Monday, August 24, 2015

Fanny Mail: A Question From A Growing Family

Kiddies, late last week I received a letter from Denise Danley of Claysville, Pennsylvania. Denise writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what are the best ways to stunt a child's growth? My husband and I keep experiencing the miracle of birth, and we just don't have a lot of space anymore. We think we might be able to fit a couple more cribs in the children's room, but certainly not any full-sized beds."

Well, Denise, a couple of years ago I conducted an experiment on kittens with the aim of preventing them from becoming cats. Before abandoning that experiment, I had some success by depriving them of natural sunlight. So I suggest painting the children's room black and bricking up any windows to that room. Be sure to limit their food intake, and prevent unnecessary movement and exercise. You might also try sleep deprivation and keeping them in tight clothing to discourage any growth.

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