Thursday, October 19, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as an anesthesiologist, instead of having your patients count backward from ten, instruct them to recite their favorite of Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Fanny Mail: A New Fan In Atlanta

Kiddies, I am tickled pink to share with you an email that I received today from Samuel Dodson of Atlanta, Georgia. Samuel writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, a recent employee used to write 'Follow Grandmother Winsome!' in all of her work emails. I had to let her go, but a few days ago my curiosity got the better of me, and I looked you up online. Well, what can I say, but that now I am a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome!"

Welcome aboard, Sweetie!

Friday, October 13, 2017

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Ready For Halloween Scares

I've been refitting my ice cream truck for Halloween, and it is now ready for its role as a traveling haunted house. I've cleared out the back and put in some things guaranteed to give young children a fright. But don't worry, I will be right there with them to guide them through the experience, and it's quite all right if they grab me when they get scared. Sometimes I get scared too.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you are a psychologist trained in hypnosis, plant post-hypnotic commands in all your patients to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Fanny Mail: An Update From Tilly

Kiddies, I am delighted to have just received another email from Tilly Parker of Atlanta, Georgia. Today Tilly writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what a thrill it was to have you answer my email on your blog! I immediately sent links to my friends and family. And today I followed your advice, as I always do, and typed 'Follow Grandmother Winsome!' into the subject line of every work email I sent. Here is a photo of my most recent email."

Wonderful, Sweetie! Keep up the good work!

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Fan Spreads The Word

Kiddies, today I received a delightful email from Tilly Parker of Atlanta, Georgia. Tilly writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I love your blog, and always follow your advice. I do my best to spread the word however I can, and a few weeks ago came up with another way to do so. At the end of each work email that I send, I add 'Follow Grandmother Winsome!' I've included a photo of a recent example."

Great idea, Sweetie! Next time put it in the subject line, since many people don't always read to the end of an email.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Watch those calories, Kiddies! You never know when you might need to squeeze into - or out of - a tight space.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Fanny Mail: A Family Is Helped By Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, I received a letter from Pamela Sutton of Starkville, Mississippi. Pamela writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my son Trevor lost his eyesight several years back, but has not let that stop him from certain pursuits. Sometimes his behavior gets him into trouble with the law. However, thanks to a good Samaritan who followed my son down the street, reading aloud the legal advice from your blog, Trevor was able to avoid a lengthy prison sentence. I just wanted to thank you for keeping my boy out of prison."

Pamela, I'm delighted to help!

Monday, September 25, 2017

Spread The Word

Kiddies, rather than flying the flag of a country or a state in your yard, create a large Grandmother Winsome banner to display outside your home. Let everyone know where you true allegiance lies.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Helps An Optometrist

Kiddies, today I received a delightful email from Sarah Danvers of Rapid City, South Dakota. Sarah writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, during my travels a few months ago, a flight attendant instructed passengers to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog before takeoff. Intrigued, I followed her advice, and I am glad I did. I became a fan of your blog that day, and since then, many of your posts have come in handy, none more so than the one from September 11th. I work as an optometrist, and during a busy day, my young twins scribbled all over my current eye chart with their crayons. Ordinarily, I would have had to cancel the remaining appointments while I ordered a new chart. But that post about eye charts saved the day for me. I printed the one you created, and was able to continue with my scheduled appointments. And not only was I able to make up for that little time lost while printing out the chart and spanking my little ones, but I actually finished early that day."

Sweetie, I am so glad that I could be of help, and I am tickled pink that both optometrists and flight attendants are doing their part to spread the word!

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work for the World Meteorological Organization, consider naming the next Category 5 storm Hurricane Grandmother Winsome.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Make a map of the various trash pick-up days in the surrounding areas, so that you'll have a handy guide of where to unload evidence on any given day.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Learn to write with both hands. That way, should it come out during the trial that the crime was committed by someone who is left-handed, you can demonstrate that you are right-handed. Or vice versa.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as an optometrist, instead of using the standard eye chart of miscellaneous letters, use one which says "Follow Grandmother Winsome." I've gone ahead and created it for you to print out.

Or, if you need even more lines for your especially far-sighted patients, create your own that says "Follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice" or "Follow Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living."

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is never a good idea to wear the clothing of your victim to the courtroom during your trial.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Fanny Mail: Professor Responds To College Experiment

Kiddies, over the weekend I received a letter from Professor Rachel McKinley-Buchanan, MD, PhD, of Chicago, Illinois. Rachel writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I was surprised upon reading the letter from Professor Phillip Dubois which you addressed today, August 28, 2017. While I don't question the results of my colleague's experiment, I have to admonish him for withholding from half his students advice that he knew would be helpful to them, even for the brief period of a college term. I find such behavior unethical, and obviously it had disastrous results for a portion of those students. Also, who knows what long-term effects some of the others might suffer as a result of not being allowed to follow Grandmother Winsome? Yes, of course it is important to prove things scientifically, but it has already been well established that following Grandmother Winsome's advice is beneficial, and so Professor Dubois needlessly put young people at risk."

Rachel, thank you so much for your letter. I appreciate your zeal and your passion. While I encouraged Professor Dubois to share the results with all his future students, perhaps that's not going far enough. He should publish the results in a reputable journal, so that his experiment does not ever need to be repeated anywhere in the world. No need to put others at risk, as you so eloquently stated in your delightful letter.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Fanny Mail: Saving Cats In Texas

Today I received an email marked "Urgent" from Paula Briggs of Wharton, Texas. Paula writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I have had a boon in cats this past week, as many have floated into our neighborhood. We could have used this surplus, but our basement laboratory is going to be out of commission for a while, and the hotel where we've been staying doesn't have the necessary facilities or sufficient space for our experiments. So we were wondering if you might want the cats. It seems a shame to let them go to waste."

Thank you for your generous offer, Paula, and for contacting me during what I am sure is a hectic time for you. However, the experiment I'm working on now requires live cats. That's not to say that others working in the scientific field won't have use for them. You can check around on the science-based forums online, or let the cats float on to the next town and hope that someone there will put them to good use.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While selling evidence at a yard sale is a bad idea, as the buyer might remember your address, selling evidence at a flea market is actually a good idea. And if you set the price low enough, your buyer might turn around and sell the item again, adding yet another set of fingerprints and further improving the odds that the evidence won't lead back to you.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome's Advice Is Proved To Be Effective

Kiddies, today I received a letter from Professor Phillip Dubois of Grantham, New Hampshire. Phillip writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been following your advice since the inception of the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog in 2011, and have found it to be extremely helpful in my day-to-day existence. I was curious to prove scientifically that following your advice improves one's quality of life. I work in the psychology department of a well-respected college, and decided to conduct an experiment with the summer term's class. I divided the class into two groups. The students in the first group were instructed to go about their lives with only Grandmother Winsome as their guide, following only your advice. The students in the second group were left free to follow whatever advice they desired, apart from that offered by you on the blog. Of this second group, three were arrested and are in jail, awaiting trial. A fourth committed suicide. Others dropped out of the course. Of the group that followed your advice, there was a significantly improved quality of life, with two of them receiving inheritances. A third now has a much happier home life after organizing her mother's cats. Others got out of bad relationships and parking tickets. And none of the students from that group ran into any legal trouble. I wanted to share with you these results, as I am certain you'd be interested in my little experiment."

Phillip, thank you so much for your delightful letter. Please continue to spread the word by sharing the results of your experiment with all future students, emphasizing how well following the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog pays off. Also, if you haven't done so already, tell the students of the second group that are still living that they can now follow my advice.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Fanny Mail: A More Pleasant Experience At The Dentist's Office

Kiddies, I just received a delightful email from Tanya Platt of Lawton, Oklahoma. Tanya writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, recently I was waiting at my dentist's office again with several broken teeth and in considerable pain. Instead of the usual awful music playing in the reception area, there was a recording of the dentist reading posts from your blog. It calmed my nerves during the three hours I was waiting, and now I am proud to say that I am a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome, and I have a new set of teeth."

Welcome aboard, Sweetie! And I'm glad to hear you have a good dentist.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Jane's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

I was disappointed that the local tavern didn't have a special happy hour during the solar eclipse.

Edward's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

I was terribly disappointed with the solar eclipse. It didn't get nearly dark enough to suit my purposes.

Cindy's Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Allie's disappointed that I won't be able to watch the solar eclipse with her, but Grandmother has given me a special assignment that must be done during that time.

Another Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Kiddies, while everyone else is busy looking up at the sun, you can be busy disposing of evidence.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

A Thought On The Solar Eclipse

Kiddies, while I understand the urge to look up at the sun during the upcoming solar eclipse, think of the consequences. You could damage your eyes and no longer be able to read my delightful blog posts.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a dentist, instead of pumping bad music into the reception area, make a recording of yourself reading the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts, which you then can play on a loop for those waiting.

Monday, August 14, 2017

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

If you're stuck in traffic, Kiddies, do not despair. As long as you have an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car, that time spent in traffic is not time wasted because you'll be helping to spread the word.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Fan Photo

 The cat won't hang itself, Kiddies.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Lip Reading Course

Kiddies, today I completed my intensive course on lip reading. I encourage you all to take a similar course, for it can be beneficial to know what people are saying when they're whispering or when they believe they're outside of earshot. However, I was surprised to learn that avoiding having your own lips read was not covered by the course. So let me fill in that gap by offering a few free tips. If you're a sports fan, like I am, you are probably already aware that you can cover your mouth whenever saying anything you might not want to share with your opponents. That is the easiest way to avoid having your lips read, but use this method judiciously, as it may suggest to those watching that you're trying to hide something. Another option is to speak as a ventriloquist does, with as little movement of the mouth as possible. While that could mean taking a second course, it would be worth the investment in the long run. A third option is to have some code words with your associates. That way, anyone reading your lips will be confused and thrown off the trail.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Spread The Word

Kiddies, this morning I received an email from a long-time fan who told me he was just promoted at work, and now has ten people reporting to him. I congratulated him, then offered him this tip on spreading the word: Be sure to order those under you to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game. And start each board meeting by reading aloud the latest blog post to all the stakeholders in the room.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Coffee Shop Tip

Good morning, Kiddies! Coffee shops have become so popular that people now must leave their names when giving their orders. While I understand not wanting to give the barista your real name because of safety concerns, I caution you against using the name Grandmother Winsome, because others in the coffee shop may be disappointed when they learn that I'm not really there. Instead, use one of the many aliases that the Winsome Family has discarded. For a list of some available aliases, click here.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

The ice cream business is booming. Today I was in a largely Hispanic neighborhood. I had picked up a little Spanish from my work in protecting illegal immigrant children. "Tengo miedo" means "I'm frightened." And it turns out "No" means the same in Spanish as it does in English. But I haven't yet learned the Spanish words for the various ice cream flavors, so I had each child step into the truck one at a time to point to the specific flavor he desired.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in parking enforcement, when leaving tickets on illegally parked cars, also leave a note letting the drivers know that you don't ticket cars that have "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper stickers.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Exciting News, Kiddies!

A new study by several professionals in the medical field shows that following Grandmother Winsome reduces anxiety levels in all patients.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a sports announcer, when calling an exceptional play on the field, say, "Wow, Grandmother Winsome must have loved that." And during player substitutions or rain delays, take the opportunity to read to your audience the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Whenever using a car service, don't give the driver the actual address of your destination. Instead, give him an address that is just around the corner from where you're going.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, it is best to use cash when making purchases if you wish to avoid records of your transactions.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Men with money do occasionally dress very casually, so give every man who flirts with you a chance, regardless of his attire.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Walk behind a blind person and read aloud the latest posts from the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll

Kiddies, thanks to everyone who took part in the Grandmother's Fanny Game Fan Poll. I am delighted that more than two hundred of you answered the fifty questions I posed. I'm having a wonderful time sorting through the data, and some of the early results are surprising. Among the professions of Grandmother's Fanny Game fans, there are a large number of you who are psychologists. I am also delighted to find that a great number of lawyers are fans of my blog. Remember, when you repeat my legal advice to your clients, be sure to tell them where you heard it first.

Monday, July 3, 2017

A Busy Weekend

Kiddies, as you'll recall from my Spring Cleaning post of 2014, I had discarded a number of aliases that were no longer needed here at Winsome Headquarters. However, over the weekend I had an unexpected visitor from the past, which necessitated the return of Edna Rohal, RN. But now I assure you that alias is put to rest for good.

Friday, June 30, 2017

A Tip From Edward

Because the ice cream truck jingle may not be sufficient to drown out a child's screams, always carry with you some thrash metal cassettes to play over the truck's outside speakers for when the need arises.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you're going to purchase a personalized license plate, be sure to avoid ones that would be easy for witnesses to remember. The best plate to buy is a confusing combination of the numeral 1 and the letters I and L. Something like "I111L1I" is sufficiently difficult to remember, or even see for that matter.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Though you are able to purchase an engraved tombstone prior to someone's demise, do not include the date of death on it, just in case someone happens upon the stone before you're ready for it to be seen.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Spread The Word

When filling out your will, be sure to stipulate that "Dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome" must be engraved on your tombstone.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Cindy Visits Mrs. Chang

Today, when I went to the cemetery for Mrs. Chang's monthly grave cleaning, I found a lot of gum stuck to the headstone. It took me most of the afternoon to get it all scraped off, but now her stone looks as good as new. Happy birthday, Mrs. Chang!

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work at a bakery, write "Follow Grandmother Winsome" in pink on all the display cakes.