Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Helps An Optometrist

Kiddies, today I received a delightful email from Sarah Danvers of Rapid City, South Dakota. Sarah writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, during my travels a few months ago, a flight attendant instructed passengers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog before takeoff. Intrigued, I followed her advice, and I am glad I did. I became a fan of your blog that day, and since then, many of your posts have come in handy, none more so than the one from September 11th. I work as an optometrist, and during a busy day, my young twins scribbled all over my current eye chart with their crayons. Ordinarily, I would have had to cancel the remaining appointments while I ordered a new chart. But that post about eye charts saved the day for me. I printed the one you created, and was able to continue with my scheduled appointments. And not only was I able to make up for that little time lost while printing out the chart and spanking my little ones, but I actually finished early that day."

Sweetie, I am so glad that I could be of help, and I am tickled pink that both optometrists and flight attendants are doing their part to spread the word!

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work for the World Meteorological Organization, consider naming the next Category 5 storm Hurricane Grandmother Winsome.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Make a map of the various trash pick-up days in the surrounding areas, so that you'll have a handy guide of where to unload evidence on any given day.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Learn to write with both hands. That way, should it come out during the trial that the crime was committed by someone who is left-handed, you can demonstrate that you are right-handed. Or vice versa.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as an optometrist, instead of using the standard eye chart of miscellaneous letters, use one which says "Follow Grandmother Winsome." I've gone ahead and created it for you to print out.

Or, if you need even more lines for your especially far-sighted patients, create your own that says "Follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice" or "Follow Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living."

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is never a good idea to wear the clothing of your victim to the courtroom during your trial.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Fanny Mail: Professor Responds To College Experiment

Kiddies, over the weekend I received a letter from Professor Rachel McKinley-Buchanan, MD, PhD, of Chicago, Illinois. Rachel writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was surprised upon reading the letter from Professor Phillip Dubois which you addressed today, August 28, 2017. While I don't question the results of my colleague's experiment, I have to admonish him for withholding from half his students advice that he knew would be helpful to them, even for the brief period of a college term. I find such behavior unethical, and obviously it had disastrous results for a portion of those students. Also, who knows what long-term effects some of the others might suffer as a result of not being allowed to follow Grandmother Winsome? Yes, of course it is important to prove things scientifically, but it has already been well established that following Grandmother Winsome's advice is beneficial, and so Professor Dubois needlessly put young people at risk."

Rachel, thank you so much for your letter. I appreciate your zeal and your passion. While I encouraged Professor Dubois to share the results with all his future students, perhaps that's not going far enough. He should publish the results in a reputable journal, so that his experiment does not ever need to be repeated anywhere in the world. No need to put others at risk, as you so eloquently stated in your delightful letter.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Fanny Mail: Saving Cats In Texas

Today I received an email marked "Urgent" from Paula Briggs of Wharton, Texas. Paula writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I have had a boon in cats this past week, as many have floated into our neighborhood. We could have used this surplus, but our basement laboratory is going to be out of commission for a while, and the hotel where we've been staying doesn't have the necessary facilities or sufficient space for our experiments. So we were wondering if you might want the cats. It seems a shame to let them go to waste."

Thank you for your generous offer, Paula, and for contacting me during what I am sure is a hectic time for you. However, the experiment I'm working on now requires live cats. That's not to say that others working in the scientific field won't have use for them. You can check around on the science-based forums online, or let the cats float on to the next town and hope that someone there will put them to good use.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While selling evidence at a yard sale is a bad idea, as the buyer might remember your address, selling evidence at a flea market is actually a good idea. And if you set the price low enough, your buyer might turn around and sell the item again, adding yet another set of fingerprints and further improving the odds that the evidence won't lead back to you.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome's Advice Is Proved To Be Effective

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Professor Phillip Dubois of Grantham, New Hampshire. Phillip writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been following your advice since the inception of the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog in 2011, and have found it to be extremely helpful in my day-to-day existence. I was curious to prove scientifically that following your advice improves one's quality of life. I work in the psychology department of a well-respected college, and decided to conduct an experiment with the summer term's class. I divided the class into two groups. The students in the first group were instructed to go about their lives with only Grandmother Winsome as their guide, following only your advice. The students in the second group were left free to follow whatever advice they desired, apart from that offered by you on the blog. Of this second group, three were arrested and are in jail, awaiting trial. A fourth committed suicide. Others dropped out of the course. Of the group that followed your advice, there was a significantly improved quality of life, with two of them receiving inheritances. A third now has a much happier home life after organizing her mother's cats. Others got out of bad relationships and parking tickets. And none of the students from that group ran into any legal trouble. I wanted to share with you these results, as I am certain you'd be interested in my little experiment."

Phillip, thank you so much for your delightful letter. Please continue to spread the word by sharing the results of your experiment with all future students, emphasizing how well following the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog pays off. Also, if you haven't done so already, tell the students of the second group that are still living that they can now follow my advice.