Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I am delighted with all the birthday messages I've been receiving today. I am especially pleased with those people who indicated which method they chose to help spread the word, as per my birthday wish. Margaret Avery of Chattanooga, Tennessee had Cindy's picture tattooed on her arm, while Thomas Brackett of Trenton, New Jersey read a dying man the latest Grandmother's Fanny Game blog post as well as the last rites. Thanks, Kiddies!

Grandmother Winsome's Halloween Tips

People expect to see weird and frightening stuff on Halloween. So use this time to clean out your basement.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Request

Kiddies, thanks to your generosity I have plenty of fur coats, and I have enough cats for the next several experiments. So for my birthday this year all I ask is that you help spread the word!

Here are some favorite ways to do just that:

• Put an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car or on the wall of your cubicle at work.
• Write to your mayor and demand that Grandmother Winsome receive a key to your city. 
• Choose a busy public place, and act out your favorite scenes from "Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute."
• Hire a skywriting team to spell out "Follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog" over a football stadium this weekend.
• Have a picture of your favorite Winsome Family member tattooed on your arm. If you're afraid of needles, have it tattooed on your child's arm. 
• In your counseling sessions, during the word association game, always answer, "Grandmother Winsome."
• If you work as a shrink, tell all your patients that the only path to sanity is by following Grandmother Winsome.
• If you work in a Chinese restaurant, make sure all the fortune cookies read, "Grandmother Winsome has the answers." 
• If you work as a psychic, tell your customers that their deceased loved ones are urging them to follow the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog. 
• If you work as a ventriloquist, kindly ask your dummy to tell his audience about Grandmother’s Fanny Game. 
• If you work in a computer store, be sure to have all of your display models set to the Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog page. 
• When working for a suicide prevention hotline, just remind those prospective suicides that if they kill themselves, they'll miss the next Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update. 
• If you are into graffiti, mention Grandmother Winsome in your tags. But be truthful. If it's a crummy place, be sure to write, "Grandmother Winsome was not here." 
• When reading someone his last rites, also read him the latest Grandmother’s Fanny Game blog entry.
• When defusing a bomb in a public place, take a moment to pretend you're unsure how to proceed and shout, "Somebody contact Grandmother Winsome!" 
• When planting evidence in an unsuspecting neighbor's house, be sure to also bookmark the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog page on his computer. 
• Tell the parole board that you’ve now found Grandmother Winsome and so the State has no further worries.

Building Upon Successful Legal Advice

Kiddies, the response to my legal advice about disposing of evidence in bags of dirty diapers has been tremendous. If your neighbors don't throw diaper parties, like Tammy Pederson's do, you can follow the solution offered by Marlene Bannister, who is planning on adopting a baby or two to produce the necessary diapers. A message I received today from longtime fan Mr. Matthews asking that Cindy be sent over with an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker got me to thinking of another source of dirty diapers. So I've sent Cindy back to the Birch Street Nursing Home with a bumper sticker and an empty trash bag, with instructions to collect as many dirty diapers as possible.

Fanny Mail: Another Couple Helped By Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, I love when one of my blog posts strikes a chord with fans. Today I received an email from Marlene Bannister of Salt Lake City. Marlene writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I discovered your blog at the beginning of June this year, and have been following it faithfully ever since. We were struck by the legal advice you offered on October 9th, as well as by the response by Tammy Pederson on October 12th. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, and the diaper idea seems the perfect solution. We looked into the diaper party thing, but apparently none of our neighbors are into that, and we then discovered that it just isn't for us either. So we've decided to adopt a child in order to produce the necessary dirty diapers. Thank you once again for your excellent advice."

And thank you, Marlene, for your delightful message. I am always happy to help my fans. Let me offer you one more tip. As you indicated that the evidence you have is sizable, if you want to dispose of it in a timely fashion, you might consider adopting twins.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's nearly the end of another ice cream truck season, and one thing I've learned is that adults pay absolutely no attention to a man in an ice cream truck. Most of them just hand their kids a few dollars and send them on their merry way to purchase some treats. Adults might later be able to describe the truck, but certainly not anyone inside it.

Fanny Mail: Another Legal Advice Success Story

Kiddies, I am always tickled pink to hear from fans who put my advice into action! I want to share a delightful email that I just received from Tammy Pederson of Phoenix, Arizona. Tammy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband and I have long been bothered by our neighbor's diaper parties, not because of the strange characters that descend upon our neighborhood once a month, but because of the smell from the trash bags set out at the end of his driveway the next morning. In the Phoenix heat, the smell can become overbearing. My husband was going to have a talk with him about it Sunday, to request he leave the bags in his basement until trash pick-up day. But then we saw your excellent new legal advice regarding the use of diapers to dispose of evidence, and it occurred to us how these trash bags could be beneficial to us after all. Before the trash pick-up today, we were able to dispose of quite a bit of evidence. Your tip not only helped us in this regard, but also avoided a potential conflict with our neighbor. We now look forward to his next diaper party."

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, an excellent place to dispose of evidence is in a trash bag full of dirty diapers. Even the police will have no interest in digging through that. Plus, the strong smell should mask any signs of chloroform or paint thinner or any other chemicals you might have used.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Purchasing an incubator will give you a nice, safe place to keep your infant while you're away on the weekends.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, keep a diary in which you relate all your stories as if they really happened. That way, you can review these stories to refresh your memory when needed. And, should it become necessary, you can produce the diary as evidence that you did what you claim. So be sure to surround those stories with normal routine stuff that you actually did, to make the book more credible. Include events like auto repairs and trips to the dentist, items that can be verified by impartial parties.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep a pillow and blanket under your desk at work for whenever you feel you need a nap. You might also consider storing a second blanket in a drawer which can be used as a curtain to keep out the sunlight and prying eyes.