Poll Results: What Is The Most Enjoyable Way To Induce A Miscarriage?

Kiddies, I’ve been so busy with my travels and various experiments that I haven’t had time to make a graph for the most recent Fanny Game poll. But today I assigned the maid some extra tasks so that I could set aside some time for that very purpose. I delight in creating these colorful charts, Kiddies. And while one choice is clearly the favorite, each of the others garnered enough interest among the fans to make for an appealing chart. So here you go with the results from my latest poll.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

When meeting someone for the first time, introduce the idea that you have a twin. The other person will undoubtedly ask you about her, giving you the opportunity to say the two of you don’t get along. You’ll find this will come in handy later on when the person takes offense at something you've done.   

Fanny Mail: A Catsuit Question

Hi, Kiddies. Yesterday I received an email from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. Agnes writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I like my new cat, but he's just not as soft as my old cat. So I made a little coat for him out of the old cat's fur. But I am having trouble getting him to wear it. Do you have any suggestions?"

Yes, Agnes, I do. Attach firm clasps to the front of the coat. Or if you'd prefer this to be a long-term thing, you could sedate the cat and then sew the coat shut on him.

Ice Cream Truck Advice From Edward

With school starting and autumn just around the corner, we are nearing the end of Ice Cream Truck Season. Sure, it’s a sad time, but don't allow it to get you too down. There are still plenty of moments to deliver those special treats. Take advantage of the weekends, when many children are still out late, playing in their yards. And even on weekdays during these first few weeks of school there are opportunities, as children are not assigned much homework yet and so have more free time. Also, if you're attempting to extend your working hours deep into the evening, try adding hot cocoa to your list of items for sale. And be sure to enjoy each precious moment.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Ithaca

Hi, Kiddies. Lately I've been receiving a lot of mail. One of the letters I received today is from Matthew Thompson of Ithaca, New York. Matthew writes: "My wife and I recently had our first baby, and unfortunately it is deathly allergic to dog hair. After the latest and most serious reaction, which required hospitalization, we were told by several doctors that we had to give up our dog. We've had Patsy since we first started dating ten years ago and are quite attached to her. So we decided to give up the child instead. After all, Patsy is quite old and is unlikely to find another home. Plus, we really wouldn't feel right abandoning her this late in her life. She relies on us. My wife and I are still in our early thirties, so there is plenty of time to have another child after Patsy has passed. But since finding a new home for our child, we've noticed Patsy hasn't been sleeping well. She had taken an instant liking to the baby, and would always spend the night curled up next to its crib. What can we do to lift the old gal's spirits?"

Well, Matthew, you and your wife might consider taking Patsy on a day trip, just the three of you. Perhaps a nice picnic by a lake. And while you're gone, have a trusted friend remove the crib from your home and put it in storage until you need it later. When you return, it will be like the child had never been there. I'm sure before long, Patsy will be back to her old self.

Fanny Mail: A New Son

Hi, Kiddies! This morning I received an email from Bill Snyder of Lebanon, Pennsylvania. Bill writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just learned that I have a son. He is fifteen, and his name is Ephram. His mother now thinks I should be a part of his life, but I hate the name Ephram. If I'm to be a parent, shouldn't I have a say in what the child is to be named?"

Well, Bill, perhaps you should meet with the child once and see if he's worth getting to know. If he is, then you could discuss his name with the boy's mother. If she's unwilling to budge, just give him a nickname, which he would use whenever in your company.

As a side note, I have fond associations with the name Ephram. I knew an Ephram once during the traveling days of my youth.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Childhood Scars

Hi, Kiddies! Late last week I received a letter from Maureen Seaver of Lansing, Michigan. Maureen writes: "My daughter has scars all over her face and neck because I didn’t bother to cut her fingernails when she was a baby. At the age of four, she started asking questions about the marks, and I told her she was attacked by her Great Aunt Millie's orange cat. I never cared for that cat, or for Aunt Millie for that matter. So I was able to use my daughter's fear of cats to avoid the both of them for several years. But then as she got into her teens, my daughter started seeking cats out. As long as she didn't request to visit Aunt Millie's cat, I had no problem with her new interest. I was just happy she stopped asking me about her scars. But yesterday a policeman showed up and asked about several missing cats in the neighborhood. Do I need to tell my daughter the truth now, or should I just let things run their course?"

Well, Maureen, it is unlikely that any police inquiry will lead them to uncovering the truth about your daughter's scars. I think you have nothing to worry about. And if your daughter is cleaning the neighborhood of cats, so much the better. As far as I'm concerned, there is no crime in that.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your vacation this year is to some remote destination, do your part and encourage everyone at your hotel to visit the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Sunday Morning Tradition

Hauling your trash to the dump is a time-honored Sunday morning tradition. In recent years many dumps have closed. But that doesn’t mean those are no longer good places to leave your unwanted items. In fact, because they’re now unattended, the dumps are perfectly suited for getting rid of certain evidence.

Winsome Family History: August 2, 1954

It was sixty years ago today that George "The Killer" Steele first masterfully eluded the authorities, beginning a game that kept them occupied for decades.

Fanny Mail: A Good Point

Hi, Kiddies. Today I received a delightful email from Karen Mendelssohn of Hoboken, New Jersey. Karen writes: "I keep hearing that life begins at forty. Does that mean it's not too late to abort my thirteen-year-old son?"

Sweetie, I was tickled pink by your message, and I thought sharing it with all my fans would be a great way to kick off the weekend.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're on a blind date with a man of questionable means, when the check arrives, excuse yourself to the bathroom and stay in there long enough that he will likely have paid it himself by the time you return.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Children's Bodies

Good morning, Kiddies. I received so many delightful messages from fans yesterday, including one from Shelley Combs of Springfield, Illinois. Shelley writes: "How long can an eight-year-old hold his breath? My son is in the pool and hasn't come up for air in quite a while, and I think he might be setting a record. I'm so proud of him! I can't wait until his father comes home."

Well, Shelley, I haven't been able to find statistics specifically for someone of that age. But I did read of two adults who managed to stay under water for more than twenty minutes. Although children have more energy than most adults, they are smaller and so don't have the same lung capacity. Given that information, I would guess that a child of eight might be able to hold his breath for up to fifteen minutes.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If there should be a mishap while your maid is lighting the fireworks, don't panic.  Assure your guests that this is merely a temporary interruption, then have the maid calmly top off their drinks before she sees to her injuries.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If the grass is damp, be sure the maid doesn't place any of the fireworks on the ground. While lighting off the first one, she should hold the others in her hand to keep them safe.

Grandmother Winsome's Party Preparations

When dressing your maid in the stars and stripes for the holiday, be sure to use vertical stripes and not horizontal, for you don't want to accentuate her already-generous proportions.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, Kiddies: Fireworks are dangerous, so be sure to put your maid in charge of setting them off. It is likely that some member of her enormous family made the fireworks in the first place, so she probably knows what she's doing.

Grandmother Winsome's Party Preparations

If the maid swears that the bathroom floor is clean enough to eat off of, have her prove it.

Fanny Mail: A Question From Meadville

Among the many letters I've received in the past few weeks is one from Sharon Gagich of Meadville, Pennsylvania. Sharon writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've noticed that after my neighbor tucks her children into bed each night, she leaves her house and goes across the street to visit a friend. I've discovered that she also leaves her door unlocked at these times. Usually she's gone only twenty minutes, but one night this week she was gone for nearly an hour. Sometimes I keep an eye on her children while she's gone, but I'm not always able to do that. Should I alert the authorities?"

Well, Sharon, I would hesitate before involving the authorities, particularly as this is a situation in your own neighborhood. Once they poke their noses into something, they are often reluctant to let it go, and may return to follow up with more questions, which might prove inconvenient for you.  Instead, keep up with your surveillance, but don't worry about those nights when you're unable to watch the children.

Fanny Mail: A Shoe Question

Kiddies, I'm back at Winsome Headquarters, and am beginning to go through the letters and email messages that I received while I was gone. Paul Norkin of Manhattan, New York, writes: "Is it possible to get horseshoes fitted for my cat? I just think that with heavy metal shoes on, it would be less likely to jump onto my stereo cabinet."

Well, Paul, I think that is a delightful and innovative idea. I caution you to make sure the shoes are heavy enough to keep the cat firmly on the ground, because if it is still able to leap up, it would almost certainly cause damage to your stereo cabinet.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you're an elderly person on the dating scene, the good thing is you don't have to worry about making long-term commitments.

Fans Welcome Grandmother Winsome

Even though I didn't post the name of the hotel where I am staying, thousands of fans turned out to welcome me. I am just tickled pink that so many people came out to say hello.

Edward's Return

 Edward just got home, and his ice cream truck appears cleaner now than it was when he left.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's been a wonderful trip. The results were even better than I'd hoped for. I covered a lot of territory, and put quite a few smiles on little faces. I'm heading home tomorrow, so I decided to give away the rest of my stock to a few hungry children this evening. I let them each, one at a time, come into the back of the truck to choose their treats. Their displays of gratitude were the perfect ending to my ice cream truck adventures.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I helped a little boy who was lost. He was crying because he couldn't find his way back to his family's campsite. My truck's familiar jingle led him to me, and after an hour or so of calming him down with special treats, I drove him to the nearby site and delivered him to his grateful guardians.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I parked my ice cream truck next to a popular community swimming pool. There were so many children that it was overwhelming. I'm going to sleep well tonight.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

There are far fewer adults at youth baseball practices than at the games.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Charging more to the less appealing children will help balance things out when you provide free cones to some of the others.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

To help cut down on litter, take the wrapper off for the child.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

If a child doesn't have quite enough money, don't turn him away. Simply share a treat with the child. After all, you deserve a treat yourself.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Little girls really enjoy it when you put flowers in their hair. It makes them feel pretty. So I've begun picking daisies to have in the truck. It's often that extra touch that brings the customers back for more.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Not all children have money for ice cream. But I don't wish to deny even the poorest child my special treats. So I've come up with a system whereby the children can earn the ice cream by doing little tasks. My favorite so far is having them hose down the outside of the truck and then scrub it with giant foam sponges. Poor children love spraying each other with hoses.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I found a pleasant suburban street with plenty of children playing outdoors. I parked my ice cream truck in the shade provided by a large tree, and decided to spend the afternoon relaxing, enjoying the sights and sounds. It was an affluent neighborhood, and the children had plenty of money on hand with which to purchase my special treats.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

Today I found a nice secluded area by a calm lake. I had only a few customers, but they were all winners. I've decided to spend the night here, and will travel early in the morning.

Posts From The Road: Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

This afternoon I went to the grocery store to stock up on frozen treats. In my excitement about this trip, I had neglected to purchase any ice cream. After a morning of explaining that I actually had nothing for sale, I decided to take a quick drive to the store. The second half of the day was even more enjoyable, and slightly profitable.

An Announcement From Edward

The warm weather is finally here, which means that children all over the country will be coming outdoors to play. It also means time for adventure. This year I've decided to take a couple of weeks to explore a little of the country in my ice cream truck. I've got the truck all packed, with sleeping bags for comfort and restraints for safety. I also have maps with lots of secluded, wooded areas marked for enjoyment and exploration.

Grandmother is helping by sponsoring this trip. In return, I will be posting some updates from the road. Wherever children are playing, I will be there.

A Safety Tip From Edward

If you're concerned about safety, install some straps in the back of your ice cream truck to act like seat belts. That way, no one will get damaged back there if you come to a sudden stop.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you discover a new planet, star or comet, be sure to name it after your favorite Grandmother.

A Tip From Edward

Always keep an extra sleeping bag in your ice cream truck.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a member of a popular music group, be sure to start all your concerts with the Grandmother Winsome Theme Song. Your fans will be delighted if you play it again as your encore.

Fanny Mail: An Adoption Question

Hi, Kiddies. I just received an email from Elaine Hoffs of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Elaine writes, "Dear Grandmother Winsome, is it cheaper to adopt sickly children? I'm on a budget, and I won't need them for long."

Well, Elaine, that's a very good question. It seems to me that most people are not willing to purchase defective merchandise, and so often stores just end up tossing those items. With that in mind, I am certain that adoption agencies would be willing to give you a discount on sickly children. Plus, they will be relieved to have those children moved off the floor to make room for better product, and also to keep themselves, as well as the other stock, from getting sick.

And for those of you who are in the market, check out Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Adopting A Child.

A Camping Tip From Edward

When camping with a scout troop, you'll need bug repellant and sunblock. Be sure to get the kind you have to rub on by hand rather than the less-personal spray.

If anyone questions your choice, here is a list of legitimate reasons for using the lotion rather than the spray:

• Aerosol sprays are bad for the environment
• Aerosol sprays are harmful for children with asthma, and could trigger an attack
• The spray is flammable, and is therefore more dangerous
• There is less of a chance of getting the lotion in someone's eyes
• The lotions come in smaller sizes that will fit more easily inside your backpack 
• The lotion eliminates the wind as a factor
• The lotions often have a more pleasant fragrance 
• With the lotion, you have more control over just where you're spreading it

Though these are all valid explanations, you could also simply tell the person the store was out of the spray.

Cindy's Art Projects

Cindy's assignment in school this week was to draw how she plans on spending her spring vacation. The result was this delightful picture, which I am pleased to share with all of you.

That reminds me, I am again in need of fresh cats for the Time Machine experiment.

Winsome Family History: April 14, 1944

It was seventy years ago that the Barker Sisters enjoyed their first major success in the art of making things vanish.

Fanny Mail: A Professor's Question

Today I received an email from Professor Nicole Jennings of Seattle, Washington. Professor Jennings writes: "Is it possible to rent children from an orphanage? I am curious about the effects of grief on young children, and for statistical purposes need at least a dozen subjects to take to various funerals. I’d use my own children, but I fear the long-term effects might be devastating. And though my study is currently unfunded, I am willing to pay the orphanage for the use of their children."

Well, Professor, I’m sure the people who run the orphanage would be happy to have you take the children off their hands for a while. And if you’re able to sweeten the deal by giving them a bit of money, I can’t see how they could object. Plus, the children will likely appreciate a day out.