Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Enroll in group therapy for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, even if you've completed your court-ordered rehab, because their weekly meetings provide great opportunities to meet men. One benefit of joining these groups is that you'll see the men regularly, for they tend to come back each week even after you've slept with them. Also, a lot of these men have hit rock bottom and will be happy for the attention. You can remind them that the money they are saving on alcohol and drugs can be spent on dates.

Fanny Mail: Getting Your Money Back

Kiddies, most of the Fanny Mail I receive is via email or letter, but on Thursday I received a message on Twitter from Delilah. Delilah writes: "I need some advice, if I loaned someone some cash and they never paid me back. How can I get my money back from them? A civil court lawsuit? What’s the best way?"

Sweetie, you could take the person to small claims court. But you need to be able to prove it was a loan and not a gift, by having something in writing. If not, do you have any dirt on this person, something you could use to make the person want to pay you back?

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lowe asked me to write a letter to her son, Joseph. She told me she'd write it herself, but her hand was a little shaky and she was having trouble seeing without her glasses. I don't remember all of it, but in the letter Mrs. Lowe asked her son to come get her. She had me write that she was sick when he dropped her off two weeks ago, but it was just a cold, and she is no longer contagious and can move back in with him and his wife. I slipped the letter into the mailbox on my way home.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Taking photos can be pleasant, and it's nice to be able to relive certain moments through the images later, but keep in mind that certain activities should be left undocumented.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, as you'll recall, I've advised on the importance of keeping a diary for legal purposes. Because you never know if a lie detector test is in your future, be sure to write a lengthy diary entry about how nervous tests have always made you. Offer some specific examples. Perhaps you were so nervous during your driver's test that you drove up onto the sidewalk. Or a history test caused you to sweat right through your shirt, even though you knew the answers. That way if you’re ever forced to take a polygraph, your diary will offer proof that tests give you anxiety.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Avoid leaving evidence in dumpsters near your home, because often homeless scavengers poke through those bins in search of sandwiches and plastic bottles, and your evidence may end up thrown on the ground, where a passing policeman could spot it.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while it is often wise to transport evidence in thick plastic bags, once you've arrived at your dumping grounds, be sure to remove it from the bag. Plastic is more visible in the sunlight, and could actually help to preserve the evidence, something you definitely don't want. Let nature work its wondrous process of decay.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, refrain from hiding evidence in tall grass, particularly in neighborhoods, where the grass will eventually be mowed, revealing what you've left behind.

Fanny Mail: Rumors In North Hollywood

Kiddies, I admit I am tickled by the email I just received from Nina Kazemi of Los Angeles, California. Nina writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, there was a buzz over North Hollywood today when a pink tent was erected and a rumor began circulating that you were in town. Like many others, I got in line early, hoping to get a Grandmother Winsome autograph. But after waiting in line for two hours, I discovered you weren't here. So I ordered a vegan taco and went home."

Nina, I'm sorry you were disappointed. And let me extend my apologies to all of those in North Hollywood who waited in that long line, believing the rumors that Grandmother Winsome was signing autographs under the pink tent. I've been here at Winsome Headquarters all day, attending to some important business.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home there was a new patient, which came as a surprise. In fact, I only learned someone was in Ms. Jenkins' old room when I heard her coughing as I passed her door. Once she got her cough under control, she introduced herself as Mrs. Lowe and asked me to help her place a call to her family, as she was having trouble seeing without her glasses. The phone rang and rang, but no one ever answered.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a yoga instructor, rename one of the more elegant poses the Grandmother Winsome.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a coroner, when completing the summary section of a death certificate, be sure to add that the patient would have lived much longer if only he or she had followed Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living.

Spread the Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If your job is to send out alerts on the electronic highway signs, during those times when there are no child abductions, send out a message that reads, "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

At early group sessions at rehab, you can get a sense of each man's troubles. Choose a man with low self-esteem. He will be eager for any words of praise you give him. Tell him that he seems like a good person, the kind of man who would give his date lots of expensive gifts. Then set up a date for the weekend after you're both released.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If the court orders you to spend a month in rehab, use the time to meet available men. It is likely they are there by court order too, so even if they show no interest at first, they can't go far. You'll have plenty of time to make them fall under your spell. Over the course of the month, simply shift their focus from kicking their addiction to making you happy.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I took a long lunch break and walked to the police station to see if there was an update in the Mrs. Shimshack case. It had been two weeks since the authorities dug up her body to get a hair sample to see if it matched those found at the crime scenes. Before I left, I gave the patients an extra helping of medicine so that they would nap straight through the time I was gone. But when I arrived at the station, the policeman behind the desk had no idea what I was talking about, and had never heard of Mrs. Shimshack. He told me that the police were not even working on any museum burglary cases. When I returned to the Birch Street Nursing Home, more puzzled than before, I found that Mr. Oliveras had woken up and accidentally stepped on a mousetrap at the top of the staircase, causing him to fall. He was lying on the floor at the base of the stairs, still trying to remove the trap from his foot, when I arrived. I spent the rest of the afternoon making a batch of my special cupcakes to help him feel better.

Edward's "For Your Information"

Dressing up as a cartoon character and visiting a theme park is a great way to meet lots of cute children. And the giant foam head will keep your identity hidden, which is especially important if a court has ordered you to maintain a distance from children.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

I was incredibly disappointed to come upon this sight during my morning walk today. Just yesterday I pointed out that a giant truck tire could be a great place to hide certain types of evidence, particularly if you then place the tire back on the truck. But the person who left this evidence got it all wrong. The clothing is what should have been placed inside the tire, for the tire could then still fit back on the truck. Instead, the clothing is scattered about, in plain view of anyone who might pass by, and a suitcase was placed inside the tire. How can you put the tire back on when there is a suitcase inside it? Very shoddy work, Kiddies.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

A giant truck tire can be a great place to hide certain types of evidence, especially if you put the tire back on the truck afterward.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Planting trees helps the environment, and more importantly, trees will block your neighbors' view of your windows. It's best to choose evergreens, so that even in the dead of winter the trees' branches will be full.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I was hoping to learn the outcome of the police investigation into Mrs. Shimshack and the museum burglaries. But there was no word from either the police or the head nurse about whether the hair sample taken from Mrs. Shimshack's grave was a match to the hairs found at the crime scenes. I couldn't spend too much time thinking about it, however, because my list of chores was significantly longer than usual. I had to install smoke alarms, put out mouse traps, spray for bugs, scrape the mold off the ceiling in the bathrooms, turn the heat on upstairs and tape up the handrail on the staircase again. I hope next week I'll hear from the police. I know Mrs. Patterson is anxious for news too.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your baby goes missing, don't sell the car seat and crib too soon, even if you need the money. Doing so could raise suspicion among the authorities.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your child goes missing, wait an appropriate amount of time before redecorating his room. While I understand you might be excited to finally have the space for a pool table, removing all the child's possessions too quickly could raise suspicion among the authorities.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If your spouse goes missing, make sure you wait a reasonable amount of time before returning to the dating scene. You don't want to do anything that the authorities could deem suspicious.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If a co-worker is out on the ledge of your office building, and it's close to quitting time, lean out the window and shout to him that there will be another Grandmother's Fanny Game blog update soon. That should keep him from jumping and snarling up traffic as you're trying to head home.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was a lot of excitement today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Several detectives showed up with a warrant to search Mrs. Shimshack's old room. Since I was in charge of the place today, they explained to me that after receiving several anonymous tips, they considered Mrs. Shimshack the prime suspect in a string of unsolved museum burglaries spanning two decades. Mrs. Patterson entertained them for more than an hour with details of other crimes she was certain Mrs. Shimshack had committed. The police took down everything she said, then excused themselves to go across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery to exhume Mrs. Shimshack's corpse in order to obtain a hair sample to see if it matched those found at the crime scenes.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Take some pains to establish yourself as a loner. That way, if you can't come up with a suitable alibi, it will be believable when you claim that you were off on your own somewhere.