Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Choose a busy public place, and act out your favorite scenes from "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."

This reminds me of my earliest forays into publicity, when I was just a teenager with the traveling carnival. I would choose one act and take it into town in the afternoon as a taste of what the people could enjoy that night. I usually chose Helen and Ellen because they were the most outgoing and friendly, while also being pretty, talented, and interesting to observe. Of all the conjoined twins I've met, they had the most impressive juggling act.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

During the winter, keep a blanket in your car in case of breakdowns. If trouble occurs on the back roads at night, you'll be happy to have it.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Winsome Family History: December 29, 1964

It was fifty years ago today that the first Winsome Family Headquarters was established. At that time, we were promised to soon be living in plastic laminated homes in electric cities, enjoying our 8-tracks. Oh, how the times have changed. We didn't have as much room then, so the experiments had to be kept rather small in scope. Plus, we had to deal with that pesky Declaration of Helsinki. Still, those were good times.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Rehydration

Kiddies, the day after Christmas I received an email from Wally Mitchell of Henderson, Nevada. Wally writes: "Is there a way to rehydrate a dead body? If not the entire body, is it possible to rehydrate just one small area? I really need the neck to return to its supple state."

Wally, I never keep a corpse around that long, so I'm not certain. But some of my fans may have a solution.

Can anyone help Wally? Please leave your comments below.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

At the beginning of this month I hit the road in my ice cream truck, which I recently re-fitted as a traveling massage parlor, because children get aches and pains too. This business venture is going even better than I'd hoped, and this past week in particular saw a lot of customers. Sadly, a few of them were adults, and so to deal with that problem I left the price for children at one dollar but have listed the adult price at two hundred dollars.

A Grandmother Winsome Post-Christmas Tip

Christmas is over, and it's now time to exchange those gifts for items you actually want. Keep in mind that this is the one time of the year when stores do not expect or require you to have a receipt in order to make an exchange, so this makes it a good time to unload other possessions you no longer want. The long lines will keep the clerks from looking too closely at whatever you wish to exchange, so provided the items appear new, you should have no trouble.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Glenn Is An Asshole

My experiment is over. Eight weeks of work, and what do I have to show for it? A popcorn popper. That's right. That's what Glenn made me drive out to the coffee shop to retrieve this morning. That's the gift he gave me. Not the necklace. The necklace that he all but promised me. What happened? Glenn couldn't give a reasonable explanation. Clearly this shows that dating just one man isn't the way to go after all. Next year I'll date as many men as possible.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Christmas Eve Update)

I just got a hold of Glenn on the phone. He said he does have my gift, but can't meet me until the 26th. Of course I am willing to wait one more day for such a gorgeous necklace.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #8)

Christmas is almost here, and this year I am eager to receive a substantial gift. On Halloween I began my holiday experiment, in which I'm dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas. I spent the first several weeks carefully laying the groundwork. During the sixth week, I showed Glenn some choice pieces of jewelry in catalogues, and he indicated his interest in one necklace by telling me, "That is nice." Then last week we simply met for lunch, which provided more evidence that he was saving up his money for the necklace.

This week, Week #8, Glenn told me he was quite busy. And indeed he must have been, for it took him several days to return my call. And when he did, on Thursday, it was to let me know that his weekend was completely booked. I offered to meet him for lunch on Friday, but he told me that's when his office was holding its annual party. Not wanting to be too demanding so close to the big day, I then mentioned the possibility of even meeting him for his bowling night Friday, but he told me he wasn't going to make it this week, because that was the only time he had to do his shopping. And as he didn't invite me along, it became obvious to me that that was the time he planned to purchase the necklace. I can't wait for Christmas. Today I've been practicing my surprised look in the mirror, for when I open his thoughtful gift.

Monday, December 15, 2014

A Grandmother Winsome Christmas Tip

If you're unsure what to get someone for Christmas this year, keep in mind that one gift that is always appreciated is the promise of a strong alibi.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #7)

This is the seventh week of my holiday experiment, in which I am dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas in order to get a substantial gift. Last week Glenn unintentionally revealed the expensive necklace he intends to purchase for me for Christmas. So this week I wasn't all that upset when he said he was only able to meet me during the week on his lunch break. Because I now am certain that he is saving up his money to buy that great gift for me.

As part of my plan to reinforce his excellent choice of gifts, I wore a pretty dress with a low neckline, but without a necklace. Ordinarily I wouldn't be seen in public with a low neckline and no necklace, but the circumstances called for it. Glenn cleverly avoided mentioning the necklace, so clearly he wishes it to be a surprise. But I carefully brought up the subject of jewelry several times, and it seemed that one of those times he winked at me. This is shaping up to be a very merry Christmas indeed.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Spread The Word

Spread the word, Kiddies! Don't pass by a wet slab of concrete without using a stick to write, "Visit the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog."

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Getting That Great Gift: Jane's Holiday Experiment (Week #6)

This is the sixth week of my holiday experiment, in which I'm dating the same man for the eight weeks leading up to Christmas. I accepted two dates from Glenn this week to make up for the one we missed last week. So I am now back on track to meet the quota of eight dates before the big gift day.

I was able to get a hold of Glenn Tuesday night, and he agreed to meet for a drink Wednesday after he got off work. It was a brief date, and he didn't spend as much money as I'd planned. But I've decided that is all right, as it was a mid-week date.

Glenn wasn't available on Saturday, so for our second date, we met again for bowling Friday evening. Though it wasn't a fancy date, I was able to make use of it by bringing along some magazines and a few catalogues. Between frames, I pointed out some stylish items that I admired. Glenn might have inadvertently given away a hint of his purchase plans, because he all but ignored the first few items I pointed out to him, but then, regarding a particularly fine piece of jewelry, he said, "That is nice." So that he wouldn't forget, I slipped that catalogue, folded open to that page, into his bowling ball bag.

I'll make good use of the remaining two weeks to reinforce the idea that this necklace is the perfect choice for my Christmas gift.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

It can be dangerous to let your child ride in the trunk of your car, because someone could rear-end you. So if safety is a concern, have him or her wear a bicycle helmet.