Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 36)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I told the new occupant of Mrs. Chang's room that she could keep Mrs. Chang's cushion.

Edward's "For Your Information"

In neighborhoods throughout the nation there are road signs that warn of the presence of children. Some say "Watch Children." Some say "Slow Children." And some say "Children At Play." However, I have learned through experience, and much wasted time, that in many of those neighborhoods there are no longer any children present. Someone needs to take down these misleading signs. 

Rest In Peace, Mrs. Chang

Hi, Kiddies! As you know, one of Cindy's little friends died recently. In commemoration, Cindy asked me to help her recount the life of Mrs. Chang.

Mrs. Chang moved to the Birch Street Nursing Home in March this year. Her family had forgotten to pack her pillow, so Cindy took her an old one from the attic of Winsome Headquarters. In May, Cindy visited her on Mother's Day. Then in June, Cindy visited her on her birthday. Such a festive one, that Mrs. Chang. More recently, the pillow Cindy gave her was stolen. But Cindy was able to find her a cushion to replace it. Mrs. Chang then took Cindy on a shopping excursion for a coffin and a cemetery plot. And not a moment too soon, either, for this past week, while Cindy was visiting the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Chang suddenly died. Mrs. Chang's hobbies included napping, looking out her window, and talking about her own death. Mrs. Chang is survived by her entire family, who could not be reached for they are currently on another white water rafting trip.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! State clearly in your will that the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog update should be read at your funeral. Make sure you designate someone with a good strong speaking voice to do the delivery.

A Sunday With Cindy

Cindy has done so much to cheer up the elderly, that today I decided she needed a little cheering up herself. I took her on a fishing trip, just the two of us. She seemed pleased that the earthworms from Mrs. Chang's grave yielded us such a nice catch.

Grandmother Winsome’s Tips For Better Living

A fresh grave is a great place to find earthworms for your next day's fishing trip.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 35)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I wiped the lipstick off of Mrs. Chang’s teeth before they carted away her body.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When you go to confession, be sure to tell the priest how much you love Grandmother’s Fanny Game.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 34)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I promised some of the female patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home that I would keep a late-night vigil outside their windows until the Birch Street Nursing Home thief is caught.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work in a computer store, be sure to have all of your display models set to the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog page.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Occasionally attending the neighborhood church will make you seem less suspicious. Also, many churches hold classes for young children, and you can volunteer to lead them without having any teaching credentials whatsoever.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 33)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I walked with Mrs. Chang next door to the Birch Street Funeral Home and helped her pick out a coffin. After that, there was still some time before her afternoon nap, so we walked across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery, where I helped her pick out a plot. When we got back to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I pointed out that she can see her cemetery plot from her window. This seemed to cheer her up, as she said her next move won't be as difficult as her last.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Girls, there's nothing wrong with keeping your wedding ring on even after your marriage is over. Men enjoy being pursued by women wearing wedding bands. Just remember, you don't have to disclose what happened to your last husband.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever you're abducted by aliens, be sure to tell them to enjoy the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog once they've finished their delightful probing.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Funerals

Hi, Kiddies! This weekend I received an email from Mrs. Lillian Primscott of Birmingham, England. She writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I'm sad to report that our son has died. My husband and I are busy making all the necessary arrangements which accompany such a tragedy, and we see that the expenses are quickly getting out of hand. My husband mentioned that since our dog loves burying bones and was fond of our child, perhaps we could just forgo the whole funeral and cemetery plot and let the dog do the work. Besides, we've been saving money for a trip to Hawaii, and a funeral would force us to put off our plans for another year. We'd prefer not use our vacation fund for something as unenjoyable as a funeral. My only real concern is our family and loved ones. They expect a ceremony. What should we do?"

Well, Lillian, I think letting the dog do the work is a marvelous idea. Why spend all that money on an expensive coffin when you're only going to see it for an hour or so before it's buried? As for your family and friends, you can still have a funeral. Just simply have it at your home. Set the body up on some crates or a card table, and let folks pay their respects. Then those who wish to stay longer can make the trip to the back yard to watch the dog do its job. You may wish to set up some chairs outside, because depending on the size of the dog and the temperature of the day, the burial may take quite a while. However, regardless of how long it takes, your vacation fund will remain intact. And after spending a day with all your relatives, getting away will be even more gratifying. You're going to love Hawaii.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, it's much more difficult to plead not guilty to murder if you've taken a photo of the corpse and posted it on a popular website.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 32)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I found a cushion for Mrs. Chang to replace the pillow I'd given her earlier, which was stolen by the Birch Street Nursing Home thief.

Grandmother Winsome’s Tips For Better Living

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you've been caught disposing of a body, tell the judge that to save the court's time, you're willing to plead guilty to the lesser charge of littering.

Exciting News

Hi, Kiddies! So many of my fans write to me seeking legal help. Due to this popular demand, I will be starting a new column right here on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. The first installment of Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice will be posted tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When reading someone his last rites, also read him the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog entry.

Spread The Word

When defusing a bomb in a public place, take a moment to pretend you're unsure how to proceed and shout, "Somebody contact Grandmother Winsome!"

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 31)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I showed them my collection of old coins, some of which are from the 1980s.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Babysitters can be easily and cheaply bribed.

Spread The Word

If you make your living as a fortune-teller, be sure to tell your clients that good things happen to those who read the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Slip sedatives into the drinks of the passengers next to you at the beginning of a long flight so they won't attempt conversation or try climbing over you to get to the bathroom.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

When boarding a plane, always greet your flight attendant with a smile and a kind word, for there could be an emergency situation later where she can help only one passenger.

Spread The Word

When planting evidence in an unsuspecting neighbor's house, be sure to also bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog page on his computer.

A Message To Train Conductors

Hi, Kiddies! While I completely understand your being anxious to check for Grandmother's Fanny Game updates, be sure to bring the train to a complete stop before reading the blog.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 30)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I promised Mrs. Chang I'd help clear trash from her grave.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! When appearing as a material witness in a trial, be sure to say that you started the day in question by reading the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. That will prove to the jury that you're a reliable witness, and will give extra weight to any further statements you make.

A Reminder From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, if you have a "Baby On Board" sign in your car window, there must be a baby in your car at all times.

Grandmother Winsome’s Tips For Better Living

Declawed cats are more likely to bite, being deprived of their main means of defense. So be sure to have their teeth removed at the same time.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Rape whistles are actually used to stop a rape, not to start one.

Fanny Mail: An Important Parenting Question

Late last week I received a letter from Jeannine and Roy Patterson of La Crosse, Wisconsin. They write: "Our child went missing a week ago. Will the adoption agency automatically send a replacement? Or do we have to go round and pick one up? Our schedules are rather hectic these days, so it would be much more convenient for us if they make deliveries. We're just not sure of the correct procedure."

Well, Jeannine and Roy, it is likely that different agencies have different procedures regarding replacements. As you both seem to be very busy, you might consider having your maid make the phone call to your agency. She can relay the information to you later when you have a few free moments, and then you can decide how to proceed from there. Even if they do make deliveries, I caution you that it might be a better idea to go in yourself if even one of you can manage the time, as the agency, left to its own devices, might send you their least appealing child. And then you'll end up spending the time anyway making an exchange. If, however, it is impossible for you to find the time to go in, and they do not make deliveries, be sure to print out a copy of my important adoption tips to give to your maid when she makes the pick-up.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 29)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I made paper-mache dentures as temporary replacements for Mrs. Beaumont until the Birch Street Nursing Home thief is caught and her proper ones returned.

Jane's Tips For Social Interactions

Leaving your sunglasses on during a social gathering will keep people from realizing you're glancing around while they're talking to you.

An Email From One Of My Loyal Readers

Hi, Kiddies! I just received an email from Jerry of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Jerry writes: "Do funeral homes offer early bird specials? Grandpa was always an early riser. Well, except for today."  

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 28)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I made Get Well Soon cards for all the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

When Help Arrives

If you find yourself trapped in a collapsed building, be sure to ask the first responders if there have been any updates on the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog.

A Message Of Hope From Grandmother Winsome

Even the best criminals are sometimes caught. But do not despair, because with good behavior you're allowed up to two hours of internet access a day in prison, which is enough time to catch up on all things Winsome.

Cindy Cheers Up The Elderly (Week 27)

This week to cheer up the elderly, I went to the Birch Street Nursing Home to help them celebrate the Fourth of July.  Those on one side of the building were able to see the neighboring town's fireworks display through their windows, but had trouble hearing it, so I stood behind them and shouted "BANG" whenever the fireworks went off.

An Independence Day Tip From Grandmother Winsome

Remember, cries from your basement are less likely to be heard while fireworks are going off.

An Independence Day Tip From Edward

Fireworks are dangerous. So be sure to have the least attractive neighborhood child light them while you and the other children enjoy them from a safe distance on your blanket.

Cindy's Quarterly Report

Last December some of the Winsome Family members contributed their New Year's resolutions to my blog. As you know, Cindy's was to do one thing each week to cheer up the elderly. What a sweet girl. She has been so good about posting her weekly updates on my blog. In April I shared her progress in the first Quarterly Report, and now it is time for Cindy’s second Quarterly Report. 

Week 14: Cindy caught some insects and a lizard and let them loose in the Birch Street Nursing Home for those patients who can't go outside to see wildlife any more.

Week 15: She took a pillow from home to Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home, because her family had forgotten to pack one with her belongings.

Week 16: Cindy rubbed vapor salve on Mr. Matthews' chest when he came down with a sudden cough.

Week 17: She gave Mr. Matthews a haircut before his court hearing. 

Week 18: She added sugar to all of the cereal in the Birch Street Nursing Home pantry.

Week 19: She reminded the elderly that they have absolutely no obligations.

Week 20: Cindy visited Mrs. Chang at the Birch Street Nursing Home on Mother’s Day. Her family couldn’t make it, because they were busy going white water rafting.

Week 21: She told Mrs. Geffner that blue is a pretty color for hair.

Week 22: She painted all nine of Mrs. Shimshack's toenails a bright pink.

Week 23: Cindy told Mrs. Beaumont she might be reincarnated as a giraffe.

Week 24: She took the leftover sweets from her last-day-of-school picnic to the patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home because some of them told her they're not provided with enough dessert there.

Week 25: Cindy called Mrs. Chang on the phone, pretending to be her daughter, and wished her a happy birthday.

Week 26: She went to the Birch Street Nursing Home and covered the bathroom floor with sand and put seaweed in the tub to make them feel like they're at the beach.