Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

I took the ice cream truck on the road early this year because I read that the cicadas are out in full force in certain states. Right now I am in South Carolina, and you wouldn't believe the noise these insects make. You couldn't hear even a dozen children screaming over this racket. It was certainly worth the trip. Next stop: Georgia.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Things continue to be good with both Mrs. Patterson and Mr. Tanaka, the subjects of my last two experiments. Now I'm toying with an idea for my next experiment at the Birch Street Nursing Home. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But is it? One idea I have is to withhold breakfast from half the patients each Saturday and see how it affects their poker game. If the old saying is correct, then they will make more mistakes than the group that gets breakfast. Before committing to this plan, I'll think more about it at school next week.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, wearing a hat will help obscure your features and keep hairs from being left at the scene. But because of possible security cameras, you'll want to get rid of that hat. One way to dispose of the hat is to go to a hockey game, and when the star player scores his third goal, throw it onto the ice where it will get mixed up with hundreds of other hats thrown by fans in celebration of the hat trick.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I conducted two successful experiments recently at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and today decided to take a break and focus on poker. The patients were happy to have me at the poker table for the entire day this time, especially Mrs. Henley, who outplayed me on a high-stakes hand near the end of the afternoon. I had gone all in on three queens, but Mrs. Henley had a full house. Even though I lost my earnings for the day, I had a wonderful time.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as an astronaut, put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your space ship, and leave a few behind on the next planet you visit for anyone else who might come along.

And for any fan who has run out of bumper stickers, I just found a box of them here at Winsome Headquarters. Drop me a line with your address and the number you need.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

My treatment worked! According to the data collection forms Mrs. Henley handed me this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Tanaka has stopped scratching that irritated spot under his chin. I did notice, however, that the skin there is now a different color from the rest of his neck, so I offered to even it out for him by using my machine again. But he said he liked it as it is.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've just moved to a new town and are curious which activities you need to be secretive about in the area, do not call the police directly to inquire. Though that might be quicker, it is better to take the extra time to do the research yourself. Local authorities tend to be suspicious of new individuals anyway, and you don't want to lend more credence to their assumptions.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I removed the final problematic layer of skin from under Mr. Tanaka's chin. That should do the trick, but this coming week's data collection forms will let me know for sure. Mr. Tanaka didn't squirm as much this time, so we were able to complete the procedure quickly and get back upstairs to join the poker game.

An Important Message From Jane

If you find yourself on a jury and are able to offer sentencing recommendations to the judge, always argue for the maximum sentence. Since men refuse to honor their commitments when they get out of prison, it is best to keep them in there as long as possible.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while I understand wanting to have your getaway vehicle ready to pull out, parking like this might draw unwanted attention to your vehicle, by both the authorities and irritated neighbors.

An Important Message From Grandmother Winsome

If you are a cargo ship captain, wait until your boat clears the bridge before checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

A New Maid At Winsome Headquarters

Kiddies, I have been busy with certain activities and have neglected to mention that I have a new maid. Her first job was cleaning up the old maid. We had picked up the big pieces in January after returning to Winsome Headquarters, but there were still bits scattered here and there from when the robot had gone haywire and attacked her. This new maid is working well, but I'm not getting attached to her. She will be here only until I've perfected a robot maid.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week I received the completed data collection forms from the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and the information there let me know that Mr. Tanaka is still having a problem with that irritated spot under his chin. So today I resumed his treatment. He insisted he was okay, but I told him I was not giving up. I got the machine heated up, and then worked to remove another layer of his skin. I am certain we will have it all removed by the end of the month.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, don't take anyone who is in a wheelchair. While it might seem an ideal choice because you don't have to carry or drag the person, there are drawbacks. For example, if you have an opportunity to escape through the back door, there may not be a handicap accessibility ramp back there. Also, wheelchairs are not easy to push through certain terrain, such as mud or gravel. And, depending on what type of vehicle you have, there might not be enough room in the trunk for both a person and a wheelchair.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, do your best to avoid taking a child. Children will demand too much of your attention, asking lots of annoying questions and needing to use the bathroom every fifteen minutes.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Henley was already at the poker table with a stack of forms and a stack of plates in front of her. She told me she had made sure that all the patients watched Mr. Tanaka throughout the week to see if he would scratch that spot under his chin, and then stood watch as they filled out those data collection forms. The plates were for the pizza party Mrs. Henley was hoping to have since all the forms were completed. I reviewed the forms, and then decided to order pizza for all the patients. As we were finishing the pizza, I let Mr. Tanaka know we'd be resuming his treatment next week.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, choose one that doesn't require a lot of food. You don't want to have to foot a high food bill if the situation drags on for days.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, remember that you can appear to be rough without actually being rough. Hostages that suffer injuries are less likely to be able to move quickly when getting in the trunk of your car.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

After all the blood last week, Mr. Tanaka asked me to hold off on the experiment this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home. I told him we'd see how the day went, and then I kept a close eye on him, even when he left the poker table. And not once did I see him scratch that irritated spot under his chin. Could my experiment already be a success? Grandmother has taught me not to leap to conclusions, so I handed out data collection forms to the other patients and asked them to watch Mr. Tanaka during the week for me. Mrs. Henley asked if there would be another pizza party if she made sure everyone filled out the forms. I told her I'd think about it.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, be warned that the more attractive the hostage is, the more news coverage you'll receive.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If circumstances make it necessary to take a hostage, keep in mind that larger people make better shields, while smaller people fit more easily in the trunk.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I got home late last night from the Birch Street Nursing Home because I had to stay until Mr. Tanaka stopped bleeding. While I was sopping up the blood, he asked me to put a hold on the experiment for at least a couple of weeks. I told him we'd see how things look next Saturday.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today we had a couple of visitors at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Two girls from my class came by late this morning to sell boxes of cookies. Mrs. Lieberman didn't buy any, but invited the girls to join the poker game. It wasn't long before each of the patients had at least one box of cookies, and Mrs. Lieberman had all the money the girls had made on their route. After the girls left, I took Mr. Tanaka down to my basement laboratory to continue my experiment to put an end to his scratching. I turned on the machine, but waited until he had swallowed the cookies before sanding away more of the irritated skin under his chin.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before you attend to certain activities, stop in at a few clubs that offer valet parking to get some extra sets of fingerprints on the getaway vehicle.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mr. Tanaka was already scratching that spot under his chin. I decided today would be the day to start my experiment to help him put a stop to all that constant scratching. I took him down to my basement laboratory, which he was surprised to see. I had forgotten that most of the patients haven't seen my laboratory and its equipment. Once I got him strapped into the chair and the machine warmed up, I opened the case of attachments and took out the one I had in mind. I plugged it into the machine, and it made a terrible, high-pitched noise. I told Mr. Tanaka not to worry, and to hold still while I used the attachment to remove a little area of skin from under his chin. Though there wasn't much blood, Mr. Tanaka asked me to stop after just a few seconds. I did, but I told him the experiment will take much longer if we don't get more skin sanded off during each session. Still, I'm almost certain the experiment will be a success because the rest of the afternoon Mr. Tanaka kept his hand away from that little area I worked on.

Spread The Word

If you work as a bathroom attendant, while handing out towels also recite the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post. You should see an increase in tips for that service, Kiddies!

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Response To A Tip For Better Living

Kiddies, I just received an email from Joey Chen of San Mateo, California. Joey writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I liked your helpful tip from February 6th about making drones look less suspicious. My only concern was getting enough feathers to cover my drone. I was planning on hunting some birds over the weekend, until my sister reminded me that I had promised to take my nephews to the zoo. I was annoyed, but it turned out the zoo had a couple of peacocks. When we left, our pockets were stuffed with peacock feathers. But it didn't quite work out the way I had hoped, because those big, colorful feathers actually drew more attention to my drone rather than less, and I had to quickly call off the operation. As long as my sister doesn't remind me of some other commitment I made, I plan on using the next few evenings to snare some pigeons. I just wanted to write to you to keep your other fans from making a hasty choice in feathers like I did."

Thanks for sharing your experience, Sweetie. Those pigeon feathers should do the trick. And don't be quick to toss out those peacock feathers. They can be used for decorations, and some people believe they bring good luck.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I continued taking notes on any strange behavior from the patients so I could choose my next test subject. Mr. Tanaka was again scratching that spot under his chin, just like he did last Saturday. But this time it was worse. He scratched all through the poker game. He scratched during lunch. He even scratched while Mrs. Henley passed out the medicine. It was nearly constant. I felt so bad for him that by early afternoon I stopped taking notes and made my decision. Mr. Tanaka will be my next test subject.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Tape some feathers to your drone before sending it up so that the people you're spying on won't be as suspicious when they see it hovering outside their windows.

Fanny Mail: A Runner's Problem

Kiddies, today I received a message from Todd Gibbs of Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Todd writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my favorite exercise is running. But I overdid it last week, and now my right foot makes a snapping noise with every step I take. It is loud, Grandmother. And it has made it extremely difficult to sneak up on people. Will this problem fix itself, or am I going to have to make some big changes in my life?"

Well, Todd, this has happened to me several times over the years, and is nothing to worry too much about. It sounds like a case of crepitus. What you need to do is rest your foot and ice it up frequently. Apply compression bandaging, and whenever you can, elevate that foot. You'll be back to successfully sneaking around in no time!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I took a small notebook with me to the Birch Street Nursing Home today so that I could begin taking notes on anything peculiar the patients might do, things that could lead to my next experiment. Who will be my next test subject after my success with Mrs. Patterson? The only unusual thing I noted today that I hadn't noticed before is that Mr. Tanaka frequently scratches a spot under his chin. I wonder if that's something the machine in my laboratory could fix.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Don't date a prisoner! They can't be trusted. Now that my boyfriend had been released from prison and was planning our big surprise date, I decided to take a drive by the trendy new restaurant I'd been telling him about. I wanted to look at the menu and see which table had the best lighting. But what did I find there? My boyfriend, and he was with another woman. I marched right over to him and called him a bum and told him he belonged back in prison. That's it for me. Stay away from prisoners!

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always vote guilty when serving on a jury, and tell all your friends to do the same. The fewer vacant jail cells, the better, in the event that any of your own activities should come to trial.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating a prisoner can be difficult, especially when you show up to the prison on visiting day and he's no longer there. I insisted that he must have been transferred to another facility and demanded to know which prison he was in, but the warden's clerk assured me that he had been released during the week. If this happens to you, don't get too upset about the wasted trip. Your boyfriend is likely setting up a big surprise date for the two of you. So give him a few days to clean up and to make those reservations at the trendy new restaurant you'd been telling him about. And remember to act surprised when he calls you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Because of my recent success with Mrs. Patterson, I spent much of the day at the Birch Street Nursing Home thinking about which patient I could experiment on next. There is Mr. Pearlman, who is blind, and Mrs. Macmillan, who is deaf. They could certainly use my help, but those are tall orders, especially for my little basement laboratory. They will have to wait until later. Not finding an obvious subject, I decided to start keeping notes on all the patients and watch for odd behaviors that I could correct with my special machine.

An Important Message For Defense Attorneys

Defense attorneys, if you have a client incarcerated at a prison where he or she is not given access to the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog, call the governor immediately! It is clearly a case of cruel and unusual punishment.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was cold today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, so the patients took out their light sweaters to wear over their heavy sweaters. Mrs. Lieberman also put on her gloves, but they made it difficult for her to deal the poker cards, so she took them off. After the game, she put them back on, and a few other patients who do not own gloves put socks on their hands.

A Parenting Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If a little more time is needed for the bruises to heal, tell child protective services that you are taking the kids on a fun vacation and you won't be around for the scheduled visit.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Patterson had trouble finding her glasses. I held my breath, worried that she would accuse the dead Mrs. Shimshack of thievery again. But she surprised me by blaming her age instead, and later found her glasses next to her pillow. I am happy to report that the effect of my experiment on Mrs. Patterson has not worn off.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you're dating a twin and are afraid of being put in the position of not being able to tell the two apart, "accidentally" spill hot grease on your loved one's hand. With that permanent mark, he or she will be unable to pull any switcheroo pranks on you.

Edward's Grandfather Frost-Mobile

Because of the mayhem caused when a robot went berserk and slaughtered the maid, we had to flee Winsome Headquarters and were off the grid during the holidays. I missed being able to play Santa while I was in the underground bunker, but everything was resolved in time for the Russian Christmas, which is celebrated today. Instead of Santa, the Russian children believe in Grandfather Frost, so I made a Grandfather Frost suit and found a predominantly Russian neighborhood where I spent the last few days, urging the cute children to sit on my lap and tell me all their desires.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Because of the recent trouble at Winsome Headquarters with Grandmother's robot taking the maid apart and all of us having to go underground for a while, I wasn't able to get to the Birch Street Nursing Home over the holidays. But now that everything is basically back to normal, I decided to celebrate a late Christmas with the patients. I got there early today with my box of decorations and had everything up before they came down to the poker table. Mrs. Henley exclaimed that she had completely forgotten that today was Christmas. In the early afternoon I took down the decorations and wished them all a happy New Year.

Jane's Advice For Dating A Prisoner

Dating someone who is incarcerated can be a strain, especially when you have to flee your home because a robot has run amuck and killed the maid. It is times like that when you wish you could just go to your boyfriend's place and relax, instead of staying in the underground bunker of one of Grandmother's associates. If you are facing a similar situation, one thing you can do to get your mind off things is draw up an itinerary for your first date once your boyfriend is released. Then on your next visiting day share with him all the wonderful places he'll be taking you.

The Winsomes Are Back!

Kiddies, the Winsome Family was forced off the grid for a few weeks when my artificial intelligence experiment went awry and took over the computers, phones and all other electronic devices at Winsome Headquarters. I finally made the decision to have everyone evacuate after I found pieces of the maid in the laundry room, where the robot had decided to build replicas of itself. Because I was unable to make any calls, I had to travel to meet one of my old colleagues who has become an expert in these things. With his help, I was able to shut down the renegade robot and disassemble the others it had built. Don't worry, Kiddies, this episode was only a minor setback in the experiment. My work continues!