Friday, April 28, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Keep a chart of the men you're dating, with the exact amount of money they spend on each date. That way, if two men want to take you out on the same night, you'll be able to tell at a glance which one to choose.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Check the pockets of clothes that no longer fit you before donating them to the needy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Doing all your homework on the playground during recess will then free up your evenings for other activities.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

A Tip From Edward

Ease the tension with a particularly uncooperative child by making wine cooler ice pops and offering him a couple.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

A Dating Tip From Edward

Never underestimate the amount of rope you'll need.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Make a little cheat sheet with information about your date, things you're likely to forget, such as his name, occupation, favorite food and so on. He'll be thrilled that you remember the name of his dog or the sports team he follows, and will be more likely to pick up the check at the end of dinner. Add more notes to the card during the date, in case you decide to see him again.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Learn what allergies your fellow students have before bringing in baked goods to share with the class.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

Immigrant parents continue to entrust their children to me while the deportation raids are in effect. In fact, so many parents are taking advantage of my Traveling Babysitting Service that I've had to stash some of the children in an associate's camper while I pick up new clients. Don't worry, the camper is hidden in the woods, so the kids won't be found, and it's on cinder blocks, so it won't be going anywhere.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Showing up unannounced at a man's place of work may upset him because he won't be properly prepared to receive you. He likely won't have a gift ready for you, and his clothes may still have that heavy smoke smell.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Just because you know where a man works doesn't mean it's a good idea to show up there unannounced during the day.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

There is no need to set a fire in your home to attract firemen. Simply go to a public building and pull the fire alarm.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Cindy's First Day In Charge

Grandmother is overseas, and she's left me in charge. As soon as the maid finished her tasks for the day, I locked her in her special room in the basement, as Grandmother had instructed. A little later, when I was back in my room, I heard a loud bang. I smelled smoke at the top of the basement stairs, and went to call the fire department, as I'd been taught in school. But before I reached the phone I heard the fire trucks pulling up outside. Jane was already at the door to let the firemen in, wearing her favorite red dress and fur stole. As I followed them down the basement stairs, Allie urged me not to tell the firemen that I'd been playing with Grandmother's chemicals. The fire wasn't on Grandmother's laboratory table, but over in the corner near the secret door to the maid's room. The maid didn't make a sound the whole time, and I wondered if she was okay. It didn't take the firemen long to put out the fire, but Jane kept them talking for a long time afterward. When the firemen finally left, I checked in on the maid, and she was fine.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Spread The Word

If you work as a flight attendant, when you make the announcements regarding the exits and oxygen masks, be sure to also tell the passengers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog before takeoff.

Grandmother's Post-March Madness Trip

Kiddies, I've collected my winnings from March Madness and I'm traveling overseas! Cindy has done such a great job letting the maid out every morning, that I've decided to give her more responsibilities while I'm gone. She will be in charge of assigning the maid's tasks every day and then making sure those tasks are completed, as well as locking her in at the end of the night. I think Cindy will do a fine job, and I've instructed her that should the maid get out of hand to simply threaten her with deportation, as I outlined in Episode 6 of my delightful program. I also reminded Cindy that she and the other Winsome Family members are responsible for updating the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog while I'm gone.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Putting an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car will help reduce the cost of living, for meter maids are less likely to write parking tickets to those with Grandmother Winsome stickers.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Spread The Word

When starting a new job, be sure to introduce yourself to your co-workers as a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome. That will show them you're a person that can be trusted.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always secure the ladder when your maid is painting the second story of your house. Because if she falls, it might make it difficult for her to complete her other tasks. Use sandbags, or, if none are available, tie a couple of fat neighborhood children to the base of the ladder. Safety first, Kiddies!

Here is a bonus tip: If you choose to have your maid perform her painting duties during daylight hours, when she would be in plain view to the immigration authorities, simply have her wear a Halloween costume that covers her entire body. A gorilla costume is a perfect choice.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend an execution, lament to those others present, "If only he had followed Grandmother Winsome's legal advice."

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if your maid is dangling from your window and calling for help, don't reach for your camera to record the event. Instead, quickly renegotiate her contract in your favor and then pull her to safety.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a dietician, tell your clients that instead of snacking between meals they should read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Spread The Word

If you work at a bank, tell your clients that followers of Grandmother Winsome are more likely to receive approval for large loans.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Thoughts On Figure Skating

Kiddies, I became impatient while waiting for the basketball games to start, so I switched the channel to see what else was on, and I came upon a figure skating competition. Apparently, figure skating is a big deal in Finland. I normally avoid watching any type of sporting event that I don't bet on, but my attention was caught because one of the skaters was wearing an outfit dominated by Grandmother Winsome Pink. And then it occurred to me how to make figure skating interesting. Just have all the contestants take the ice at the same time. With those numerous sharp blades twirling in the air, something exciting is bound to happen. I expect to see this change implemented before next year.

April Fools' Day

I was sad to learn that Mexicans don't celebrate April Fools' Day. It was Allie's idea to tell the Mexican maid that the immigration authorities were at the door, but I was the one who actually played the prank on her. She started crying hysterically, and even after I yelled "April Fools," it took her several moments to calm down.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Cesar Chavez Day

Happy Cesar Chavez Day, Kiddies! To celebrate the day, I let the Mexican maid out in the back yard for a supervised walk. I told Cindy to keep it brief, for the immigration authorities are out in great numbers today.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When assigned a lawyer, the first thing you should tell him or her is that you already follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice. That way, he or she will know you are a savvy defendant who will be easily proved innocent.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Tip From Edward

When filming people at night from the trees surrounding their property, be sure to cover the red light on your camera with a piece of black electrical tape.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

A March Madness Tip

Kiddies, I hope your bets on the college basketball games are paying off as handsomely as mine are! Here is a tip to help you enjoy the games even more. Take advantage of the numerous commercial breaks to revisit your favorite episodes of "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." That way, even if the teams you picked don't do as well as you'd expected, it won't be time wasted.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Building a house can be expensive, but there are ways to save money. For example, it's easy to strike a deal with the subcontractors in charge of the foundation. Simply tell them for each body they're allowed to dump in, they have to subtract another hundred dollars from the bill.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

The Traveling Babysitting Service is doing more business than ever. Several illegal immigrants have entrusted their children to me for the long term, until these deportation raids cease. The parents believe their children are safer if they're constantly on the move, so I promised to keep the kids away from their homes as long as necessary.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is difficult to get a murder conviction without a body, so keep that corpse in a secure location until after the trial.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

An occasional kind word to a neighbor might be enough to keep him or her from later reporting your suspicious activities to the authorities.

Monday, March 6, 2017

A Message From Cindy

I like the Mexican maid, and I don't think she's dangerous. But Allie insists that she must have done something unspeakable in order to be locked up in Grandmother's basement every night. Today on the way to school, Allie handed me a knife and told me to keep it with me at all times, just in case.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Mexican Maid Update

Kiddies, during the latest roundup of illegal immigrants, two of my neighbors had their maids carted away. But don't you worry, they did not get my Mexican maid. Every night she is safely locked away in that special room in my basement, where she is protected from the prying eyes of law enforcement. The other good news is that my Mexican maid's productivity is at an all-time high. As you'll recall from the "Mexican Maid" episode of my delightful program, one way to improve your maid's work ethic is to constantly threaten her with deportation. Well, these days, that threat carries more weight than ever before. I find my Mexican maid offering to do even more than her allotted daily chores. What a wonderful time to be alive!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Cindy's Special Assignment

I am always excited to help Grandmother, and now she's given me a special new assignment to perform each morning before I go to school. In the basement, there is a secret room that I didn't even know existed, and every morning I unlock its door to let the Mexican maid out. I am pleased that Grandmother has entrusted me with this task, although Allie says the Mexican maid must have done something terrible for Grandmother to lock her up like that every night, and she has warned me to be careful.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Keeping My Mexican Maid!

To keep my Mexican maid safe from deportation, I lock her in the basement of Winsome Headquarters every night after she finishes her duties. They will not find her there. From what I've heard, her many children have already been deported, but I am keeping that information from her, because I think it might cause a drop in her productivity.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you are looking for a way out of a marriage, one trick is to start flirting with violent, unstable men, and simply tell them, "Oh, if only I were single, you would be exactly the kind of guy I could fall for." Remember, you won't have to actually follow through if one of them does do away with your husband, because he will be in jail for a long time.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

I've heard that men don't appreciate women who appear to be self-centered. So when on a first date, pay enough attention to the man's stories that you can ask one or two follow-up questions. Keeping him talking about himself will keep him interested in you. And if he believes you to be considerate, even altruistic, then later when you mention a few items that you might like to someday own, he will be more likely to purchase them for you immediately, thinking that it is a rare thing for you to want something for yourself.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Keeping My Mexican Maid!

While deportations might seem like a good idea to help clear our clogged highways, nobody had better try to take away my undocumented Mexican maid. You'll remember that she is locked into a contract with me for another five years. And a U.S. citizen would likely demand even more than the $2.10 an hour she and I settled on after our lengthy negotiations.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Immigration Restrictions, And What They Mean For You

Kiddies, though the world might be in turmoil, that shouldn't stop you from going about your daily business. In fact, now you are provided with a great new way to get rid of any resulting evidence. Hire illegal immigrants to take the evidence back to their respective countries. Once they're there, you're completely in the clear, because those people won't be allowed back in, should they have a change of heart and wish to implicate you. Use the new immigration restrictions to your advantage.