Friday, March 31, 2017

Cesar Chavez Day

Happy Cesar Chavez Day, Kiddies! To celebrate the day, I let the Mexican maid out in the back yard for a supervised walk. I told Cindy to keep it brief, for the immigration authorities are out in great numbers today.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When assigned a lawyer, the first thing you should tell him or her is that you already follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice. That way, he or she will know you are a savvy defendant who will be easily proved innocent.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Tip From Edward

When filming people at night from the trees surrounding their property, be sure to cover the red light on your camera with a piece of black electrical tape.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

A March Madness Tip

Kiddies, I hope your bets on the college basketball games are paying off as handsomely as mine are! Here is a tip to help you enjoy the games even more. Take advantage of the numerous commercial breaks to revisit your favorite episodes of "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." That way, even if the teams you picked don't do as well as you'd expected, it won't be time wasted.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Building a house can be expensive, but there are ways to save money. For example, it's easy to strike a deal with the subcontractors in charge of the foundation. Simply tell them for each body they're allowed to dump in, they have to subtract another hundred dollars from the bill.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

The Traveling Babysitting Service is doing more business than ever. Several illegal immigrants have entrusted their children to me for the long term, until these deportation raids cease. The parents believe their children are safer if they're constantly on the move, so I promised to keep the kids away from their homes as long as necessary.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is difficult to get a murder conviction without a body, so keep that corpse in a secure location until after the trial.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

An occasional kind word to a neighbor might be enough to keep him or her from later reporting your suspicious activities to the authorities.

Monday, March 6, 2017

A Message From Cindy

I like the Mexican maid, and I don't think she's dangerous. But Allie insists that she must have done something unspeakable in order to be locked up in Grandmother's basement every night. Today on the way to school, Allie handed me a knife and told me to keep it with me at all times, just in case.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Mexican Maid Update

Kiddies, during the latest roundup of illegal immigrants, two of my neighbors had their maids carted away. But don't you worry, they did not get my Mexican maid. Every night she is safely locked away in that special room in my basement, where she is protected from the prying eyes of law enforcement. The other good news is that my Mexican maid's productivity is at an all-time high. As you'll recall from the "Mexican Maid" episode of my delightful program, one way to improve your maid's work ethic is to constantly threaten her with deportation. Well, these days, that threat carries more weight than ever before. I find my Mexican maid offering to do even more than her allotted daily chores. What a wonderful time to be alive!