Monday, June 26, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Though you are able to purchase an engraved tombstone prior to someone's demise, do not include the date of death on it, just in case someone happens upon the stone before you're ready for it to be seen.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Spread The Word

When filling out your will, be sure to stipulate that "Dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome" must be engraved on your tombstone.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Cindy Visits Mrs. Chang

Today, when I went to the cemetery for Mrs. Chang's monthly grave cleaning, I found a lot of gum stuck to the headstone. It took me most of the afternoon to get it all scraped off, but now her stone looks as good as new. Happy birthday, Mrs. Chang!

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work at a bakery, write "Follow Grandmother Winsome" in pink on all the display cakes.

Friday, June 16, 2017

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Not all cries for help should be answered.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Even in summer, be sure to take a sweater with you if you travel by plane. It often gets cool in the aircraft cabin.

And, Kiddies, don't forget your peanuts.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, there is something to be said for hiding evidence in plain sight. So why not make a necklace out of the finger bones?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Be nice to barbacks, for they are tomorrow's bartenders.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Edward's Business Adventures

What a great weekend. I took out the ice cream truck for its first trip of the season. It's hard to believe this will be my fourth year of serving delicious treats to deserving children. I decided to revisit some of my favorite parks from previous years, and the children there were excited to see me again. They came running as soon as I arrived. This promises to be a fun summer. And for those parents who have entrusted their illegal immigrant children to me, don't worry, this does not mean I will be neglecting the Traveling Babysitting Service. I left those kids in my associate's camper, and on days when I'm not too tired, I will check in on them after I've done my ice cream route.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date shows up without a gift, don't criticize him. Simply order the most expensive item on the menu.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you call a radio talk show, be sure to introduce yourself as a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Unexpected Boon

Kiddies, I was going through my Fanny Mail, and came across a delightful letter from Susan Steele of Raleigh, North Carolina. Susan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to share with you something that happened to me today, and to tell you why I am so thankful that I had purchased an 'I'm following Grandmother Winsome' bumper sticker. I had just had a little drink and was speeding through a school zone, so as not to get stuck behind one of those slow buses, when a police car pulled me over. I was certain I'd get a ticket, but the officer spotted my Grandmother Winsome bumper sticker and ended up giving me just a verbal warning. It seems there are Grandmother's Fanny Game fans everywhere!"

Thank you for sharing, Susan! I'm tickled pink that the bumper sticker proved so handy for you. And for those fans who have not yet purchased an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker, there are still some available.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you have what promises to be a lengthy trial coming up, and your lawyer thinks it doesn't look good for you, adopt a sickly child and seat it just behind you during the proceedings. It will make you seem more compassionate, and won't be much of a time commitment.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Question From Missouri

Kiddies, I am tickled pink at the number of letters that arrived while I was overseas. Today I've decided to answer a letter from Frank Moore of Joplin, Missouri. Frank writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been running an orphanage for the past seven months. When I took over the position, the orphanage had been about to close due to crowded conditions and lack of funding. I turned things around by implementing the system we used at my previous job at the dog pound. If the orphanage is full, a child has seventy-two hours to be claimed, or it is put down. At first, some of the staff found the system distasteful, so I created the Tree Program as well. Each time a child dies, we plant a tree in his or her memory. But now we're running out of room on our two-acre property. The Tree Program has become something of an important tradition here with both the staff and the children. What could I implement that would be a worthy replacement?"

Well, Frank, you could plant something smaller, like a bush. And if you run out of room for those, you could re-name some of the objects that are already there at the orphanage in memory of the children. The Katie Washing Machine, for example, or the Emily Refrigerator, or even the Little Larry Light Switch. Using objects already in your possession would also save the orphanage money. I'm sure the staff and children would enjoy re-naming all the objects they can find.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Grandmother Winsome Returns

Kiddies, I'm back! My overseas trip was delightful and rewarding. I was able to reconnect with some associates I hadn't seen in decades. I got back Thursday, and with renewed energy immediately set to work on a new experiment, one requiring plenty of materials. I employed Cindy's help in tracking down certain items, sending her to places where her small size would give her an advantage in obtaining them. During a short break in my work, while waiting for her to return, I took a look at a couple of Cindy's recent Fanny Game blog posts, and I am very pleased with her work. So I've decided to give Cindy more responsibilities here at Winsome Headquarters. And for those of you who sent in Fanny Mail while I was overseas, I will be getting to some of those letters during future breaks in this important experiment.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan Loves His New Mower

Grandmother is still overseas, and the Fanny Mail is really piling up. Grandmother didn't leave me any instructions regarding the mail, but I don't want her to have too much work waiting for her when she returns. So on my way out the door this morning, I decided to grab one of the letters. I had a chance to read it during lunch and to work on a response during recess. The letter was from Phil Dombrowski of West Mifflin, Pennsylvania, who writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my neighbor's cat had a habit of cutting through my yard, but last weekend when my new 24 horsepower riding lawn mower was delivered, I was finally able to fix the problem. In years past, the cat was able to outrun my old push mower, due mainly to my bad knee. My neighbor was completely understanding of the 'accident' and didn't put up a fuss. And so I got to thinking about my other neighbors' dog, which sometimes barks in the evening. They keep it tied up, and as a result it never enters my yard. So I was just wondering if it would seem suspicious if I offered to mow their lawn."

Well, Mr. Dombrowski, my teacher always says it's nice to help out a neighbor. And I'm sure your neighbors will understand that you want to ride on your new mower as much as possible. Do a good job, and you might find other neighbors requesting your services, and soon you'll be able to mow the entire neighborhood.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Collect feathers whenever you find them to give to the maid so she can keep her feather duster in tip-top shape.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Holding your cell phone to your ear as you walk from the parking lot to the store will help keep homeless people from approaching you. Or at least it will make it more believable that you simply didn’t hear their annoying requests for money.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Sit at the front of the school bus and between stops tell the bus driver all about the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Instead of asking someone if she has gained weight, ask her if her sweater has shrunk. You can be sure she'll get the idea, but you'll save her the embarrassment. You can even express concern that her dryer might be ruining her clothes.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Legal Advice

Always mark on your calendar when your library books are due, so that you don't risk turning them in late and getting in trouble.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

My Traveling Babysitting Service has become so popular among illegal immigrant families hoping to protect their children that not only is my van full, but my associate's camper in the woods is also full. So, out of necessity, I've had to let some of the children go. To create as much space as possible, I've released the largest ones, dropping them off at the next town with instructions to not return to their homes. I reminded them that's the first place the immigration authorities would look.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Winsome Family History: May 1, 2016

It was one year ago today that we learned Milton is allergic to strawberry ice cream.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Keep a chart of the men you're dating, with the exact amount of money they spend on each date. That way, if two men want to take you out on the same night, you'll be able to tell at a glance which one to choose.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Check the pockets of clothes that no longer fit you before donating them to the needy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Doing all your homework on the playground during recess will then free up your evenings for other activities.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

A Tip From Edward

Ease the tension with a particularly uncooperative child by making wine cooler ice pops and offering him a couple.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

A Dating Tip From Edward

Never underestimate the amount of rope you'll need.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Make a little cheat sheet with information about your date, things you're likely to forget, such as his name, occupation, favorite food and so on. He'll be thrilled that you remember the name of his dog or the sports team he follows, and will be more likely to pick up the check at the end of dinner. Add more notes to the card during the date, in case you decide to see him again.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Learn what allergies your fellow students have before bringing in baked goods to share with the class.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

Immigrant parents continue to entrust their children to me while the deportation raids are in effect. In fact, so many parents are taking advantage of my Traveling Babysitting Service that I've had to stash some of the children in an associate's camper while I pick up new clients. Don't worry, the camper is hidden in the woods, so the kids won't be found, and it's on cinder blocks, so it won't be going anywhere.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Showing up unannounced at a man's place of work may upset him because he won't be properly prepared to receive you. He likely won't have a gift ready for you, and his clothes may still have that heavy smoke smell.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because you know where a man works doesn't mean it's a good idea to show up there unannounced during the day.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

There is no need to set a fire in your home to attract firemen. Simply go to a public building and pull the fire alarm.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Cindy's First Day In Charge

Grandmother is overseas, and she's left me in charge. As soon as the maid finished her tasks for the day, I locked her in her special room in the basement, as Grandmother had instructed. A little later, when I was back in my room, I heard a loud bang. I smelled smoke at the top of the basement stairs, and went to call the fire department, as I'd been taught in school. But before I reached the phone I heard the fire trucks pulling up outside. Jane was already at the door to let the firemen in, wearing her favorite red dress and fur stole. As I followed them down the basement stairs, Allie urged me not to tell the firemen that I'd been playing with Grandmother's chemicals. The fire wasn't on Grandmother's laboratory table, but over in the corner near the secret door to the maid's room. The maid didn't make a sound the whole time, and I wondered if she was okay. It didn't take the firemen long to put out the fire, but Jane kept them talking for a long time afterward. When the firemen finally left, I checked in on the maid, and she was fine.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Spread The Word

If you work as a flight attendant, when you make the announcements regarding the exits and oxygen masks, be sure to also tell the passengers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog before takeoff.

Grandmother's Post-March Madness Trip

Kiddies, I've collected my winnings from March Madness and I'm traveling overseas! Cindy has done such a great job letting the maid out every morning, that I've decided to give her more responsibilities while I'm gone. She will be in charge of assigning the maid's tasks every day and then making sure those tasks are completed, as well as locking her in at the end of the night. I think Cindy will do a fine job, and I've instructed her that should the maid get out of hand to simply threaten her with deportation, as I outlined in Episode 6 of my delightful program. I also reminded Cindy that she and the other Winsome Family members are responsible for updating the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog while I'm gone.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Putting an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car will help reduce the cost of living, for meter maids are less likely to write parking tickets to those with Grandmother Winsome stickers.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Spread The Word

When starting a new job, be sure to introduce yourself to your co-workers as a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome. That will show them you're a person that can be trusted.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always secure the ladder when your maid is painting the second story of your house. Because if she falls, it might make it difficult for her to complete her other tasks. Use sandbags, or, if none are available, tie a couple of fat neighborhood children to the base of the ladder. Safety first, Kiddies!

Here is a bonus tip: If you choose to have your maid perform her painting duties during daylight hours, when she would be in plain view to the immigration authorities, simply have her wear a Halloween costume that covers her entire body. A gorilla costume is a perfect choice.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend an execution, lament to those others present, "If only he had followed Grandmother Winsome's legal advice."

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if your maid is dangling from your window and calling for help, don't reach for your camera to record the event. Instead, quickly renegotiate her contract in your favor and then pull her to safety.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a dietician, tell your clients that instead of snacking between meals they should read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Spread The Word

If you work at a bank, tell your clients that followers of Grandmother Winsome are more likely to receive approval for large loans.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Thoughts On Figure Skating

Kiddies, I became impatient while waiting for the basketball games to start, so I switched the channel to see what else was on, and I came upon a figure skating competition. Apparently, figure skating is a big deal in Finland. I normally avoid watching any type of sporting event that I don't bet on, but my attention was caught because one of the skaters was wearing an outfit dominated by Grandmother Winsome Pink. And then it occurred to me how to make figure skating interesting. Just have all the contestants take the ice at the same time. With those numerous sharp blades twirling in the air, something exciting is bound to happen. I expect to see this change implemented before next year.

April Fools' Day

I was sad to learn that Mexicans don't celebrate April Fools' Day. It was Allie's idea to tell the Mexican maid that the immigration authorities were at the door, but I was the one who actually played the prank on her. She started crying hysterically, and even after I yelled "April Fools," it took her several moments to calm down.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Cesar Chavez Day

Happy Cesar Chavez Day, Kiddies! To celebrate the day, I let the Mexican maid out in the back yard for a supervised walk. I told Cindy to keep it brief, for the immigration authorities are out in great numbers today.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When assigned a lawyer, the first thing you should tell him or her is that you already follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice. That way, he or she will know you are a savvy defendant who will be easily proved innocent.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Tip From Edward

When filming people at night from the trees surrounding their property, be sure to cover the red light on your camera with a piece of black electrical tape.