Friday, July 25, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Good Point

Hi, Kiddies. Today I received a delightful email from Karen Mendelssohn of Hoboken, New Jersey. Karen writes: "I keep hearing that life begins at forty. Does that mean it's not too late to abort my thirteen-year-old son?"

Sweetie, I was tickled pink by your message, and I thought sharing it with all my fans would be a great way to kick off the weekend.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're on a blind date with a man of questionable means, when the check arrives, excuse yourself to the bathroom and stay in there long enough that he will likely have paid it himself by the time you return.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question About Children's Bodies

Good morning, Kiddies. I received so many delightful messages from fans yesterday, including one from Shelley Combs of Springfield, Illinois. Shelley writes: "How long can an eight-year-old hold his breath? My son is in the pool and hasn't come up for air in quite a while, and I think he might be setting a record. I'm so proud of him! I can't wait until his father comes home."

Well, Shelley, I haven't been able to find statistics specifically for someone of that age. But I did read of two adults who managed to stay under water for more than twenty minutes. Although children have more energy than most adults, they are smaller and so don't have the same lung capacity. Given that information, I would guess that a child of eight might be able to hold his breath for up to fifteen minutes.

Friday, July 4, 2014

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If there should be a mishap while your maid is lighting the fireworks, don't panic.  Assure your guests that this is merely a temporary interruption, then have the maid calmly top off their drinks before she sees to her injuries.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If the grass is damp, be sure the maid doesn't place any of the fireworks on the ground. While lighting off the first one, she should hold the others in her hand to keep them safe.

Grandmother Winsome's Party Preparations

When dressing your maid in the stars and stripes for the holiday, be sure to use vertical stripes and not horizontal, for you don't want to accentuate her already-generous proportions.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, Kiddies: Fireworks are dangerous, so be sure to put your maid in charge of setting them off. It is likely that some member of her enormous family made the fireworks in the first place, so she probably knows what she's doing.

Grandmother Winsome's Party Preparations

If the maid swears that the bathroom floor is clean enough to eat off of, have her prove it.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question From Meadville

Among the many letters I've received in the past few weeks is one from Sharon Gagich of Meadville, Pennsylvania. Sharon writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've noticed that after my neighbor tucks her children into bed each night, she leaves her house and goes across the street to visit a friend. I've discovered that she also leaves her door unlocked at these times. Usually she's gone only twenty minutes, but one night this week she was gone for nearly an hour. Sometimes I keep an eye on her children while she's gone, but I'm not always able to do that. Should I alert the authorities?"

Well, Sharon, I would hesitate before involving the authorities, particularly as this is a situation in your own neighborhood. Once they poke their noses into something, they are often reluctant to let it go, and may return to follow up with more questions, which might prove inconvenient for you.  Instead, keep up with your surveillance, but don't worry about those nights when you're unable to watch the children.