Sunday, December 31, 2017
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Friday, December 29, 2017
Kiddies, the cold winter months often bring about dry skin. But be sure not to use too much moisturizing lotion on your hands. You don't want the axe to slip out of your grip at a crucial moment.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Monday, December 25, 2017
Friday, December 22, 2017
Week 3: Looking To The Future
Topics to be covered include:
- Moving in with a man in order to stay off the streets
- Keeping your options open by terminating unwanted pregnancies
- Getting money by befriending rich, elderly people
- Maintaining a youthful outlook through plastic surgery
- Installing a cold storage vault in your home to protect your furs
- Avoiding future troubles by choosing a fresh start at a new location where no one knows you
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
My course for at-risk women is going strong, and last night I held an impromptu supplemental class on dating, specifically on the benefits of dating a blind guy. This class took place at Corner Bowl, my favorite bowling alley. I don't recall all the advice I gave, but here are some key points to keep in mind.
- When ordering at a restaurant, instead of saying the name of the most expensive item on the menu, just point to it and tell your server, "I'll have this tonight." And then – no matter what it is you've actually ordered – you can say to your date at some point, "Wow, they make a really good salad here." And while ordinarily you don't want to eat more than the man, with a blind guy, it doesn't matter how much you eat. Go ahead and finish your plate, and he'll be none the wiser.
- To show him you're popular, create an exciting life for yourself, complete with photographic evidence. Simply say stuff like, "This is me with my three best friends visiting Paris." Be sure to research a few things about Paris in the off chance that he managed to get there himself.
- Deliberately step in front of your date, so that when he hits you with his cane you can yelp out in pain. That will cause him to want to make up for his clumsy action by purchasing a nice gift for you.
- With a blind guy, you don't have to worry about makeup. But if you're going out, keep in mind that there might be some attractive sighted men dining at that very restaurant, so it's best to still put in the effort. And if there is someone who catches your eye, you can always excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and instead go flirt with him.
Remember, the next official class in my course will take place this Saturday at a bar to be determined. I hope to see all you at-risk women there.
Monday, December 18, 2017
To keep from having to terminate key personnel in your workplace, instruct your employees to avoid topics of a sexual nature while at work, and instead discuss the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog posts. This will keep you out of legal tangles while also improving staff morale.
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 9:05 AM
Friday, December 15, 2017
Week 2: Jane's Guide To Dating In The Modern Age
Topics to be covered include:
- Ways to attract a man's attention
- Overlooking a rich man's bad qualities
- Having fun with a poor man on weekdays
- Ways that alcohol improves a date
- Getting the best gifts from your dates
- Reasons to stay in an abusive relationship
- Demanding more from unattractive men
- Turning a one-night stand into a longer relationship
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Kiddies, I love receiving updates from my biggest fans. Tilly Parker, of Atlanta, writes: "Grandmother Winsome, I did it! I got a new job, and it's actually a step up from my previous job. And I owe it all to the advice I received on Grandmother's Fanny Game. Sherry Boylan, the department manager, told me during the interview that she took one glance at my resume and saw what she needed to see. It turns out she's almost as big a fan of Grandmother's Fanny Game as I am, and she too has had the privilege of being mentioned on your blog."
Well done, Sweetie! I am delighted to hear that your job hunt ended in success, and that my advice played such a vital role. I wish you all the best at your new job.
Monday, December 11, 2017
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Friday, December 8, 2017
Week 1: Building Confidence By Using Makeup And Clothing To Enhance Your Best Features And Hide The Rest
Topics to be covered include:
- Using ample makeup to appear younger
- Choosing the right attention-grabbing shade of red for your lips
- How to hide a bruise with makeup
- Negotiating with manicurists
- Why tweezers are your friends
- Stylish sunglasses cover up the effects of a rough night
- The perils of open-toe shoes
- Loose-fitting sweaters help hide extra pounds and are in style right now
- Fur coats show that you have class, and will also keep you warm when you have to walk home alone late at night
This week's course will be held at Mack's Bar & Grill, Saturday, December 9, 2017, from 8 p.m. to closing. I hope to see all you at-risk women there.
Monday, December 4, 2017
Kiddies, I am delighted to share with you a new email that I received from Tilly Parker of Atlanta, Georgia. Tilly writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted you to know that I am still spreading the word about your wonderful blog. Since I last wrote to you, I've been back on the job market, and am optimistic because I've included 'Dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome!' in the activities and interests section of my resume. I know that any day now I will get called for an interview."
Glad to hear you're still spreading the word, Tilly. To be sure that prospective employers see the "Dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome!" line, highlight it in yellow. I bet you'll be gainfully employed in no time.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
For the holiday season, I've decided to do my part for the community and go back to my social work. The women's center was not as welcoming as I would have expected, so I will be running my own group, holding meetings at various bars in the area every Saturday night from now until Christmas. Of all the girls I used to help at the women's center, only two still attend, so I know my methods are successful. I caught those final two women before they went inside the center last night, and told them about my plan. Though wary at first, the two women soon took to my ideas and by their third drink promised me they would not only attend my meetings and avoid the women's center, but would recruit other women in need to join us. The topics to be covered at each meeting will be posted here on Grandmother's Fanny Game, so stay tuned!
It was thirty-eight years ago that Brock Winsome created his own Witness Protection Program to compete against the monopoly held by the U.S. government. This short-lived business venture resulted in the disappearances of several key witnesses.
Kiddies, there was something familiar about Cindy's latest art project, so I took another look at it. After a moment, I realized what it was – her project contained the collar I'd been looking for to collect a reward on a missing cat. I just slipped that collar on a similar-looking cat and made myself an easy hundred dollars. And I think Cindy's art project still looks wonderful!
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 9:41 AM
Saturday, December 2, 2017
It seems that immigration officials found my stash of Mexican children. When I got back to my associate's camper in the woods to check on them, the door was open and the children were gone. This came as a surprise, since I kept those kids so well hidden I didn't think they'd ever be found. But it is good news for other kids, as I will be able to focus on the traveling massage parlor, which will be back on the road next week.
Friday, December 1, 2017
Kiddies, I am thrilled to share with you a delightful photo that was just sent to me by Ron. About this photo, Ron writes, "Spotted at the park bathroom tonight after the optometrists convention here in Des Moines."
I am tickled pink at how so many of you are coming up with fun and inventive ways to spread the word! Keep it up, Kiddies!
Thursday, November 30, 2017
If you notice that there is a reward out for one of the cats you've obtained for your experiment, it might be worth parting with that test subject, depending on how substantial the reward is. If you've already used the cat in the experiment, simply slip its collar around the neck of a similar-looking cat and collect that reward.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Monday, November 27, 2017
Now that many optometrists are using my specialized eye chart, more people are passing their vision test than ever before. Keep up the good work, Kiddies!
I hear that the chart is even being used at certain branches of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Linda Jones, who works at the Des Moines DMV, asked if the chart was available in pink. Here you go, Sweetie!
Posted by Grandmother's Fanny Game at 9:15 AM
Saturday, November 25, 2017
One way to handle people who are continually bothersome is to tell them you've included them in your will. Not only will they be nicer, but they may even be willing to do you favors. And by the time they discover the truth, you'll be long gone.
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Monday, November 20, 2017
Kiddies, the holidays certainly can be stressful, leading many people to seek some form of escape. Today I received a letter detailing one way a fan plans to evade the holidays altogether. Lefty Young of Ogden, Utah, writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've decided to take measures to ensure I will avoid the holidays this year. I'm going to commit a small crime that carries a one-month sentence, and do it in such a way that I will undoubtedly be caught. If I'm in jail, my family can't expect me to visit them, right? Feel free to share this plan with your readers. If all goes well, it will be the only gift I'll be giving people this year."
What an inventive idea, Sweetie! Good luck!
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Thursday, November 2, 2017
When selecting a home for an elderly relative, be sure to choose one that's both far from you and far from any airports. Make it as difficult as possible for him or her to pay you a visit. And if your loved one asks you to visit him or her, explain that after paying the nursing home bills, there is simply no money left over for you to travel.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Monday, October 30, 2017
If an elderly relative has bad breath, simply replace his or her medication with breath mints. The person's health may decline, but he or she will be more pleasant to be around during whatever days remain.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Kiddies, in honor of National Cat Day, I've decided to grant one of my test subjects its freedom. That's right, Cat 005149 will be back out in the world, though now without its front left leg, its whiskers and its eyesight. Good luck, Cat 005149! Happy National Cat Day!
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Monday, October 16, 2017
Kiddies, I am tickled pink to share with you an email that I received today from Samuel Dodson of Atlanta, Georgia. Samuel writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, a recent employee used to write 'Follow Grandmother Winsome!' in all of her work emails. I had to let her go, but a few days ago my curiosity got the better of me, and I looked you up online. Well, what can I say, but that now I am a dedicated follower of Grandmother Winsome!"
Welcome aboard, Sweetie!
Friday, October 13, 2017
I've been refitting my ice cream truck for Halloween, and it is now ready for its role as a traveling haunted house. I've cleared out the back and put in some things guaranteed to give young children a fright. But don't worry, I will be right there with them to guide them through the experience, and it's quite all right if they grab me when they get scared. Sometimes I get scared too.