Monday, April 27, 2015

Fanny Mail: A Question About Family

Saturday I received a letter from Mrs. Worthington of Park City, Utah. Mrs. Worthington writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am thinking of having a private mausoleum built in my home. I want to keep my husband and children close to me, and don't enjoy visiting cemeteries. I do, however, have one concern. Will I be expected to set up visiting hours for other family members and friends?"

Well, Mrs. Worthington, many people do enjoy visiting their dead loved ones, and may want to drop by from time to time. But this is your home, and you're not required to let in anyone whom you do not wish to see. However, an option is to have a separate entrance that leads only to the mausoleum, so that no unwanted guests will need to be in any other area of your home. You can post the visiting hours at that entrance. But again, that is only if you decide to allow them access, or even tell them that the bodies are there.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before election day, be sure to visit the campaign headquarters for all the candidates running for judge in your area, and pick up a button in support of each. Once the election is over, save only the button for the winning judge. Then if circumstances lead you to a court appearance, you can wear that button.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Cindy's Best Friend

Mrs. Henderson sure didn't appreciate Allie's school spirit. I thought it was funny that she painted our classroom hamster the school colors, but Mrs. Henderson says the paint has made Mr. Nibbles sick.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Cindy's Best Friend

Allie asked me to stay after school because she wanted to show me something. After Mrs. Henderson left, Allie went back into the classroom, and a few minutes later invited me in. Boy, will the kids be surprised tomorrow when they see that Mr. Nibbles, our classroom hamster, is painted blue and gold, our school colors.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're on trial for a serious crime, be sure to make eye contact with the jury members and smile warmly at them. Also, don't slouch. Having good posture will make a good impression. If the jury sees you at your best, they will have trouble believing the worst of you.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Fanny Mail: An April Fools' Day Concoction

Hi, Kiddies! Late last night I received an email from Gladys Proctor of San Diego. Gladys writes: "As an April Fools' joke, I posted to my cooking blog a baby food recipe that included 1 cup of varnish in the list of ingredients. Well, somebody’s baby died. I just wanted to warn my fellow bloggers that not everyone understands April Fools' jokes. Granted, I did post it just after 11 P.M. on the west coast, which technically made it April 2nd on the east coast. But the reader still should have understood the spirit in which the post was offered."

Gladys, it's so true that not everyone has a sense of humor. But let me offer another thing to consider: the mother knew exactly what she was doing, and used your humorous post as an excuse to get rid of an unwanted baby. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, Sweetie.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Rather than wear gloves, which can be conspicuous in the spring weather, tape small flesh-colored circles of cloth to the tips of your fingers to avoid leaving fingerprints. You could also use bandages if you think only a couple of your fingers will be necessary for the job. Bandages on all ten might draw unwanted attention.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Fanny Mail: A Tip From A Fan

Kiddies, today I received a delightful message from a fan in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Sue Jankowski writes: "Grandmother, I've made good use of the many tips you've provided over the years, and now wanted to offer one of my own. I couldn't find a greeting card offering congratulations on the birth of conjoined twins, so what I did was purchase two identical baby cards and tape them together."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Cindy's Best Friend

The weather was so nice today that Allie and I left school a bit early so we'd have more time to play on the tire swing at our tree house.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Fanny Mail: A Concerned Neighbor

Kiddies, I just received this email from Donald Simpkins of Charleston, South Carolina. Donald writes: "While reviewing this weekend's footage of my neighbor, I noticed she has a new mole on her lower back. I don't think she's aware of it, and I'm afraid it might be something serious. How do I alert her without revealing that I've been filming her?"

Donald, write an anonymous letter to your neighbor, expressing your concern and suggesting she see her doctor.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep all your child's belongings in trash bags. That way, if he suddenly dies, you won't be burdened with gathering and organizing his possessions, which can be difficult for a parent. Everything will be packed and ready for the dump.