Saturday, February 28, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If birds wake you early in the morning with their obnoxious chirping, simply tie a cat to a branch high up in that tree. The birds will want to avoid the cat and will land in a neighbor's tree instead, allowing you to sleep as late as you wish.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Edward's "For Your Information"

When choosing a traveling companion, it's best to pick someone with your own hair color and skin complexion. That way, it's easier to convince the authorities that he's your son.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your child's birthday falls within these cold winter months, consider throwing a skating party. Skating over a frozen pond can be a lot of fun. Just keep in mind that fat children are more likely to fall through the ice and ruin your child's skating party, so be sure to specify a weight limit when sending out the invitations.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

Yesterday Allie and I got started on our magnificent tree house, and we were super busy all weekend working on it. It was more difficult than we'd expected, and Allie got a little frustrated that I was having trouble holding the nails steady while she hit them with the hammer. But we did get part of the tree house built, and we put out the welcome mat.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

Last week Allie and I brought the bulletin board out to our special tree in the forest, where we plan to build an amazing tree house. Allie suggested a week-long competition to gather the materials we needed, and today after school we met at the tree to reveal our treasures. Allie had a little more luck than I did, but we both found lots of wonderful stuff that will come in handy.

Here is what Allie found:
  • a welcome mat
  • a window frame without the glass
  • some bricks for a fireplace
  • a tire which we'll use for a tire swing
  • some rope
  • several planks of white wood
  • a coffee can full of nails 
  • a hammer
  • electrical wire, so we can have lights and a television
  • a television antenna

Here is what I found:
  • a beaded curtain 
  • two pillows
  • cat pelts to use as a blanket
  • a piece of carpet
  • a dreamcatcher
  • a folding chair
  • a bird feeder

Everything is in a neat pile at the base of the tree, and tomorrow we begin building!

Monday, February 16, 2015

Grandmother Wins Again

Kiddies, I'm so pleased to tell you that my special gambling system continues to work well.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Cindy's Best Friend

Allie and I got the bulletin board out to our special tree, and now we're both even more excited to start building our tree house. Allie suggested we hold a contest to see which of us can find the larger amount of material for our tree house this coming week, so that next weekend we can start putting it together.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

A good way to confuse the police is to remove evidence from your crime scene and place it at the scene of someone else's crime.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Cindy's Best Friend

Today Allie and I went to the back of the school again during recess to look for the injured squirrel. He must be all better, because we didn't see him. What we did find was the old bulletin board from Mrs. Henderson's classroom. We both thought it would be the perfect piece for starting our tree house, so tomorrow we're going to return after school to claim it and take it out into the forest.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Cindy's Best Friend

During recess today, Allie and I sneaked around to the back of the school, and she showed me an injured squirrel she caught. She dared me to touch it, but the bell rang.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When purchasing a new saw, be sure to ask the salesperson if it can cut through bone.

Fanny Mail: Starting A Business

Kiddies, this weekend I received a letter from William Bradford of Eugene, Oregon. William writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I recently acquired an older, single-story building that is not wheelchair accessible, and I don’t wish to spend the money to make it so. My question is, what type of business would the wheelchair-bound not wish to visit, because, honestly, in addition to avoiding the extra costs, I'd prefer to keep the place upbeat. Perhaps a running shoe store?"

William, I would suggest against a shoe store.Wheelchair-bound people do actually purchase shoes. And their lawyers might threaten you with legal action if you do not install a wheelchair ramp. Of course, it wouldn’t be worth the cost of installing one, because you would get no repeat business from wheelchair-bound people, as they never wear out a pair of shoes. Instead, try selling trampolines. 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Edward's "For Your Information"

Setting up a basketball hoop in your yard is a surefire way to attract the neighborhood children.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Whenever attempting to pass off the murder of a family member as an accident, keep in mind that the authorities can determine the time of death fairly accurately. So if you wait to make that 911 call until after you’ve cleaned away certain evidence, they will wonder about that time lapse and look more closely into your story. So simply commit the murder during rush hour. That way, you can call the paramedics right at the time of death. The extra minutes it will take them to arrive will give you the time you need to clean up the scene, and your story will check out. 

Kiddies, here is a bonus tip: While talking with the 911 operator, be sure to turn away from the phone briefly and shout, "Hang in there, honey, they're on their way!" These calls are recorded, and having that line on tape will add more credibility to your story, should the case come to trial.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you feel you're unable to say no outright to a family member's request to babysit her child, one simple trip to the emergency room should eliminate future requests.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

What a fun weekend! I'm sad that Allie had to go home, but I'll see her tomorrow morning at school. During recess we plan to continue working on our tree house designs.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie was curious about the basement, and kept asking to see Grandmother's ongoing experiments. Normally I would ask permission before going down there, but Grandmother was busy watching football, and Allie said it would be okay. We had a lot of fun, and Allie said she had never seen so many cats.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie and I decided to have a tea party in the attic. There wasn't a table, so we used the long wooden box that Grandmother keeps up there.