Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Tip From Edward

To lessen the chance of any escapes, paint your windows shut.  Then, to avoid any suspicion, simply take a thin black marker and add a line where the window meets the sill. That way, everything will appear normal to any busybodies who happen by.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 21)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I told Mrs. Geffner that blue is a pretty color for hair.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A Message From Jane

We need to protect endangered species, particularly the ones that would provide us with beautiful fur coats. For example, if there were more snow leopards in the world, then it wouldn’t be as difficult for us to buy full-length coats made from their gorgeous furs. Help lift restrictions on fashion. Protecting animals helps us all.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Relationship Question

Today I received an email from Hector Rodriguez.

Hector writes: “My girlfriend likes to leave the lights on when we make love. But that makes it much more difficult for me to fantasize that she’s my mother. How do I convince her to keep the lights out, and to say, ‘That’s a good boy, that’s a good boy’ when I please her?”

Hector, just tell her what you like. In my experience, being forward about one’s wishes always works best. And if the person doesn’t respond well, then you know she’s not the right one for you.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 20)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I visited Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home on Mother’s Day. Her family couldn’t make it, because they were busy going white water rafting.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

A Tip From Edward

When girl scouts come to your door, it’s polite to invite them in to try some of your own cookies. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Children’s Medication Question

Today I received an email from Theresa Bellevue of Austin, Texas.

Theresa writes: “I know children’s medication is different from that of adults, but I’m having trouble finding sleeping pills specifically for children. Should I just give them adult-strength sedatives, but simply fewer of them? Will three suffice?”

Yes, Theresa, I think three should do the trick, assuming the children in question haven’t had a big meal.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 19)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I reminded them that they have absolutely no obligations.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Minutes Of The May 4th Meeting

I received a lot of questions about the last meeting, and so I have decided to release the minutes.


Monday, May 6, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Work-Related Question

Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received a letter from Phillip Murray of Bethesda, Maryland. 

Phillip writes: "Due to my updated status on the Megan's Law list, I find that I'm not welcome at my job on Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day. That's fine. I can use the time off to surf the internet for cute girls. But now I've been informed I'm not getting paid for the day. What legal recourse do I have?"

Phillip, that certainly doesn't seem fair to me. If you're able and willing to go in to work that day, but can't because of their request, that is no mark against you. Though you have a good case, you probably don't want to take this to court, as that can be rather expensive. I suggest you simply shirk your duties on your next paid day. That should make you feel a bit better. And enjoy your day off!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

A Fan's Submission

I'd like to thank Jennifer Kline of Akron, Ohio for responding to my Spring Cleaning announcement. As per my request, Jennifer sent this photo of her cat, Buddy. While Buddy is not right for any of my current experiments, I will certainly keep him in mind for future projects. By the way, what is that pink and white string attached to? I have a few ideas, and I'm curious to see which one is right.