Cindy's New Year's Resolution

Because of the fire and the much-needed fire drills at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I haven't been able to spend enough time on my experiments. So my New Year's resolution for 2020 is to dedicate more time to work in my laboratory.

Grandmother Winsome Looks Back At 2019

Kiddies, 2019 is at an end, and I thought it would be a good idea to look back at the accomplishments of some of your favorite Winsome Family members. This year Cindy set a fire drill record at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Jane managed to remain single for another year. Edward spent a good deal of the year on the road selling ice cream. And I did some traveling myself this year, visiting an old friend in South America and depositing some evidence in the catacombs below his church. Now, looking forward to 2020, I plan to travel to the Orient, both for business and pleasure. And, barring too many more mishaps, I hope to choose the replacement Mexican maid for Winsome Headquarters.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your spouse has died, under no circumstances should you request gifts in lieu of flowers, because that will raise suspicion among the authorities. Even if you hate flowers, just accept them graciously and then move on. In the coming weeks you can use your loved one's insurance money to purchase whatever items you're desiring.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home we held the final fire drill of 2019. I was determined to meet my goal of getting all the patients out within thirty-five minutes. I knew it was going to be tight, so to save some time, before announcing the drill, I cleared the hallway upstairs of obstacles, and also wrote out a card that said "Fire!" to wave in front of Mrs. Macmillan. I am happy to report that every patient, including Hazel, made it safely out of the building in thirty-four minutes and fifty seconds. To celebrate, I whipped up a batch of my special cupcakes for the patients.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

"It must be lost in the mail" is a believable excuse if you forgot to buy someone a Christmas present.

Christmas At Winsome Headquarters

Happy holidays, Kiddies! I hope you are enjoying your day. We are having a good time here Winsome Headquarters, even though the place isn't quite as festive as I'd planned. Last night we lost power when the three Mexican maid applicants electrocuted themselves on the roof and fell to their deaths. We are having trouble getting a maintenance man out during the holiday, so the electricity here is limited to what can be provided by the back-up generator. It looks like the giant pink light display on the roof will have to wait until next year.

Christmas Eve At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, as you remember, early this year the Mexican maid died during an operation to locate an alien surveillance device. Since then, I've been trying out several different options to find the right replacement for the Mexican maid. I've narrowed the search down to three applicants, all of whom are here at Winsome Headquarters today, getting the place prepared for the Winsome Family Christmas celebration. As I type this, all three are on the roof, rigging up a special light display that will dazzle the entire neighborhood and make for a very merry Christmas indeed.

Edward's Christmas

My shack in the woods is looking festive for the holiday. The walls are covered with lovely Christmas photos. I wasn't able to add any to the collection this year because for some reason I wasn't hired back as Santa at the mall. But for Christmas Eve, I've decided to offer my services as Santa to the local orphanage. Sure, there likely won't be a professional photographer there to capture the beautiful moments. And I won't make as much money as I would have at the mall, but this holiday isn't really about making money. It's about the children.

Spread The Word

Rather than Christmas caroling, gather a group together to go door-to-door to perform the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was pleased that last week we were able to set a new Birch Street Nursing Home fire drill record of forty-four minutes. But it bothered me that we were still leaving Hazel inside to burn. So this week I spent some time in school concentrating on that problem. And I came up with a solution. For today's fire drill, I picked Mr. Oliveras and Mr. Matthews to lift Hazel from her chair and carry her out of the building. This ended up increasing the total time again, to forty-nine minutes, but most of the other patients were out in less than forty. I am certain that next week with a few minor adjustments we can meet our goal of thirty-five minutes.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend a festive gathering, make sure at least one toast is "To Grandmother Winsome!"

A Special Holiday Message From Grandmother Winsome

In the spirit of the holidays, why not donate some toys to needy children through your employer's charity drive? Of course, there is nothing wrong with using them first during your special nighttime activities. That scooter, for example, looks like it could knock a nosy security guard unconscious and then be used as a getaway vehicle. The children will be happy to take the evidence off your hands and add their fingerprints to it. And your co-workers will think highly of you for donating to a good cause. Happy holidays, Kiddies!

A Holiday Message From Grandmother Winsome

While it is generally agreed that certain topics should be avoided at holiday gatherings, one topic that is sure to bring a smile to everyone's face is Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I held another fire drill at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I was determined to beat the fifty-two minutes it took to get the patients out last week. To fix two major causes of delay from last time, I put Mrs. Henley in charge of helping retrieve Mrs. Patterson's possessions from their secret spots, and put Mrs. Kunkel in charge of helping to guide Mr. Pearlman out of the building. This strategy worked! The patients made it out in only forty-four minutes, a new Birch Street Nursing Home fire drill record.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If the person you are accused of raping is obese, be wary of using "She is too fat to rape" as your defense, particularly if the judge is also on the chunky side.

A Tip From Edward

If your van is low on gas, bring the children to you by drawing a hopscotch court with chalk on the sidewalk in front of your house.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Before making an expensive purchase, first see if a terminally ill relative already has the item.

A Christmas Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, some people leave their curtains open at night in order to show off their Christmas trees. You can use this opportunity to take a peek at what else they may have inside.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Avoid dates with airplane crash survivors. You'd be surprised to learn how very small the settlements are that they receive from the airlines. Also, many never want to fly again, so exotic trips for two are likely out of the question.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, the first thing I did was give Mrs. Henley the new dress that Grandmother helped me sew. I know she liked it, because she exclaimed, "Oh my, I've never seen such large flowers before!" That was the high point of the day. Later in the morning, we held our second fire drill, and I was sad to find that this one took even longer than the one last week. It was fifty-two minutes before all the patients made it out to the front lawn. This was partly Mrs. Patterson's fault, because she insisted on gathering all of her possessions before leaving her room so that Mrs. Shimshack couldn't steal them. It was also partly due to Mr. Pearlman's tumble down the stairs in the panic after I yelled "Fire!" I hope they'll do better next week.

A New Dress For Mrs. Henley

Today I came straight home after school to work on Mrs. Henley's new dress to replace the one that had been damaged during last month's fire at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Sewing the bed sheets together was more difficult than I had expected, so I went down to Grandmother's laboratory to ask for help. Grandmother had done such a great job on my cat costume a few years ago that I figured this project would be a piece of cake for her. I showed her the pattern I had drawn, and at first Grandmother thought I had made a mistake, that Mrs. Henley could not possibly be that large. But once I assured her of Mrs. Henley's size, Grandmother and I got to work on the dress, and we had it finished in very little time.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Now that the cold weather is here, store some heavy blankets in your car. That way, you'll be able to keep warm if your car breaks down on a secluded road.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If the authorities question you in a missing persons case, be careful not to refer to the missing person in the past tense. Lines like "I loved her so much" and "She meant everything to me" will certainly raise suspicion.