left over from yesterday. At one point, the patients began saying what they would have bought each other as gifts if they had any money and were able to leave the nursing home grounds. Mrs. Henley was happy to learn that she would have received four chocolate cakes and a cherry pie. In the late afternoon, I had the patients take down the Christmas decorations so that the head nurse will not be upset when she gets in tomorrow.

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

 


Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I supervised the hanging of the Christmas decorations. The poker club loved the new wreath made out of playing cards, and several of the patients commented that the ceramic dog statue looked just like Mr. Pearlman's seeing eye dog. Mrs. Henley wasn't feeling up to helping at first, saying she was a bit dizzy. But once I reminded her that there would be hot cocoa and Christmas cookies ready when the decorations were finished, she hustled up that step ladder to hang the star I'd made from construction paper. When we were done, everyone agreed the place had never looked so festive.

Friday, December 23, 2022

A Public Service Announcement From Grandmother Winsome


A fire chief in Ohio has asked me to make an important announcement, Kiddies. Baby boxes are often not heated, and any babies dropped off during this cold spell should be covered in a blanket or towel.

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Winsome Family Christmas Tips


In the excitement of making holiday preparations, don't forget to have all your prescriptions filled.

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

Winsome Family Christmas Tips


If you are dropping an unwanted baby in one of those baby boxes this week, why not add the festive touch of wrapping the baby in tinsel and taping a bow to its head. It will certainly help cheer up those who have to work at the fire station through the holidays.

Monday, December 19, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy doesn't give any spare change to those Santas ringing bells outside of department stores doesn't mean he's cheap. He is likely saving every penny to spend on a fabulous Christmas gift for you.

Sunday, December 18, 2022

Winsome Family Christmas Tips


When applying for a position as Santa Claus, be sure to read the job description carefully. Apparently, there are some places hiring Santas to work remotely. How frustrating it would be to land that coveted position only to discover that the cute children will be seated on your virtual lap rather than on your actual lap.

Saturday, December 17, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


This week I bought some new Christmas decorations for the Birch Street Nursing Home to add to the two boxes that are there already. One thing I am very excited about is a holiday wreath made out of playing cards, which I am sure the poker club will love. I also found a ceramic statue of a dog wearing a Santa hat, and the dog looks a lot like Sniffles The Eighth. The decorations will have to wait in my basement laboratory until next Saturday. The head nurse made it clear in the past she doesn't like decorations going up too soon because it confuses the patients. But I know they will have a good time helping me decorate the activity room next Saturday morning. I plan on taking some hot cocoa for them to enjoy once the decorations are up.

Monday, December 12, 2022

Winsome Family Christmas Tips


Kiddies, be mindful when wrapping Christmas presents, because the transparent tape can easily capture your fingerprints. My suggestion is to use a gift bag.

Saturday, December 10, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and told me that after a little investigating she had discovered who the loud snorer was who had been keeping Mr. Pearlman up at night. It was his seeing eye dog, Sniffles The Eighth. So the past couple of nights, Mrs. Lieberman took the dog down to the activity room when Mr. Pearlman fell asleep. And there has been no more bickering.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy doesn't have a license plate on his car doesn't mean he's not a good driver. So go ahead and get in that car and enjoy yourself.

Saturday, December 3, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, there was a lot of bickering. Mr. Pearlman was accusing each of the other patients of snoring so loudly that he was woken several times in the night. The others were complaining that every time he got up, banging his cane around and shouting, he woke them up. Except of course for the deaf Mrs. Macmillan, who was the only one who got a good night's sleep. Mr. Pearlman told me he wasn't certain who it was, and that he had lost his white cane at one point and had fallen several times while looking for it. I went upstairs and found his cane outside of Mrs. Henley's room. Mr. Pearlman quieted down when I gave it to him.

Thursday, December 1, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy always pays in cash doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to avoid leaving a digital trail. He's probably just trying to impress you with his wad of bills.

Saturday, November 26, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


The grocery store had a sale on the leftover pumpkin pies from Thanksgiving, so I bought two of them and brought them to the Birch Street Nursing Home. It was a lovely day of poker and pie.

Thursday, November 24, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition


Today I helped the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home celebrate Thanksgiving. I used some of the money I'd made to buy several cans of cranberry sauce, corn, green beans and yams. And for dessert, I bought a pumpkin pie. During the feast, the patients took turns saying what they were thankful for. Most of them were thankful for the poker club and that there were no more leaves to rake in the front yard. Mrs. Henley was thankful for her third slice of pumpkin pie.

Monday, November 21, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy has boarded up the door to his extra bedroom doesn't mean he's trying to conceal something from you. He is probably doing some renovations in there and doesn't want you to get injured from a falling beam or loose nail.

Saturday, November 19, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Matthews was the only patient in the activity room. He told me that his lower back was bothering him because I had made him rake all those leaves last week, and he needed a massage. While I was rubbing his back, I remembered that he wasn't one of the patients who helped rake leaves. I told him to put his shirt back on, and then I went upstairs to see if any of the other patients were ready for some poker.

Wednesday, November 16, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy has candles burning and won't let you charge your phone in his apartment doesn't mean he hasn't paid his electrical bill. He is likely being romantic and wants all your attention on him rather than your phone.

Monday, November 14, 2022

Winsome Family History: November 14, 1965


It was fifty-seven years ago today that Dr. Bob in his lab at Winsome Headquarters created an early version of erasable ink, which came in handy when revising legal contracts after they'd been signed.

Saturday, November 12, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note from the head nurse instructing me to rake all the leaves in the front yard. It wasn't too cold out, so I was able to get some of the patients to pitch in. I found a rake in the tool shed, and the patients took turns so that no one got worn out. Everything was going well until Mrs. Patterson screamed and threw the rake at something she uncovered. I ran over to help, but it was just a dead cat. Raking the leaves took most of the day, but the place looks great now, and we were still able to get in a few hands of poker before the patients went to bed.

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


Just because a guy is under house arrest doesn't mean he can't treat you to a nice dinner. Have him order in. And remind him that there are wine delivery services.

Monday, November 7, 2022

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living


Kiddies, it is all too easy to slip unconscious and drown in the bathtub. So after a night of heavy partying, take a shower instead.

Saturday, November 5, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note for me from the head nurse reminding me to take down the Halloween decorations, and instructing me to remove the taffy from Mrs. Patterson's dentures. While I was cleaning them, Mrs. Patterson stood next to me, telling me she had to keep an eye on her dentures so that Mrs. Shimshack wouldn't get her hands on them.

Monday, October 31, 2022

Halloween At The Birch Street Nursing Home


I decided to use some of the money I won from the poker club at the Birch Street Nursing Home on Saturday to buy some Halloween candy as a surprise for the patients. They certainly were surprised to see me, and wondered if it was already Saturday again. I assured them that it was Monday, and handed them the taffy and gummy worms. It was a good thing I decided to stop by, because the head nurse had given the staff the holiday off, and none of the patients had eaten or gotten their medication. But I couldn't stay too long, because I had to get back to Winsome Headquarters to celebrate Grandmother's birthday.

Sunday, October 30, 2022

A Halloween Tip From Edward


A warning for those going out on Halloween: Not everyone who is dressed as a school girl is actually a school girl, or even a girl, for that matter.

Saturday, October 29, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


What an eventful day at the Birch Street Nursing Home! First I finished my laboratory experiment, and I am happy to report it was a success. My last test subject did not burst into flames. When I went upstairs, the poker club was on a bathroom and medication break, so I used the time to decorate the activity room for Halloween. The bag of skeletons in the basement sure did come in handy. Though at one point I had to wrestle one of the larger bones away from Sniffles The Eighth. When everyone came back from the bathroom, they were excited to see the decorations. And before the end of the afternoon, I won a big hand with four queens. Mrs. Henley said she was glad to have me back at the poker table even though I won all her money. Mrs. Lieberman then asked me if I had another experiment to get to.

Friday, October 28, 2022

A Halloween Tip From Jane


Not every man in a scary mask who pulls his car alongside you is celebrating Halloween.

Thursday, October 27, 2022

Edward's Trunk-Or-Treat Halloween Tips


A few years ago an associate of mine came up with a novel idea which he called "Trunk-Or-Treat," and surprisingly it has caught on. Now several churches offer their parking lots for the event each year. The concept is simple. Hang a few Halloween decorations on your car, and fill the open trunk with candy to draw in the young children. It couldn't be easier. Parents actually drop off their children, thinking that asking for candy in a church parking lot is safer for them than going door to door. 

Just keep these few tips in mind: 

  • Place some of the Halloween decorations so that your license plate number is covered. 
  • Put the large-size candies far enough into your trunk that the children have to climb in to get them. 
  • Be sure to have your car pointing out toward the street for a quick and easy exit.

Wednesday, October 26, 2022

A Halloween Tip From Grandmother Winsome


Kiddies, if you've been in the stores lately, you've probably noticed the increase in the price of candy. It's much too expensive to just hand out to random children. But if you still want to be involved in the holiday, go through your garage where you might find some leftover candy from previous holidays. Also, look under those couch cushions. You'd be surprised how many mints and cough drops you'll find there. Other places to check include coat pockets, your carry-on luggage, those old purses you were thinking of tossing, the glove box of your car, and your neighbor's house if you happen to visit. I'm sure with enough hunting, you'll be able to put together a dish of candy without spending a dollar.

Sunday, October 23, 2022

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice


Kiddies, take the time to properly dispose of your evidence. Covering it with a sheet of cardboard, a couple of sticks and one small concrete block is just not going to cut it.

Saturday, October 22, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


I am running low on test subjects in my laboratory in the Birch Street Nursing Home. Rather than risk harming the last couple, or bothering Grandmother about getting more, I asked Mr. Matthews if he'd be willing to let me rub my new potion on his arm. He willingly came down to the basement with me, but soon ran back upstairs screaming and holding his arm before I could even put out the flames. It looks like I have a little more work to do.

Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Fanny Mail: News From Tanya Platt


Kiddies, today I received another email from longtime fan Tanya Platt of Lawton, Oklahoma. As you'll recall, Tanya has been keeping me updated about her job at her local newspaper, where her first assignment was writing obituaries. Today Tanya writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, though I enjoyed covering quilting bees, demolition derbies and store openings, I felt I was ready for something bigger. Well, I finally got a newspaper assignment that required real investigative journalism. It was covering the increase in statewide bicycle theft. My investigation took me all over the state. And just when I thought I'd learned the identities of four of the men involved, there was some unexpected drama when all four were shot and dismembered. So I ended up writing four more obituaries. I did, however, find the bicycles the men had stolen. I wiped them clean and returned them to their owners."

Good job, Sweetie! I am sure those bicycle owners were happy to get their property back.

Monday, October 17, 2022

In The Pocket


Kiddies, thanks to some timely concussions and other injuries, I had an excellent weekend betting on football. I wonder who will be injured next week.

Saturday, October 15, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Today I spent most of the time in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home, working on my new experiment. When I went upstairs in the early afternoon to get some of the rope that Crystal left behind, Mrs. Henley said she was missing me at the poker table. I promised her that I'd be done with this experiment before Halloween, then rushed back to the basement before the test subject could break any more of my equipment.

Wednesday, October 12, 2022

Fanny Mail: Another Perspective On Baby Boxes


Kiddies, I just received another email regarding those baby drop-off boxes. Pete Dugan of Anson, Maine writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have enjoyed reading the Fanny Mail regarding baby drop-off boxes. Well, I am the fire chief here in town, and I thought you might want to hear my perspective. Years ago, when people left unwanted puppies at the fire station, they became the property of the fire department. These days we're not getting as many Dalmatians as we used to, but because of the recent baby drop-off program, we are getting some unwanted children. The ones old enough to crawl have come in handy when we are trying to get into tight spaces to search for survivors. But even the youngest, most helpless baby is good for morale around here, making us laugh with its funny noises. Whoever thought of this program has our thanks."

Sweetie, it's so good to hear from someone on the receiving end of these babies. I'm glad to know they're being put to good use.

Saturday, October 8, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Today I spent most of the day down in the Birch Street Nursing Home basement. Grandmother suggested that before I jump into the main experiment, which will probably use up all my test subjects, I should do a short pilot project. That way, I can get a little practice filling out the case report forms, and also be certain that I have all the necessary chemicals and that my tools are sharp enough. So that's what I did today.

Monday, October 3, 2022

Fanny Mail: A Message From Indonesia


Kiddies, I am delighted that Grandmother's Fanny Game is popular around the globe. Today I got an email from a fan in Indonesia, Wawan Widodo. Wawan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was just released from the hospital where I was treated for head injuries. Recently I was at a soccer match, and there was a bit of trouble. Suddenly everyone started rushing out of the stadium. What happened was that a rumor began to circulate that a new Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post had gone up, and because the internet service at the stadium was spotty at best, all your fans were eager to get to the town's internet cafe to read your new post. Just wanted to let you know that you are loved here in Indonesia."

Thank you, Wawan! It is always a pleasure to learn just how far word has spread.

Sunday, October 2, 2022

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice


Kiddies, although helpful, flood waters and alligators are not completely reliable for making evidence disappear.

Saturday, October 1, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


This week Grandmother gave me a few fresh test subjects to replace the ones that had turned to bones in the Birch Street Nursing Home basement. Mrs. Lieberman helped me carry the heavy sack down the basement stairs, but I waited until she went back upstairs before I took the test subjects out and began setting up for my new experiment.

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

An Important Message For Floridians


A big storm is heading your way, Kiddies. Before it reaches you, print out all the Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice posts and put them in your life raft. That way, when the power is knocked out and your house is washed away, you can remain calm, knowing that my advice will see you through another sticky situation.

Saturday, September 24, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


This week Grandmother reminded me not to let poker get in the way of my laboratory work. So today I went into the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home for the first time in several months, and found that my bag of test subjects was now just a bag of skeletons.

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women


If you discover that your date is planning on taking you to a restaurant that has a measly two-star rating, call him up and tell him you've been infected with the coronavirus and have to quarantine for two weeks. That should give him enough time to raise the necessary money to take you to a better establishment.

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home was interrupted by a knock on the door. There was a delivery man standing there with a large box. He let me sign for it, though it was addressed to all the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home. There was some excitement at the poker table when I brought the package over. It was Mrs. Lieberman who saw that it was sent from Mr. Shaw, and she opened it with her box cutter. As she began taking items out, Mrs. Henley quickly claimed some of the snacks. Besides the snacks, there were a couple of new puzzles and a fresh deck of cards. Most of the patients didn't remember who Mr. Shaw was, so Mrs. Lieberman explained that he lived with them at the beginning of last year. That still didn't ring a bell, but they enjoyed the snacks and took a break from poker to put together one of the puzzles.

Tuesday, September 13, 2022

Fanny Mail: A Baby Box Surprise


Kiddies, I am delighted to receive so many emails about the baby drop-off boxes. Today's Fanny Mail comes from Darlene Harris of Bucklin, Missouri. Darlene writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I are the proud parents of four boys. When I got pregnant again, I was certain it would be a girl. We even painted a portion of the children's room pink in preparation for her arrival. But when it came time to pop the child out, it was once again a boy. So we decided to leave it in one of those drop boxes we've been reading about on your blog and try again. But as luck would have it, when I opened the box, there was already a little girl inside. So we just swapped our child for that one. Thanks to your blog, our family is now complete."

So glad to be of help, Sweetie! I am delighted to learn that my blog is bringing families together.

Saturday, September 10, 2022

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home


Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I was surprised to find Mrs. Patterson back at her spot at the poker table. Even more surprising was that she didn't mention Mrs. Shimshack a single time. During the first bathroom break, Mrs. Lieberman told me she had had enough of Mrs. Patterson's shenanigans and so had stayed up last night with her to learn just what it was that she was seeing out her window every Friday night. Well, it turns out it was Mr. Matthews. He was standing out in the yard last night, pretending to be the dead Mrs. Shimshack. He disguised his voice and kept threatening that he was coming to take Mrs. Patterson's last remaining possessions. I am glad Mrs. Lieberman put a stop to it, because now we have enough poker players without me having to ask Mr. Matthews to join us. That also means I don't have to help Mr. Matthews put on his pants, or massage his thighs, or bathe him anymore.