Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Always secure the ladder when your maid is painting the second story of your house. Because if she falls, it might make it difficult for her to complete her other tasks. Use sandbags, or, if none are available, tie a couple of fat neighborhood children to the base of the ladder. Safety first, Kiddies!

Here is a bonus tip: If you choose to have your maid perform her painting duties during daylight hours, when she would be in plain view to the immigration authorities, simply have her wear a Halloween costume that covers her entire body. A gorilla costume is a perfect choice.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you attend an execution, lament to those others present, "If only he had followed Grandmother Winsome's legal advice."

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if your maid is dangling from your window and calling for help, don't reach for your camera to record the event. Instead, quickly renegotiate her contract in your favor and then pull her to safety.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a dietician, tell your clients that instead of snacking between meals they should read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Spread The Word

If you work at a bank, tell your clients that followers of Grandmother Winsome are more likely to receive approval for large loans.

Grandmother Winsome's Thoughts On Figure Skating

Kiddies, I became impatient while waiting for the basketball games to start, so I switched the channel to see what else was on, and I came upon a figure skating competition. Apparently, figure skating is a big deal in Finland. I normally avoid watching any type of sporting event that I don't bet on, but my attention was caught because one of the skaters was wearing an outfit dominated by Grandmother Winsome Pink. And then it occurred to me how to make figure skating interesting. Just have all the contestants take the ice at the same time. With those numerous sharp blades twirling in the air, something exciting is bound to happen. I expect to see this change implemented before next year.

April Fools' Day

I was sad to learn that Mexicans don't celebrate April Fools' Day. It was Allie's idea to tell the Mexican maid that the immigration authorities were at the door, but I was the one who actually played the prank on her. She started crying hysterically, and even after I yelled "April Fools," it took her several moments to calm down.

Cesar Chavez Day

Happy Cesar Chavez Day, Kiddies! To celebrate the day, I let the Mexican maid out in the back yard for a supervised walk. I told Cindy to keep it brief, for the immigration authorities are out in great numbers today.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

When assigned a lawyer, the first thing you should tell him or her is that you already follow Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice. That way, he or she will know you are a savvy defendant who will be easily proved innocent.

A Tip From Edward

When filming people at night from the trees surrounding their property, be sure to cover the red light on your camera with a piece of black electrical tape.

A March Madness Tip

Kiddies, I hope your bets on the college basketball games are paying off as handsomely as mine are! Here is a tip to help you enjoy the games even more. Take advantage of the numerous commercial breaks to revisit your favorite episodes of "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute." That way, even if the teams you picked don't do as well as you'd expected, it won't be time wasted.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Building a house can be expensive, but there are ways to save money. For example, it's easy to strike a deal with the subcontractors in charge of the foundation. Simply tell them for each body they're allowed to dump in, they have to subtract another hundred dollars from the bill.

Edward's Traveling Babysitting Service

The Traveling Babysitting Service is doing more business than ever. Several illegal immigrants have entrusted their children to me for the long term, until these deportation raids cease. The parents believe their children are safer if they're constantly on the move, so I promised to keep the kids away from their homes as long as necessary.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

It is difficult to get a murder conviction without a body, so keep that corpse in a secure location until after the trial.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

An occasional kind word to a neighbor might be enough to keep him or her from later reporting your suspicious activities to the authorities.

A Message From Cindy

I like the Mexican maid, and I don't think she's dangerous. But Allie insists that she must have done something unspeakable in order to be locked up in Grandmother's basement every night. Today on the way to school, Allie handed me a knife and told me to keep it with me at all times, just in case.

Mexican Maid Update

Kiddies, during the latest roundup of illegal immigrants, two of my neighbors had their maids carted away. But don't you worry, they did not get my Mexican maid. Every night she is safely locked away in that special room in my basement, where she is protected from the prying eyes of law enforcement. The other good news is that my Mexican maid's productivity is at an all-time high. As you'll recall from the "Mexican Maid" episode of my delightful program, one way to improve your maid's work ethic is to constantly threaten her with deportation. Well, these days, that threat carries more weight than ever before. I find my Mexican maid offering to do even more than her allotted daily chores. What a wonderful time to be alive!

Cindy's Special Assignment

I am always excited to help Grandmother, and now she's given me a special new assignment to perform each morning before I go to school. In the basement, there is a secret room that I didn't even know existed, and every morning I unlock its door to let the Mexican maid out. I am pleased that Grandmother has entrusted me with this task, although Allie says the Mexican maid must have done something terrible for Grandmother to lock her up like that every night, and she has warned me to be careful.

Keeping My Mexican Maid!

To keep my Mexican maid safe from deportation, I lock her in the basement of Winsome Headquarters every night after she finishes her duties. They will not find her there. From what I've heard, her many children have already been deported, but I am keeping that information from her, because I think it might cause a drop in her productivity.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you are looking for a way out of a marriage, one trick is to start flirting with violent, unstable men, and simply tell them, "Oh, if only I were single, you would be exactly the kind of guy I could fall for." Remember, you won't have to actually follow through if one of them does do away with your husband, because he will be in jail for a long time.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

I've heard that men don't appreciate women who appear to be self-centered. So when on a first date, pay enough attention to the man's stories that you can ask one or two follow-up questions. Keeping him talking about himself will keep him interested in you. And if he believes you to be considerate, even altruistic, then later when you mention a few items that you might like to someday own, he will be more likely to purchase them for you immediately, thinking that it is a rare thing for you to want something for yourself.

Keeping My Mexican Maid!

While deportations might seem like a good idea to help clear our clogged highways, nobody had better try to take away my undocumented Mexican maid. You'll remember that she is locked into a contract with me for another five years. And a U.S. citizen would likely demand even more than the $2.10 an hour she and I settled on after our lengthy negotiations.

Immigration Restrictions, And What They Mean For You

Kiddies, though the world might be in turmoil, that shouldn't stop you from going about your daily business. In fact, now you are provided with a great new way to get rid of any resulting evidence. Hire illegal immigrants to take the evidence back to their respective countries. Once they're there, you're completely in the clear, because those people won't be allowed back in, should they have a change of heart and wish to implicate you. Use the new immigration restrictions to your advantage.

Fanny Mail: End Of The Year Promotion

Kiddies, today I received an email from Walter Douglas of Lubec, Maine. Walter writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I run a funeral business, and I've started a new promotion. You know how the first baby born in the new year receives free diapers and so on? Well, in my promotion, the last person who dies locally this year gets free flowers at his or her funeral. Of course, the person has to have died by natural causes. No cheating by committing suicide. Please share this promotion with your many fans in Maine."

Delighted to help, Sweetie! I hope your business flourishes in the coming year. Happy New Year!

Grandmother Winsome's Christmas Message

Kiddies, I know this year has been trying, and the holidays are always a stressful time. But don't give up hope. Suicide is not the answer. The new year will bring many more Grandmother Winsome posts that you won't want to miss.

Fanny Mail: A Christmas Wish

Kiddies, today I received an email from Larry Hickey of Panama City Beach, Florida. Larry writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, for the Christmas season, I made a generous gift to a children's charity. But my child has yet to visit and thank me. It doesn't seem very Christmas-like for the child to get his wish while mine goes unfulfilled. I realize the child has to make the rounds, and I am willing to wait until New Year's Eve. After that, I feel I should get my money back. If I'm not going to get my Christmas wish, I'd just as soon put that fifty bucks toward repairs to my truck."

Well, Larry, if you feel you haven't received what you paid for, you can contact the Better Business Bureau. Or, to save you the time and hassle, just call your credit card company and tell them that an unauthorized charge was made on your card. They get so many calls during the holiday season that they'll probably reverse the charge without an investigation.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Though it is an exhausting commitment caring for a family member with Alzheimer's, there is the benefit of being able to save money on Christmas presents. Simply tell your loved one that Christmas was yesterday.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

A white elephant gift exchange at your office may seem like the perfect opportunity to dispose of evidence, but be careful. Crafty co-workers could, through a lengthy process of elimination, discover who gave the incriminating evidence. So be sure to wrap a second gift that you can claim as your own.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

If you're no longer able to keep your job as a department store Santa, set up a similar operation in your home. Decorate the front of your house and put out a sign indicating that it's Santa's other workshop. Since you'll now be your own boss in your own location, you can keep your favorite children on your lap as long as you'd like.

Luck At Mrs. Chang's Grave

Today, during my monthly cleaning of Mrs. Chang's grave, I found a penny. Allie says it's bad luck because it was tails side up, but Grandmother once told me that any money found is lucky.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Department store Santas are not expected to tip the children who sit on their laps.

Spread The Word

If your office has a Secret Santa party, wrap up a Grandmother Winsome bumper sticker for the person you draw.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Animals you hit with your car make delightful gifts for children interested in science.

Spread The Word: Thanksgiving Edition

If you attend one of those Thanksgiving dinners where each person has to say what he or she is thankful for, be sure to tell those present you are thankful for Grandmother Winsome's advice.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, Kiddies, leaving the country doesn't mean you're leaving Grandmother Winsome behind. For those moving to Canada or elsewhere, I am still a simple email or letter away.

Spread The Word

Kiddies, when you're marching in a protest, carry a second sign that reads, "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog." And be sure to get close to the cameras!

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

In these troubled times, it's more important than ever to turn to Grandmother Winsome for advice. I am here for you, Kiddies!

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Write "Grandmother Winsome" on the wait list for a table at the busiest restaurant in your town. Then, when the hostess calls out "Grandmother Winsome," be sure to comment loudly, "Oh, this must be a good place if Grandmother Winsome dines here."

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When purchasing a baby monitor, be sure to ask the sales clerk about its range. Some models won't reach even three or four blocks down the road, so unless your neighborhood bar is right next door, you'll have trouble hearing if something goes wrong.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I am delighted with all the birthday messages I've been receiving today. I am especially pleased with those people who indicated which method they chose to help spread the word, as per my birthday wish. Margaret Avery of Chattanooga, Tennessee had Cindy's picture tattooed on her arm, while Thomas Brackett of Trenton, New Jersey read a dying man the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post as well as the last rites. Thanks, Kiddies!

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips

People expect to see weird and frightening stuff on Halloween. So use this time to clean out your basement.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Request

Kiddies, thanks to your generosity I have plenty of fur coats, and I have enough cats for the next several experiments. So for my birthday this year all I ask is that you help spread the word!

Here are some favorite ways to do just that:

• Put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car or on the wall of your cubicle at work.
• Write to your mayor and demand that Grandmother Winsome receive a key to your city. 
• Choose a busy public place, and act out your favorite scenes from "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."
• Hire a skywriting team to spell out "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog" over a football stadium this weekend.
• Have a picture of your favorite Winsome Family member tattooed on your arm. If you're afraid of needles, have it tattooed on your child's arm. 
• In your counseling sessions, during the word association game, always answer, "Grandmother Winsome."
• If you work as a shrink, tell all your patients that the only path to sanity is by following Grandmother Winsome.
• If you work in a Chinese restaurant, make sure all the fortune cookies read, "Grandmother Winsome has the answers." 
• If you work as a psychic, tell your customers that their deceased loved ones are urging them to follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. 
• If you work as a ventriloquist, kindly ask your dummy to tell his audience about Grandmother’s Fanny Game. 
• If you work in a computer store, be sure to have all of your display models set to the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog page. 
• When working for a suicide prevention hotline, just remind those prospective suicides that if they kill themselves, they'll miss the next Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update. 
• If you are into graffiti, mention Grandmother Winsome in your tags. But be truthful. If it's a crummy place, be sure to write, "Grandmother Winsome was not here." 
• When reading someone his last rites, also read him the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog entry.
• When defusing a bomb in a public place, take a moment to pretend you're unsure how to proceed and shout, "Somebody contact Grandmother Winsome!" 
• When planting evidence in an unsuspecting neighbor's house, be sure to also bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog page on his computer. 
• Tell the parole board that you’ve now found Grandmother Winsome and so the State has no further worries.

Building Upon Successful Legal Advice

Kiddies, the response to my legal advice about disposing of evidence in bags of dirty diapers has been tremendous. If your neighbors don't throw diaper parties, like Tammy Pederson's do, you can follow the solution offered by Marlene Bannister, who is planning on adopting a baby or two to produce the necessary diapers. A message I received today from longtime fan Mr. Matthews asking that Cindy be sent over with an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker got me to thinking of another source of dirty diapers. So I've sent Cindy back to the Birch Street Nursing Home with a bumper sticker and an empty trash bag, with instructions to collect as many dirty diapers as possible.

Fanny Mail: Another Couple Helped By Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, I love when one of my blog posts strikes a chord with fans. Today I received an email from Marlene Bannister of Salt Lake City. Marlene writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I discovered your blog at the beginning of June this year, and have been following it faithfully ever since. We were struck by the legal advice you offered on October 9th, as well as by the response by Tammy Pederson on October 12th. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, and the diaper idea seems the perfect solution. We looked into the diaper party thing, but apparently none of our neighbors are into that, and we then discovered that it just isn't for us either. So we've decided to adopt a child in order to produce the necessary dirty diapers. Thank you once again for your excellent advice."

And thank you, Marlene, for your delightful message. I am always happy to help my fans. Let me offer you one more tip. As you indicated that the evidence you have is sizable, if you want to dispose of it in a timely fashion, you might consider adopting twins.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's nearly the end of another ice cream truck season, and one thing I've learned is that adults pay absolutely no attention to a man in an ice cream truck. Most of them just hand their kids a few dollars and send them on their merry way to purchase some treats. Adults might later be able to describe the truck, but certainly not anyone inside it.

Fanny Mail: Another Legal Advice Success Story

Kiddies, I am always tickled pink to hear from fans who put my advice into action! I want to share a delightful email that I just received from Tammy Pederson of Phoenix, Arizona. Tammy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I have long been bothered by our neighbor's diaper parties, not because of the strange characters that descend upon our neighborhood once a month, but because of the smell from the trash bags set out at the end of his driveway the next morning. In the Phoenix heat, the smell can become overbearing. My husband was going to have a talk with him about it Sunday, to request he leave the bags in his basement until trash pick-up day. But then we saw your excellent new legal advice regarding the use of diapers to dispose of evidence, and it occurred to us how these trash bags could be beneficial to us after all. Before the trash pick-up today, we were able to dispose of quite a bit of evidence. Your tip not only helped us in this regard, but also avoided a potential conflict with our neighbor. We now look forward to his next diaper party."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, an excellent place to dispose of evidence is in a trash bag full of dirty diapers. Even the police will have no interest in digging through that. Plus, the strong smell should mask any signs of chloroform or paint thinner or any other chemicals you might have used.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Purchasing an incubator will give you a nice, safe place to keep your infant while you're away on the weekends.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, keep a diary in which you relate all your stories as if they really happened. That way, you can review these stories to refresh your memory when needed. And, should it become necessary, you can produce the diary as evidence that you did what you claim. So be sure to surround those stories with normal routine stuff that you actually did, to make the book more credible. Include events like auto repairs and trips to the dentist, items that can be verified by impartial parties.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep a pillow and blanket under your desk at work for whenever you feel you need a nap. You might also consider storing a second blanket in a drawer which can be used as a curtain to keep out the sunlight and prying eyes.