Results From Experiment 8377 (The Remote Control Experiment)

Kiddies, you might recall that back in July another cat experiment enthusiast attempted to access the data to my current experiment. In that blog entry, I promised that I would share the results as soon as the experiment was completed. Well, good new, Kiddies! I have just completed it. It took longer than usual, for this one required a full gross of cats, forcing me to rearrange some things in the basement to clear enough space for one hundred forty-four cat boxes. But the extra effort was well worth it.

As you are most likely aware, we already have tracking chips that can be inserted in animals so that we'll know where they are at all times. While this can prove useful in collecting data, I thought we could go further, and actually control the animals' movements. The idea was rather than simply knowing where the cats go, we tell them where to go. So I went to the local toy store and purchased several remote control cars, and began taking them apart to insert the pieces into cats.

One objective of the experiment was to maintain the natural look and abilities of the cats. So, for example, I discarded the cars' wheels rather than attach them to the cats' paws. Also, I didn't include headlights or a horn. And I didn't want the antennas to be noticeable, so I inserted them into the cats' tails.

While none of the cats moved any great distances, seventeen of the animals (11.8% of the sample size) twitched when I pressed the "Forward" button on the control panel. I found when I switched the cats into four-wheel drive, I got the best results - that is, the most twitching. Cat 098 twitched for nearly thirty-eight seconds while in four-wheel drive. This is quite promising, and an indication of the experiment's potential. Certainly, this experiment merits further investigation and more trials, for when it is perfected, the cats can be used for all sorts of things. They could remove or bury evidence, distract guard dogs to allow you easy access to a property, or perform reconnaissance work (with the simple addition of cameras built into their eyes). You could also cause a black cat to cross the path of anyone for whom you wish bad luck. Cat storage might be a problem of the past, because when this is perfected, you'll simply be able to turn your cats off when they're not needed.