Results From Experiment 8377 (The Remote Control Experiment)

Kiddies, you might recall that back in July another cat experiment enthusiast attempted to access the data to my current experiment. In that blog entry, I promised that I would share the results as soon as the experiment was completed. Well, good new, Kiddies! I have just completed it. It took longer than usual, for this one required a full gross of cats, forcing me to rearrange some things in the basement to clear enough space for one hundred forty-four cat boxes. But the extra effort was well worth it.

As you are most likely aware, we already have tracking chips that can be inserted in animals so that we'll know where they are at all times. While this can prove useful in collecting data, I thought we could go further, and actually control the animals' movements. The idea was rather than simply knowing where the cats go, we tell them where to go. So I went to the local toy store and purchased several remote control cars, and began taking them apart to insert the pieces into cats.

One objective of the experiment was to maintain the natural look and abilities of the cats. So, for example, I discarded the cars' wheels rather than attach them to the cats' paws. Also, I didn't include headlights or a horn. And I didn't want the antennas to be noticeable, so I inserted them into the cats' tails.

While none of the cats moved any great distances, seventeen of the animals (11.8% of the sample size) twitched when I pressed the "Forward" button on the control panel. I found when I switched the cats into four-wheel drive, I got the best results - that is, the most twitching. Cat 098 twitched for nearly thirty-eight seconds while in four-wheel drive. This is quite promising, and an indication of the experiment's potential. Certainly, this experiment merits further investigation and more trials, for when it is perfected, the cats can be used for all sorts of things. They could remove or bury evidence, distract guard dogs to allow you easy access to a property, or perform reconnaissance work (with the simple addition of cameras built into their eyes). You could also cause a black cat to cross the path of anyone for whom you wish bad luck. Cat storage might be a problem of the past, because when this is perfected, you'll simply be able to turn your cats off when they're not needed.

Experiment 8373 Update

Dear Kiddies, as an objective scientist, I have to accept an experiment's results, even when they are not what I desired or expected. Back in August, I started an experiment in an effort to cause cats to bark like dogs. The idea came to me after reading a fan's letter about a medical condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people suddenly begin speaking with a foreign accent after severe head trauma.

In my experiment, none of the cats ended up barking like dogs. In fact, most never meowed again either. After multiple trials, I’ve decided to terminate Experiment 8373. I wish to thank all of you who sent in cats for this experiment. I promise that the few cats I have left over will not go to waste.

Sincerely,
Grandmother Winsome

Grandmother Provides Some Timely Help

Hi, Kiddies. As you know, I've been incredibly busy lately with the Time Machine experiment. This morning I was making some crucial calculations, trying to pinpoint Buddy's current location in time, when I was distracted by a sudden shrill sound. After a brief investigation, I found that it was Cindy sneezing. As I hadn't seen her lately, I took that moment to talk to her about contributing her artwork to the blog. She happily agreed to post her art projects.

I then returned to work, because of course this experiment is important to us all. But Cindy sneezed again. I decided to set aside my calculations for the moment, and take this opportunity to try out my home-made allergy testing center.

Grandmother Winsome's Allergy Testing Center

Buddy, The Time-Traveling Cat

Last spring I received a message from a loyal Fanny Game fan, with a photo of her cat, offering it for use in my experiments. At that time her cat, Buddy, was not right for what I was doing, but I had Jason keep his information on file. And now my latest project has reached a crucial phase where Buddy qualified as the ideal test subject. And, Kiddies, I’m delighted to tell you that the experiment appears to be a success.

This was the last image of Buddy that my surveillance camera caught.

Spring Cleaning

If you have a pet you are not using, please submit a photo of it for consideration in one of my future experiments.

Graph of Experiment 0231-A

Once again here are the results from my Hawaiian experiment, this time in graph form.

This experiment has been so enjoyable.  Now it's time to move on to other work that I have planned.

Results From Experiment 0231-A (The Hawaiian Experiment)

I know a lot of you have been curious about the experiment I conducted in Hawaii.  So I would like to share with you the results.

• Wild rooster (Pistol Jim): 48 min.
• Raccoon: 23 min.
• Cockroach: 22 min.
• Rat: 19 min.
• Coyote: 18.5 min.
• Tarantula: 16 min.
• Cat, black fur: 11 min.
• Cat, black fur, short tail: 11 min.
• Cat, grey fur: 11 min.
• Cat, orange fur: 11 min.
• Cat, orange fur, with limp: 11 min.
• Hawaiian goose: 4 min.
• Gecko: .5 min.

As you can see, the winner of the experiment was Pistol Jim, with the raccoon a distant second. Thanks to all of the participants.

Experiment Participant

The cats in Hawaii run free. Clearly the people here are ignorant of proper cat storage.

Just for my books, what kind of cat was this?

Pistol Jim Revisited

I was so impressed with Pistol Jim's performance yesterday that I went back today to convince him to participate in my experiment.

Location for Experiment 0231-A

Sound really does travel here. But it's difficult to pinpoint its origin, so not to worry.

Grandmother's Special Excursion

Aloha, Kiddies! Greetings from the Koa Kea Hotel & Resort, where I'm enjoying a delicious beverage by the pool. But it's not all fun and games. I'll be doing some important work while I'm here. I didn't want to conduct this experiment too close to home. So I've come to Hawaii.