As you know, Kiddies, I enjoy supplementing my income with a little gambling now and again. Yesterday morning a fan asked me for my inside scoop on a car race. Though I can't bring myself to watch something so dull and repetitive, my fan's question got me to thinking about what it would take to make car racing interesting. I submit this plan to the car-racing officials.
- Instead of an oval configuration, make the track a figure eight, with a four-way stop in the middle.
- Flat courses are too easy, so add some hills, potholes and even a cliff at one side of the track.
- Hold the races at night, so that the drivers' visibility will be challenged.
- Don't allow pit stops; the drivers have to continue without any help.
- As in football, rain or snow should not delay or stop a race. Play through!
- Toss a dozen or so cats onto the course to work as moving obstacles.
- Put a couple of crosswalks on the track, and hire some homeless people to act as pedestrians.
- Build a school for the blind in the grassy area of the course.
- At least two of the cars in any given race must be driven by elderly Asian women.
- Put a post office at one end of the track, and once each race, every driver must stop and wait in line to mail a package. Hire four or five post office employees, but keep only one window open.
- At the other end of the track, build a bar, and instruct each driver to have six drinks over the course of the race.
- Construction crews should constantly alter the course, narrowing it at some points to just one lane. Avoid those orange cones, Kiddies!
- Each car should have only one sponsor, and the driver must carry some of that product in the car and use it at least once during the race.
Let me know when you've implemented these improvements, and I will begin watching and betting.