A Lesson To Be Learned

Kiddies, I was disheartened to hear about the train crash in Pennsylvania, particularly because it could have easily been avoided. In July of 2013 I posted an important message to train conductors, and it seems clear from recent events that certain employees haven't been paying enough attention to Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Please re-read and share this life-saving message.

Cindy Lends A Hand

Good morning, Kiddies! Cindy’s teacher offered her students a chance to raise their grades by participating in community service. Cindy took her up on the offer, and was assigned the Birch Street Nursing Home since it is near her neighborhood. As so many of you enjoyed Cindy’s posts on cheering the elderly in 2013, I've asked her to post her progress here on the blog. So stay tuned as Cindy returns to the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you're a teacher, instead of handing out the usual assignments, have your students compose thought-provoking questions, and then send the best of them to Grandmother Winsome. I'll pick some of my favorites to answer in the months to come.

Fanny Mail: A Second Message From Principal Stevens

Kiddies, I am always excited to see a familiar name in my in-box. Today I received an email from Principal Stevens of Lincoln Elementary, who only recently sent in a letter and who now seems on his way to being a regular contributor here at Grandmother's Fanny Game. Principal Stevens writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I received your response regarding Cindy's prank, in which you stated that a classmate named Allie was the one responsible. I checked with Cindy's teacher, Mrs. Henderson, and she confirmed that there is no such girl in Cindy's class. In fact, we don't have anyone by that name currently in any of the classrooms of the school. It was Cindy who did it. Now, regarding Cindy's declining grades, which I was surprised to find you didn't address in your message, I spoke with Mrs. Henderson, and we've come to a solution. If Cindy is willing to perform some community service, as well as pay attention these last few weeks of class, she will be able to continue on to the next grade. Unless you find this to be unacceptable, Mrs. Henderson will go ahead and assign Cindy some appropriate tasks. Sincerely, Principal Stevens."

Well, Principal Stevens, I am certain Cindy will be eager to help out with whatever it is Mrs. Henderson has in mind.

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Concerns Regarding School

Hi, Kiddies! Recently I received a letter from Principal Stevens of Lincoln Elementary School. Principal Stevens writes: "Dear Guardian of Cindy, I'm writing to inform you that on the evening of April 16th, Cindy pulled a prank that resulted in the death of a classroom pet. After everyone had left for the day, Cindy re-entered the school and covered Mrs. Henderson's hamster in paint. While it's possible she might not have intended to harm the animal, nevertheless the hamster's death has had a traumatic effect on some of her classmates. While discussing this issue with Cindy's teacher, I've also learned that Cindy's grades have been slipping, and she is in danger of being held back if her marks don't improve in the next few weeks. Please get back to me as soon as possible so we can discuss the issue and arrive at some resolution. Sincerely, Principal Stevens."

Well, Principal Stevens, I read Cindy's blog post about painting the hamster your school colors, and as I recall, it was her friend Allie who did it, not Cindy. As it seems you don't follow my blog very closely, I will be sure to email a copy of this response to the school. I am disappointed to learn that word of Grandmother's Fanny Game hasn't yet spread to Lincoln Elementary, and I will certainly speak with Cindy about that.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Family

Saturday I received a letter from Mrs. Worthington of Park City, Utah. Mrs. Worthington writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am thinking of having a private mausoleum built in my home. I want to keep my husband and children close to me, and don't enjoy visiting cemeteries. I do, however, have one concern. Will I be expected to set up visiting hours for other family members and friends?"

Well, Mrs. Worthington, many people do enjoy visiting their dead loved ones, and may want to drop by from time to time. But this is your home, and you're not required to let in anyone whom you do not wish to see. However, an option is to have a separate entrance that leads only to the mausoleum, so that no unwanted guests will need to be in any other area of your home. You can post the visiting hours at that entrance. But again, that is only if you decide to allow them access, or even tell them that the bodies are there.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before election day, be sure to visit the campaign headquarters for all the candidates running for judge in your area, and pick up a button in support of each. Once the election is over, save only the button for the winning judge. Then if circumstances lead you to a court appearance, you can wear that button.

Cindy's Best Friend

Mrs. Henderson sure didn't appreciate Allie's school spirit. I thought it was funny that she painted our classroom hamster the school colors, but Mrs. Henderson says the paint has made Mr. Nibbles sick.

Cindy's Best Friend

Allie asked me to stay after school because she wanted to show me something. After Mrs. Henderson left, Allie went back into the classroom, and a few minutes later invited me in. Boy, will the kids be surprised tomorrow when they see that Mr. Nibbles, our classroom hamster, is painted blue and gold, our school colors.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you're on trial for a serious crime, be sure to make eye contact with the jury members and smile warmly at them. Also, don't slouch. Having good posture will make a good impression. If the jury sees you at your best, they will have trouble believing the worst of you.

Fanny Mail: An April Fools' Day Concoction

Hi, Kiddies! Late last night I received an email from Gladys Proctor of San Diego. Gladys writes: "As an April Fools' joke, I posted to my cooking blog a baby food recipe that included 1 cup of varnish in the list of ingredients. Well, somebody’s baby died. I just wanted to warn my fellow bloggers that not everyone understands April Fools' jokes. Granted, I did post it just after 11 P.M. on the west coast, which technically made it April 2nd on the east coast. But the reader still should have understood the spirit in which the post was offered."

Gladys, it's so true that not everyone has a sense of humor. But let me offer another thing to consider: the mother knew exactly what she was doing, and used your humorous post as an excuse to get rid of an unwanted baby. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, Sweetie.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Rather than wear gloves, which can be conspicuous in the spring weather, tape small flesh-colored circles of cloth to the tips of your fingers to avoid leaving fingerprints. You could also use bandages if you think only a couple of your fingers will be necessary for the job. Bandages on all ten might draw unwanted attention.

Fanny Mail: A Tip From A Fan

Kiddies, today I received a delightful message from a fan in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Sue Jankowski writes: "Grandmother, I've made good use of the many tips you've provided over the years, and now wanted to offer one of my own. I couldn't find a greeting card offering congratulations on the birth of conjoined twins, so what I did was purchase two identical baby cards and tape them together."

Cindy's Best Friend

The weather was so nice today that Allie and I left school a bit early so we'd have more time to play on the tire swing at our tree house.

Fanny Mail: A Concerned Neighbor

Kiddies, I just received this email from Donald Simpkins of Charleston, South Carolina. Donald writes: "While reviewing this weekend's footage of my neighbor, I noticed she has a new mole on her lower back. I don't think she's aware of it, and I'm afraid it might be something serious. How do I alert her without revealing that I've been filming her?"

Donald, write an anonymous letter to your neighbor, expressing your concern and suggesting she see her doctor.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep all your child's belongings in trash bags. That way, if he suddenly dies, you won't be burdened with gathering and organizing his possessions, which can be difficult for a parent. Everything will be packed and ready for the dump.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

A walking stick is not only fashionable, but also useful in gently moving people out of your way on the sidewalk.

Fanny Mail: A Word From Omaha

Hi, Kiddies! I'm always tickled pink to learn that even my older blog posts are reaching new fans. Today I received this email from Paul Meadows of Omaha, Nebraska: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I came across the results of your poll, 'What Is The Most Enjoyable Way To Induce A Miscarriage?' Though the poll is obviously closed, I wanted to offer another way that I've found to be effective. I signed my wife up for guard dog training. All the trashing of her small frame really did the trick."

For those fans who haven't yet seen the results of that poll, click here.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

These days many traffic lights have cameras, so it's always a good idea to keep a few wigs in your car. Wear one whenever you're in a hurry.

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

Allie and I spent all weekend working on our tree house, and it's finally done. It even has a small roof. Allie loves it so much, she suggested we live there full-time, and told me I should move all of my stuff out there. It sounded great until I realized my bed wouldn't fit, so we agreed the tree house will remain our secret hideout.

Fanny Mail: Action!

Kiddies, a few moments ago I received a delightful message from long-time fan Shelley Thomas, of Santa Barbara, California, and I want to share it with all of you. Shelley writes: "I encourage my children to make amateur horror films. That way, if they happen to be covered with real blood later, the neighbors will assume it's simply makeup for their newest masterpiece."

Fanny Mail: A Good Idea From A Fan

Today I received a delightful message that I'd love to share with all of you. Samantha Coolidge of Los Angeles writes: "I've been on a jury five times, and every time I pushed for a guilty verdict. I figure every person behind bars is a person that won't be in front of me during rush hour."

Cindy's Best Friend

I am so happy because Allie was back in school today. I sort of expected her to have a cast on her leg or something, but she's all better. She even said how excited she is to get back to work on our tree house this weekend.

Cindy's Best Friend

I was looking out the window during class today, and thought I saw Allie in the school yard. So I got a bathroom pass and went outside to look for her, but couldn't find her. If she's not in school tomorrow, I'm going to go to her house to see how she is.

Cindy's Best Friend

Allie wasn't in school today. I'm worried that maybe she was hurt more than she let on when she fell out of the tree. I tried calling her as soon as I got home from school, but there was no answer.

Fanny Mail: Keeping A Child In School

This weekend I received a message from Linda Cruz of Phoenix, Arizona. Linda writes: "How do we convince our child to do more extracurricular activities? He likes to come home right after school, and my husband and I would prefer to have more time to ourselves in the afternoons."

Linda, you don't have to convince him of anything. You are the parent. You make the rules. Simply sign your child up for a sport or other activity. Pick one that is offered at the school so that you will not be burdened with having to provide transportation to your child, which would defeat the purpose. Or, if your child's grades could stand some improvement, you could hire someone to tutor him at the school. Another possibility is having your child do some volunteer work around the school grounds. Any of these ideas will provide you and your husband with the time you desire.

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

This weekend Allie and I were determined to add walls and a roof to our tree house. We still had some of those white boards left over from building the floor, and so decided to use those. But while putting up the first wall, Allie took a tumble out of the tree and hurt herself. I had to help her all the way back to her house, and so work was put on hold before we finished even one wall. I hope Allie will be feeling good enough to be in school tomorrow.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Before committing a crime in a new city, spend some time familiarizing yourself with the sound of the local police sirens. Sirens vary from place to place. You wouldn't want to rush a job if the siren you were hearing were that of an ambulance or firetruck.

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

Allie found a new welcome mat for our tree house, and this one doesn't say "The Richards" on it.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you are an amateur thief, consider practicing your trade at homes for the blind, where victims are less likely to pick you out of a police lineup if you're caught.

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

All last week Allie and I were eager to get back to our tree house and continue working. We spent the entire day there yesterday and today, and it's now starting to come together. Today we hung the tire swing. Allie took the first ride and declared it "A whole lot of fun." Next week we plan to build the roof and some walls.

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Feedback

Hi, Kiddies! Today I received a delightful message from another satisfied fan. Leslie Wheeler of Albany, New York writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just wanted to thank you for the excellent advice on hiring the cheapest babysitter. Now I have enough money to go out twice a week!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! You go enjoy yourself.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If birds wake you early in the morning with their obnoxious chirping, simply tie a cat to a branch high up in that tree. The birds will want to avoid the cat and will land in a neighbor's tree instead, allowing you to sleep as late as you wish.

Edward's "For Your Information"

When choosing a traveling companion, it's best to pick someone with your own hair color and skin complexion. That way, it's easier to convince the authorities that he's your son.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If your child's birthday falls within these cold winter months, consider throwing a skating party. Skating over a frozen pond can be a lot of fun. Just keep in mind that fat children are more likely to fall through the ice and ruin your child's skating party, so be sure to specify a weight limit when sending out the invitations.

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

Yesterday Allie and I got started on our magnificent tree house, and we were super busy all weekend working on it. It was more difficult than we'd expected, and Allie got a little frustrated that I was having trouble holding the nails steady while she hit them with the hammer. But we did get part of the tree house built, and we put out the welcome mat.

Allie And Cindy's Tree House

Last week Allie and I brought the bulletin board out to our special tree in the forest, where we plan to build an amazing tree house. Allie suggested a week-long competition to gather the materials we needed, and today after school we met at the tree to reveal our treasures. Allie had a little more luck than I did, but we both found lots of wonderful stuff that will come in handy.

Here is what Allie found:

• a welcome mat
• a window frame without the glass
• some bricks for a fireplace
• a tire which we'll use for a tire swing
• some rope
• several planks of white wood
• a coffee can full of nails 
• a hammer
• electrical wire, so we can have lights and a television
• a television antenna

Here is what I found:

• a beaded curtain 
• two pillows
• cat pelts to use as a blanket
• a piece of carpet
• a dreamcatcher
• a folding chair
• a bird feeder

Everything is in a neat pile at the base of the tree, and tomorrow we begin building!

Grandmother Wins Again

Kiddies, I'm so pleased to tell you that my special gambling system continues to work well.

Cindy's Best Friend

Allie and I got the bulletin board out to our special tree, and now we're both even more excited to start building our tree house. Allie suggested we hold a contest to see which of us can find the larger amount of material for our tree house this coming week, so that next weekend we can start putting it together.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

A good way to confuse the police is to remove evidence from your crime scene and place it at the scene of someone else's crime.

Cindy's Best Friend

Today Allie and I went to the back of the school again during recess to look for the injured squirrel. He must be all better, because we didn't see him. What we did find was the old bulletin board from Mrs. Henderson's classroom. We both thought it would be the perfect piece for starting our tree house, so tomorrow we're going to return after school to claim it and take it out into the forest.

Cindy's Best Friend

During recess today, Allie and I sneaked around to the back of the school, and she showed me an injured squirrel she caught. She dared me to touch it, but the bell rang.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When purchasing a new saw, be sure to ask the salesperson if it can cut through bone.

Fanny Mail: Starting A Business

Kiddies, this weekend I received a letter from William Bradford of Eugene, Oregon. William writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I recently acquired an older, single-story building that is not wheelchair accessible, and I don’t wish to spend the money to make it so. My question is, what type of business would the wheelchair-bound not wish to visit, because, honestly, in addition to avoiding the extra costs, I'd prefer to keep the place upbeat. Perhaps a running shoe store?"

William, I would suggest against a shoe store.Wheelchair-bound people do actually purchase shoes. And their lawyers might threaten you with legal action if you do not install a wheelchair ramp. Of course, it wouldn’t be worth the cost of installing one, because you would get no repeat business from wheelchair-bound people, as they never wear out a pair of shoes. Instead, try selling trampolines. 

Edward's "For Your Information"

Setting up a basketball hoop in your yard is a surefire way to attract the neighborhood children.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Whenever attempting to pass off the murder of a family member as an accident, keep in mind that the authorities can determine the time of death fairly accurately. So if you wait to make that 911 call until after you’ve cleaned away certain evidence, they will wonder about that time lapse and look more closely into your story. So simply commit the murder during rush hour. That way, you can call the paramedics right at the time of death. The extra minutes it will take them to arrive will give you the time you need to clean up the scene, and your story will check out. 

Kiddies, here is a bonus tip: While talking with the 911 operator, be sure to turn away from the phone briefly and shout, "Hang in there, honey, they're on their way!" These calls are recorded, and having that line on tape will add more credibility to your story, should the case come to trial.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you feel you're unable to say no outright to a family member's request to babysit her child, one simple trip to the emergency room should eliminate future requests.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

What a fun weekend! I'm sad that Allie had to go home, but I'll see her tomorrow morning at school. During recess we plan to continue working on our tree house designs.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie was curious about the basement, and kept asking to see Grandmother's ongoing experiments. Normally I would ask permission before going down there, but Grandmother was busy watching football, and Allie said it would be okay. We had a lot of fun, and Allie said she had never seen so many cats.

Weekend Sleepover With Allie

Allie and I decided to have a tea party in the attic. There wasn't a table, so we used the long wooden box that Grandmother keeps up there.