Friday, August 29, 2014

Poll Results: What Is The Most Enjoyable Way To Induce A Miscarriage?

Kiddies, I’ve been so busy with my travels and various experiments that I haven’t had time to make a graph for the most recent Fanny Game poll. But today I assigned the maid some extra tasks so that I could set aside some time for that very purpose. I delight in creating these colorful charts, Kiddies. And while one choice is clearly the favorite, each of the others garnered enough interest among the fans to make for an appealing chart. So here you go with the results from my latest poll.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

When meeting someone for the first time, introduce the idea that you have a twin. The other person will undoubtedly ask you about her, giving you the opportunity to say the two of you don’t get along. You’ll find this will come in handy later on when the person takes offense at something you've done.   

Monday, August 25, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Catsuit Question

Hi, Kiddies. Yesterday I received an email from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. Agnes writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I like my new cat, but he's just not as soft as my old cat. So I made a little coat for him out of the old cat's fur. But I am having trouble getting him to wear it. Do you have any suggestions?"

Yes, Agnes, I do. Attach firm clasps to the front of the coat. Or if you'd prefer this to be a long-term thing, you could sedate the cat and then sew the coat shut on him.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Ice Cream Truck Advice From Edward

With school starting and autumn just around the corner, we are nearing the end of Ice Cream Truck Season. Sure, it’s a sad time, but don't allow it to get you too down. There are still plenty of moments to deliver those special treats. Take advantage of the weekends, when many children are still out late, playing in their yards. And even on weekdays during these first few weeks of school there are opportunities, as children are not assigned much homework yet and so have more free time. Also, if you're attempting to extend your working hours deep into the evening, try adding hot cocoa to your list of items for sale. And be sure to enjoy each precious moment.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question From Ithaca

Hi, Kiddies. Lately I've been receiving a lot of mail. One of the letters I received today is from Matthew Thompson of Ithaca, New York. Matthew writes: "My wife and I recently had our first baby, and unfortunately it is deathly allergic to dog hair. After the latest and most serious reaction, which required hospitalization, we were told by several doctors that we had to give up our dog. We've had Patsy since we first started dating ten years ago and are quite attached to her. So we decided to give up the child instead. After all, Patsy is quite old and is unlikely to find another home. Plus, we really wouldn't feel right abandoning her this late in her life. She relies on us. My wife and I are still in our early thirties, so there is plenty of time to have another child after Patsy has passed. But since finding a new home for our child, we've noticed Patsy hasn't been sleeping well. She had taken an instant liking to the baby, and would always spend the night curled up next to its crib. What can we do to lift the old gal's spirits?"

Well, Matthew, you and your wife might consider taking Patsy on a day trip, just the three of you. Perhaps a nice picnic by a lake. And while you're gone, have a trusted friend remove the crib from your home and put it in storage until you need it later. When you return, it will be like the child had never been there. I'm sure before long, Patsy will be back to her old self.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Fanny Mail: A New Son

Hi, Kiddies! This morning I received an email from Bill Snyder of Lebanon, Pennsylvania. Bill writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just learned that I have a son. He is fifteen, and his name is Ephram. His mother now thinks I should be a part of his life, but I hate the name Ephram. If I'm to be a parent, shouldn't I have a say in what the child is to be named?"

Well, Bill, perhaps you should meet with the child once and see if he's worth getting to know. If he is, then you could discuss his name with the boy's mother. If she's unwilling to budge, just give him a nickname, which he would use whenever in your company.

As a side note, I have fond associations with the name Ephram. I knew an Ephram once during the traveling days of my youth.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question About Childhood Scars

Hi, Kiddies! Late last week I received a letter from Maureen Seaver of Lansing, Michigan. Maureen writes: "My daughter has scars all over her face and neck because I didn’t bother to cut her fingernails when she was a baby. At the age of four, she started asking questions about the marks, and I told her she was attacked by her Great Aunt Millie's orange cat. I never cared for that cat, or for Aunt Millie for that matter. So I was able to use my daughter's fear of cats to avoid the both of them for several years. But then as she got into her teens, my daughter started seeking cats out. As long as she didn't request to visit Aunt Millie's cat, I had no problem with her new interest. I was just happy she stopped asking me about her scars. But yesterday a policeman showed up and asked about several missing cats in the neighborhood. Do I need to tell my daughter the truth now, or should I just let things run their course?"

Well, Maureen, it is unlikely that any police inquiry will lead them to uncovering the truth about your daughter's scars. I think you have nothing to worry about. And if your daughter is cleaning the neighborhood of cats, so much the better. As far as I'm concerned, there is no crime in that.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your vacation this year is to some remote destination, do your part and encourage everyone at your hotel to visit the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Sunday Morning Tradition

Hauling your trash to the dump is a time-honored Sunday morning tradition. In recent years many dumps have closed. But that doesn’t mean those are no longer good places to leave your unwanted items. In fact, because they’re now unattended, the dumps are perfectly suited for getting rid of certain evidence.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Winsome Family History: August 2, 1954

It was sixty years ago today that George "The Killer" Steele first masterfully eluded the authorities, beginning a game that kept them occupied for decades.