Hi, Kiddies! Last week I received a letter from Yolanda Perez of Queens, New York. Yolanda writes: “Dear Grandmother Winsome, my daughter Miranda is a talented but struggling actress in her early thirties. She often goes out on auditions, mainly for Hispanic roles, but is almost never cast because she doesn’t have an Hispanic accent. I want to help her out however I can, and in my research discovered an unusual medical condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people suddenly begin speaking with a foreign accent after severe head trauma. So I clonked Miranda on the side of the head. The problem is that when she came out of her coma she began speaking with a thick German accent. This, sadly, is actually causing her even more difficulty in getting cast. What should I do? Perhaps I didn’t hit her hard enough? Or I hit her in the wrong spot? What can I do to get her career on track?"
Well, Yolanda, this is indeed a rare medical condition. I hadn’t heard of it until you brought it to my attention. Not a lot of research has been done, so I suggest hitting your daughter in different spots until you discover the location that produces the Hispanic accent. Be sure to keep detailed notes so others can reproduce the effect. Thank you for bringing this condition to my attention. I am fascinated by it, and will soon be conducting a series of experiments of my own. I spent the weekend gathering a large number of cats, and am excited to learn if I can cause them to bark like dogs.
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