Sunday, May 8, 2016

Grandmother Winsome: Classifieds

Kiddies, I am delighted to be receiving responses to my online classified ad offering legal advice. If you haven't seen the ad, this is how it reads: "Kiddies, we all get into legal tangles from time to time and need someone's advice on how to get out of them. You can always turn to me. I've advised many people on disposing of evidence, cleaning up crime scenes, avoiding leaving fingerprints, and courtroom demeanor. Contact Grandmother Winsome for help with your legal troubles."

Recently I received a response from Shelia Wallace, who wrote, "Can you help with the filing of a retrial, in a murder case?" I responded to her, telling her I'd be happy to help so long as the person she killed wasn't a fan of mine. I offered her some excellent advice on witness tampering and dealing with the jury. And now she has written to me again. This time Shelia writes: "Thank you for your response. I didn't kill anyone, my son has been found guilty of murder and attempted murder. He hasn't been sentenced yet. What's the next step? What is your fee? He has a public defender."

Well, Shelia, I am tickled pink that you would like to hire me. But I have done rather well on the horses lately, so a fee will not be necessary. As for your next step, talk with the person that your son attempted to kill, and convince him or her to argue on behalf of your son for leniency in the sentencing. Such a victim impact statement will certainly have a strong influence on both the jury and the judge. Take that person and his or her family out to dinner and show them what a nice person you are. Mention how hard it was on you having your son locked up on Mother's Day. Also, organize a peaceful rally outside the court on your son's behalf. Public opinion can have an influence on courtroom proceedings. Just be sure not to block traffic.

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