Monday, August 21, 2017

Jane's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

I was disappointed that the local tavern didn't have a special happy hour during the solar eclipse.

Edward's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

I was terribly disappointed with the solar eclipse. It didn't get nearly dark enough to suit my purposes.

Cindy's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Allie's disappointed that I won't be able to watch the solar eclipse with her, but Grandmother has given me a special assignment that must be done during that time.

Another Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Kiddies, while everyone else is busy looking up at the sun, you can be busy disposing of evidence.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

A Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to look up at the sun during the upcoming solar eclipse, think of the consequences. You could damage your eyes and no longer be able to read my delightful blog posts.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a dentist, instead of pumping bad music into the reception area, make a recording of yourself reading the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts, which you then can play on a loop for those waiting.

Monday, August 14, 2017

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

If you're stuck in traffic, Kiddies, do not despair. As long as you have an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car, that time spent in traffic is not time wasted because you'll be helping to spread the word.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Fan Photo

 The cat won't hang itself, Kiddies.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Lip Reading Course

Kiddies, today I completed my intensive course on lip reading. I encourage you all to take a similar course, for it can be beneficial to know what people are saying when they're whispering or when they believe they're outside of earshot. However, I was surprised to learn that avoiding having your own lips read was not covered by the course. So let me fill in that gap by offering a few free tips. If you're a sports fan, like I am, you are probably already aware that you can cover your mouth whenever saying anything you might not want to share with your opponents. That is the easiest way to avoid having your lips read, but use this method judiciously, as it may suggest to those watching that you're trying to hide something. Another option is to speak as a ventriloquist does, with as little movement of the mouth as possible. While that could mean taking a second course, it would be worth the investment in the long run. A third option is to have some code words with your associates. That way, anyone reading your lips will be confused and thrown off the trail.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Spread The Word

Kiddies, this morning I received an email from a long-time fan who told me he was just promoted at work, and now has ten people reporting to him. I congratulated him, then offered him this tip on spreading the word: Be sure to order those under you to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game. And start each board meeting by reading aloud the latest blog post to all the stakeholders in the room.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Coffee Shop Tip

Good morning, Kiddies! Coffee shops have become so popular that people now must leave their names when giving their orders. While I understand not wanting to give the barista your real name because of safety concerns, I caution you against using the name Grandmother Winsome, because others in the coffee shop may be disappointed when they learn that I'm not really there. Instead, use one of the many aliases that the Winsome Family has discarded. For a list of some available aliases, click here.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

The ice cream business is booming. Today I was in a largely Hispanic neighborhood. I had picked up a little Spanish from my work in protecting illegal immigrant children. "Tengo miedo" means "I'm frightened." And it turns out "No" means the same in Spanish as it does in English. But I haven't yet learned the Spanish words for the various ice cream flavors, so I had each child step into the truck one at a time to point to the specific flavor he desired.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in parking enforcement, when leaving tickets on illegally parked cars, also leave a note letting the drivers know that you don't ticket cars that have "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Exciting News, Kiddies!

A new study by several professionals in the medical field shows that following Grandmother Winsome reduces anxiety levels in all patients.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a sports announcer, when calling an exceptional play on the field, say, "Wow, Grandmother Winsome must have loved that." And during player substitutions or rain delays, take the opportunity to read to your audience the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Whenever using a car service, don't give the driver the actual address of your destination. Instead, give him an address that is just around the corner from where you're going.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, it is best to use cash when making purchases if you wish to avoid records of your transactions.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Men with money do occasionally dress very casually, so give every man who flirts with you a chance, regardless of his attire.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Walk behind a blind person and read aloud the latest posts from the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, thanks to everyone who took part in the Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. I am delighted that more than two hundred of you answered the fifty questions I posed. I'm having a wonderful time sorting through the data, and some of the early results are surprising. Among the professions of Grandmother's Fanny Game fans, there are a large number of you who are psychologists. I am also delighted to find that a great number of lawyers are fans of my blog. Remember, when you repeat my legal advice to your clients, be sure to tell them where you heard it first.

Monday, July 3, 2017

A Busy Weekend

Kiddies, as you'll recall from my Spring Cleaning post of 2014, I had discarded a number of aliases that were no longer needed here at Winsome Headquarters. However, over the weekend I had an unexpected visitor from the past, which necessitated the return of Edna Rohal, RN. But now I assure you that alias is put to rest for good.

Friday, June 30, 2017

A Tip From Edward

Because the ice cream truck jingle may not be sufficient to drown out a child's screams, always carry with you some thrash metal cassettes to play over the truck's outside speakers for when the need arises.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you're going to purchase a personalized license plate, be sure to avoid ones that would be easy for witnesses to remember. The best plate to buy is a confusing combination of the numeral 1 and the letters I and L. Something like "I111L1I" is sufficiently difficult to remember, or even see for that matter.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Though you are able to purchase an engraved tombstone prior to someone's demise, do not include the date of death on it, just in case someone happens upon the stone before you're ready for it to be seen.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Spread The Word

When filling out your will, be sure to stipulate that "Dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome" must be engraved on your tombstone.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Cindy Visits Mrs. Chang

Today, when I went to the cemetery for Mrs. Chang's monthly grave cleaning, I found a lot of gum stuck to the headstone. It took me most of the afternoon to get it all scraped off, but now her stone looks as good as new. Happy birthday, Mrs. Chang!

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work at a bakery, write "Follow Grandmother Winsome" in pink on all the display cakes.

Friday, June 16, 2017

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Not all cries for help should be answered.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Even in summer, be sure to take a sweater with you if you travel by plane. It often gets cool in the aircraft cabin.

And, Kiddies, don't forget your peanuts.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, there is something to be said for hiding evidence in plain sight. So why not make a necklace out of the finger bones?

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Be nice to barbacks, for they are tomorrow's bartenders.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Edward's Business Adventures

What a great weekend. I took out the ice cream truck for its first trip of the season. It's hard to believe this will be my fourth year of serving delicious treats to deserving children. I decided to revisit some of my favorite parks from previous years, and the children there were excited to see me again. They came running as soon as I arrived. This promises to be a fun summer. And for those parents who have entrusted their illegal immigrant children to me, don't worry, this does not mean I will be neglecting the Traveling Babysitting Service. I left those kids in my associate's camper, and on days when I'm not too tired, I will check in on them after I've done my ice cream route.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If your date shows up without a gift, don't criticize him. Simply order the most expensive item on the menu.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you call a radio talk show, be sure to introduce yourself as a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Unexpected Boon

Kiddies, I was going through my Fanny Mail, and came across a delightful letter from Susan Steele of Raleigh, North Carolina. Susan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to share with you something that happened to me today, and to tell you why I am so thankful that I had purchased an 'I'm following Grandmother Winsome' bumper sticker. I had just had a little drink and was speeding through a school zone, so as not to get stuck behind one of those slow buses, when a police car pulled me over. I was certain I'd get a ticket, but the officer spotted my Grandmother Winsome bumper sticker and ended up giving me just a verbal warning. It seems there are Grandmother's Fanny Game fans everywhere!"

Thank you for sharing, Susan! I'm tickled pink that the bumper sticker proved so handy for you. And for those fans who have not yet purchased an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker, there are still some available.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you have what promises to be a lengthy trial coming up, and your lawyer thinks it doesn't look good for you, adopt a sickly child and seat it just behind you during the proceedings. It will make you seem more compassionate, and won't be much of a time commitment.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Question From Missouri

Kiddies, I am tickled pink at the number of letters that arrived while I was overseas. Today I've decided to answer a letter from Frank Moore of Joplin, Missouri. Frank writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been running an orphanage for the past seven months. When I took over the position, the orphanage had been about to close due to crowded conditions and lack of funding. I turned things around by implementing the system we used at my previous job at the dog pound. If the orphanage is full, a child has seventy-two hours to be claimed, or it is put down. At first, some of the staff found the system distasteful, so I created the Tree Program as well. Each time a child dies, we plant a tree in his or her memory. But now we're running out of room on our two-acre property. The Tree Program has become something of an important tradition here with both the staff and the children. What could I implement that would be a worthy replacement?"

Well, Frank, you could plant something smaller, like a bush. And if you run out of room for those, you could re-name some of the objects that are already there at the orphanage in memory of the children. The Katie Washing Machine, for example, or the Emily Refrigerator, or even the Little Larry Light Switch. Using objects already in your possession would also save the orphanage money. I'm sure the staff and children would enjoy re-naming all the objects they can find.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Grandmother Winsome Returns

Kiddies, I'm back! My overseas trip was delightful and rewarding. I was able to reconnect with some associates I hadn't seen in decades. I got back Thursday, and with renewed energy immediately set to work on a new experiment, one requiring plenty of materials. I employed Cindy's help in tracking down certain items, sending her to places where her small size would give her an advantage in obtaining them. During a short break in my work, while waiting for her to return, I took a look at a couple of Cindy's recent Fanny Game blog posts, and I am very pleased with her work. So I've decided to give Cindy more responsibilities here at Winsome Headquarters. And for those of you who sent in Fanny Mail while I was overseas, I will be getting to some of those letters during future breaks in this important experiment.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan Loves His New Mower

Grandmother is still overseas, and the Fanny Mail is really piling up. Grandmother didn't leave me any instructions regarding the mail, but I don't want her to have too much work waiting for her when she returns. So on my way out the door this morning, I decided to grab one of the letters. I had a chance to read it during lunch and to work on a response during recess. The letter was from Phil Dombrowski of West Mifflin, Pennsylvania, who writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my neighbor's cat had a habit of cutting through my yard, but last weekend when my new 24 horsepower riding lawn mower was delivered, I was finally able to fix the problem. In years past, the cat was able to outrun my old push mower, due mainly to my bad knee. My neighbor was completely understanding of the 'accident' and didn't put up a fuss. And so I got to thinking about my other neighbors' dog, which sometimes barks in the evening. They keep it tied up, and as a result it never enters my yard. So I was just wondering if it would seem suspicious if I offered to mow their lawn."

Well, Mr. Dombrowski, my teacher always says it's nice to help out a neighbor. And I'm sure your neighbors will understand that you want to ride on your new mower as much as possible. Do a good job, and you might find other neighbors requesting your services, and soon you'll be able to mow the entire neighborhood.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Collect feathers whenever you find them to give to the maid so she can keep her feather duster in tip-top shape.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Holding your cell phone to your ear as you walk from the parking lot to the store will help keep homeless people from approaching you. Or at least it will make it more believable that you simply didn’t hear their annoying requests for money.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Sit at the front of the school bus and between stops tell the bus driver all about the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Instead of asking someone if she has gained weight, ask her if her sweater has shrunk. You can be sure she'll get the idea, but you'll save her the embarrassment. You can even express concern that her dryer might be ruining her clothes.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Legal Advice

Always mark on your calendar when your library books are due, so that you don't risk turning them in late and getting in trouble.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

My Traveling Babysitting Service has become so popular among illegal immigrant families hoping to protect their children that not only is my van full, but my associate's camper in the woods is also full. So, out of necessity, I've had to let some of the children go. To create as much space as possible, I've released the largest ones, dropping them off at the next town with instructions to not return to their homes. I reminded them that's the first place the immigration authorities would look.

Monday, May 1, 2017

Winsome Family History: May 1, 2016

It was one year ago today that we learned Milton is allergic to strawberry ice cream.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Keep a chart of the men you're dating, with the exact amount of money they spend on each date. That way, if two men want to take you out on the same night, you'll be able to tell at a glance which one to choose.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Check the pockets of clothes that no longer fit you before donating them to the needy.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Cindy Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Doing all your homework on the playground during recess will then free up your evenings for other activities.