Sunday, September 28, 2014

Grandmother's Thought For Sunday

If you live near a church, become friendly with the pastor, so then he’ll be more likely to comply with your reasonable request to turn down those annoying bells on Sunday. After all, those are not real bells anymore, but are merely a recording of bells, the volume of which can easily be lowered.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Have a picture of your favorite Winsome Family member tattooed on your arm. If you're afraid of needles, have it tattooed on your child's arm.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Whenever you're invited to a wedding, your standard response should be, "I think I'm going to be out of town that weekend." And then, to keep from being seen shopping or dining, take the opportunity to actually go out of town. We all deserve little vacations, and a wedding provides the perfect excuse for one.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question About Changes In The Home

Hi, Kiddies. Today I received an email from Evan Friedlander of Nova Scotia. Evan writes: "I read your post about the couple who gave up their baby and kept their dog. Do you have any advice for people who want to give up both a baby and a dog? My wife and I are about to have new carpet installed in our home, and have no desire for it to be covered in dog hair or baby vomit."
Well, Evan, there are always people who are looking for either a dog or a child. However, rarely are a dog and child packaged together. So separate transactions would be the most efficient way to go about this. And while it does require more work from you, you will have your nice, clean carpet.  Remember, you could simply leave the dog outside, provided you have some sort of yard.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies. Take part in the Adopt-A-Highway Program and name your stretch of the road the Grandmother Winsome Expressway.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Fanny Mail: A New Face For An Old Friend

Kiddies, I received a delightful message this morning, and I wanted to share it with all my fans. 

Dear Grandmother Winsome, I came upon your blog in a moment of desperation, and found just what I needed in your list of aliases that you no longer use. Everything is fine now. And I just wanted to wish you the best. I look forward to visiting your blog on a regular basis.
Allison McCallister

I’m tickled pink to be of help, Allison. And for anyone else who is in need, there are plenty more aliases waiting to be adopted. You can find the list here.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question Of Fairness

Earlier today I received an email from Ernie Brozier of Wichita, Kansas. Ernie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the woman I raped several years ago is currently on a book tour, promoting her work on life lessons she’s learned through coming to terms with her ordeal. I hadn't spoken to anyone about that night, and I had expected that the woman would likewise keep it to herself. And now I've learned that she's capitalizing on an experience that I made possible for her. Isn't it only fair then that I should receive some of the credit and royalties? After all, she wouldn’t be in this position had it not been for me. Of course, I’m not claiming to have done any of the writing. But obviously none of those lessons would have been possible without me coming into her life."

Well, Ernie, while I do think you have a point, I also believe the author may not be inclined to share the credit for her work. After all, it sounds like she's writing about her own experiences following your meeting. However, you can always contact her publisher and agent and make your case to them. You could also retain a lawyer to make your case for you. If you don't get the response you're hoping for, another option would be to write a book yourself detailing your own position and what you've learned from the experience. A little research leads me to believe that book might sell even better.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question About Character

On Saturday I received a letter from Ellen Hopkins of Stuart, Florida. Ellen writes: "Sometimes it takes an extreme set of circumstances to learn about one’s true character. Several months ago my husband and I, along with our young child, were in a raft that was attacked by a shark. In the panic, when things looked their most grim, my husband threw our child at the shark, and the two of us were able to escape. At the time, I was just relieved to have survived. But looking back, I feel my husband may have revealed something about himself. And though I still find him incredibly sexy, I'm afraid I have lost some of my respect for him. Can I trust him? He suggested going to the beach this past holiday weekend, and I balked. What if we are in similar circumstances again? Would he be so quick to sacrifice me to save his own skin? Or am I putting too much emphasis on this one episode?"

Well, Ellen, I understand the inclination to draw conclusions from one rather extreme moment. But before you lose your trust in your husband, consider the possibility that his actions were in order to save you, and not just himself. Perhaps what he truly revealed in that moment was his undying love for you. In your letter, you didn't indicate anything else alarming about your husband's behavior before or since this incident, so why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Take him up on his next offer of a beach vacation. It may be just what you need to set your mind at ease.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When writing letters to political prisoners, be sure to update them with the latest news from Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Question About Babies

Hi, Kiddies. A few days ago I received a letter from Nickie Haynes of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Nickie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I’m discovering just how expensive it is to have a baby. And in my case, the costs are doubled because I ended up with twins. I really only budgeted for one baby, so what I’ve been doing is feeding one on one day, and the other on the next day. But they look so similar that now I’m worrying that I’ve been feeding the same one for the past week or so. It seems like one of them is always crying, and I have a feeling it's the same one. What should I do to make sure I feed both of them equally?"

Well, Nickie, I assume you purchased only enough clothing for one child, as your budget would seem to indicate. So what you can do is feed whichever one you’ve clothed on a given day. In the morning take the clothes off of one and put them on the other, and then at lunch feed the one that is dressed.