Saturday, December 28, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 52)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I cleared trash from Mrs. Chang's grave.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Problem At Home

This morning I received an email from a young woman in Los Angeles who is having trouble communicating with her mother. She writes: “My mother often insults me, but I find it difficult to respond to her, because she takes on the pretend voice of our bird, Cheeky. So when I respond, I have to respond to Cheeky and not my mother. The problem is I’m not at all upset with Cheeky and have no wish to yell at her. I fear that raising my voice might alarm or even harm the poor old bird. Though there have been times when, I’m sad to admit, I’ve thought about killing Cheeky in order to force my mother to talk directly to me. After all, it seems Cheeky says some very hurtful things. And even afterwards, when my mother is calm, if I try to bring it up to her, she still insists it was the bird talking and not her.  She refuses to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation about the argument. Thus nothing is resolved, and I find the argument repeating fairly regularly. It reached a horrible new level on Christmas, with Cheeky using offensive language she’d never used before. The whole thing left me in tears, but did not affect my mother at all, as she maintains this is a problem between me and Cheeky. I’m just not sure I can take it anymore. What should I do?”

Well, Sweetie, I think your instincts might have been correct. Just kill the bird. That will force your mother to use her normal voice when insulting you. Then you can respond to her directly. And to keep her from replacing the bird, tell her that Cheeky escaped and will likely return at some point in the future.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Edward's "For Your Information"

Telling your girlfriend you know exactly how you'll react to the news of her death doesn't always have the comforting effect you'd expect.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is dangerous to return to the scene of the crime, so commit your crimes at places you don't care to revisit.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Winsome Family History: December 21, 2008

Kiddies, it's time to look back at an important moment in Winsome Family history. It was exactly five years ago that the internet saw its first mention of Grandmother's Fanny Game. Some of you saw it back then. And for those who didn't, here is another chance to celebrate a Winsome Family milestone.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 51)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I lent an old woman my extra pair of mittens.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Jane’s Tips For Getting A Good Gift This Christmas

Some people claim that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. Those are people who get exactly what they want from their husbands or boyfriends. Sometimes it’s difficult to accomplish this, but if you follow these few important tips, you’ll have a better chance of having a very merry Christmas.
  1. Always point out to the man you’re dating anything stylish that you would like to own, whether in a store, in a shop window, on television, or on another person. And it’s okay if you’ve already pointed out the item to him, as repetition will help him remember.
  2. If your boyfriend comments favorably on something you dislike, be sure to point out to him how wrong he is, that the item isn’t at all fashionable. (Because he is obviously fishing for gift ideas, you can never be too strong in your statement.)
  3. Make a point of complaining about how your last boyfriend always chose poorly when buying your presents. Because men are competitive, that will drive your current boyfriend to succeed where the previous one failed.
  4. And if you do get something undesirable, remember, you can never tell someone a gift is unappreciated. That’s considered rude. But you can show it with body language. And that should help to ensure that person will make more of an effort in the future.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 50)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I helped a neighbor unload Christmas packages from her car.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Carrying a large purse will help maintain a distance between you and the person behind you in line at the bank.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Tell the parole board that you’ve now found Grandmother Winsome and so the State has no further worries.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Tell the judge handling your case that Grandmother Winsome has made you a better citizen.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you're arrested, waive your right to remain silent only long enough to tell the arresting officers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 49)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I helped push an old woman's shopping cart at the local market. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Edward's "For Your Information"

Remember, not all of your hobbies should be included on your resume.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Night Light Question

Hi, Kiddies! Yesterday I received an email from a parent in Halifax, Nova Scotia, who writes: "Our baby can only get to sleep with a night light on. With all the recent power outages, she has gotten no sleep whatsoever. We tried a flashlight, but it was difficult to get the beam to cover a wide enough area, and the batteries tended to die too quickly anyway. What should we do?"

Sweetie, do as you do whenever there is a power outage. Light a candle. Then place it right next to the outlet, where the baby has come to expect the light to be. Candles are also a source of heat, so you might be able to save a little money by turning down the thermostat in your baby's room even when there's not a power outage, at least during these cold winter months.


Sunday, December 1, 2013

Happy World AIDS Day

Hi, Kiddies! It's been brought to my attention that today is World AIDS Day. So I thought it appropriate to revisit one of the early episodes of my wonderful program, in which I answered a letter from a fan on that very subject. Enjoy!

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When working for a suicide prevention hotline, just remind those prospective suicides that if they kill themselves, they'll miss the next Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update. That should do the trick.