Thursday, June 28, 2012

Before Going Out...

Be sure to carry a mask in your purse whenever you go out on the town.  Should the need arise to use a public restroom, you can easily slip it on to avoid the risk of being identified on those hidden cameras. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Potty Training

Laura Bostwick writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I had my first child and am trying to potty train him. Whenever he poops in his crib, I rub his nose in it, then smack him with a rolled up newspaper. So far this has had no effect.  Am I not hitting him hard enough? Should I use the Sunday edition?  Please help."

Laura, I completely understand your inclination to train your child as you would a puppy. The problem is that puppies are far smarter than most children, and pick up things more quickly. Babies need to hear the same things over and over before they finally respond appropriately.   It's very frustrating having to repeat yourself.  That is why it's best to hire someone else to train your baby.  Bring in the professionals.  That way you can make better use of your time. Go to the beach, or see a film.  And if you're unable to afford the professionals, then hire someone who is desperate for any work at any rate.  Homeless people and folks who have just been released from prison are always safe bets in that regard.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Thursday's Thought

Do I need to wash clothing before donating it to Good Will?  I'm just afraid the blood will somehow mess up the washing machine.  There is so much of it.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Dorothy Baker of Des Moines, Iowa writes, “Dear Grandmother Winsome, now that I’m postmenopausal, what should I do with the extra money that I set aside each month for abortions?” 

Dorothy, while it is highly unlikely that you will become pregnant, there is still that slight chance.  I applaud the idea of celebrating your likely inability to conceive, but I must warn you against going out and blowing your entire abortion fund.  Do something special for yourself, but keep a little money in that account, just in case.

Friday, June 15, 2012

My First Greeting Card

This is the first Grandmother's Fanny Game greeting card.  I still have some available.  They're only three dollars each, and of course include an envelope.  If you know anyone who loves cats the way I do, he or she would certainly be tickled pink to receive this card in the mail.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Important Car Seat Question

Today I received an interesting letter from Tanya Tailor of Minneapolis.

She writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, do I have to keep my midget in a car seat?  He's thirty-five, but still very tiny.  He insists he no longer needs to ride in his special seat, but I don't want to get into any legal trouble.  I can't afford it, especially after my other convictions."

Well, Tanya, it's better to be safe.  After all, you don't want to be hassled by the fuzz.  And you can tell your midget it's for his own safety, that you care for him.  If he still fusses, tell him that if he's a good boy you'll allow him to decorate his special seat.  Perhaps he'd like to put a sticker of his favorite rock and roll band on the side.  Or maybe tie ribbons to it.  Let him personalize it; then he'll be more excited to ride in it like a good little guy.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Today's Thought

Is there anything funnier than a blind man with bushy eyebrows?