Fanny Mail: A Question About Exhumation

Kiddies, I am still going through that box of old Fanny Mail. Today I am answering a 2013 letter from Krissy Olin of Waynesburg, Pennsylvania. Krissy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, how many times are you allowed to exhume the same corpse? I want to teach my children about the natural process of decay. And the kids really miss their Aunt Jenny and want to see her again."

Well, Krissy, depending on how many friends you have in your local government, you may be able to obtain permission to have the body exhumed more than once. But in general, it is likely you'd only be allowed to exhume the corpse one time, and you'd have to provide a substantial reason for it. However, if the cemetery is far enough away from the main thoroughfare of your town and you have the proper tools, you could do the work yourself as often as you like. Each time you do it, be sure to plant new grass over the grave and leave a sign saying, "Fresh grass, keep off," which will help avoid suspicion.

Fanny Mail: Kiwi Love Troubles

Kiddies, over the weekend I went through a box of old Fanny Mail, and today I am answering a 2012 letter from Charlie Whitaker of Ashburton, New Zealand. Charlie writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been dating a woman for about a year, and at first things were going really well. The problem is she has a conjoined twin, and now I've fallen in love with the twin. I know it would break my girlfriend's heart to learn this, but it's proving difficult to keep our affair secret from her. Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated."

Well, Charlie, you may have already found a solution, as your letter is from several years ago. But I am responding anyway, as this is likely not an uncommon problem, particularly along the carnival circuit. Charlie, I imagine you're waiting until your girlfriend is asleep before stealing kisses from her twin. As you must be aware, that can only get you so far. One of these days your girlfriend will wake, and that is a scene you clearly want to avoid. The solution is to slip her some strong sedatives. However, depending on which organs the twins share, this could affect your beloved as well. What you have to ask yourself is if it's important that she be awake while you enjoy those intimate moments.

A Tip From Edward

To avoid disobeying an area's cruising law, simply park your van in one spot and stay there as long as you like.

A Tip From Edward

Check the dumpsters behind climbing gyms for discarded ropes. Later, after you've made good use of them, return the ropes to those dumpsters. You won't have to worry if the police find them, since there will be plenty of other DNA on them already.

Jane Helps At-Risk Women

I decided I would improve the lives of at-risk women this year. Last night I spotted two of the girls who had taken my December course entering a women's self-defense class. I quickly pulled them away from there, explaining to them that that is no way to meet a man. I reminded them of a few key points from my dating class, and we then spent the rest of the night bar-hopping. It is so rewarding to follow through on my New Year's resolution.

Spread The Word

After a game, when lining up to shake hands with the other team, rather than uttering the cliché "Good game" to each player, say "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Fanny Mail: A Message For Safe Travelers

Kiddies, today I received a delightful message from Pam Phillips of Denver, Colorado. Pam writes: “Dear Grandmother Winsome, I make it a habit when I fly to go and meet all those seated in the emergency exit rows before takeoff. I introduce myself and ask each person if he or she knows of Grandmother Winsome. If at least one person has heard of you, I take my seat and relax. If not, I grab my carry-on luggage and exit the plane immediately. I refuse to trust my life to a group of people who haven’t heard of Grandmother Winsome.”

Sweetie, I am simply tickled pink by your message. And you are right not to trust people who don't follow Grandmother's Fanny Game.

A Tip From Grandmother Winsome

If your internet service is down, when you call your provider to complain, be sure to say that you've suffered hardship because you've been unable to check Grandmother's Fanny Game for updates. They will be more likely to move your work order to the top of the priority list and provide you with a hefty refund.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

I am just about ready to start my cryonics experiment, Kiddies! Cindy did a superb job picking out the cats. Of the sixteen she collected, only one did not meet my rigid criteria. In moments, the cats will be sealed into the cryogenic tanks. The Mexican maid is wearing her rubber gloves to protect her from scratches by the cats and from the cold temperature. In my research, I found that the temperature most often accepted by the scientific community is -196 degrees Celsius, so that's the temperature I'm using. Updates on this experiment will be posted here on Grandmother's Fanny Game.

Cindy Helps Out Around The Laboratory

I told Grandmother I wanted to pitch in more around the laboratory this year. This morning she gave me the important job of finding the healthiest cats in the area for her new experiment. After looking around my neighborhood for several hours, I found only one cat, and it was missing a leg and its whiskers, and appeared to be sleeping. So I walked to another neighborhood to find the cats Grandmother needs. It feels good to follow through on my New Year's resolution.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

Kiddies, the cryogenic tanks arrived this morning! I am setting them up and Cindy is outside gathering the cats. I predict my experiment is going to be more successful than the ones done on humans, because I won't wait for my subjects to die before freezing them.

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

While waiting for the cryogenic tanks to arrive, I've been doing more research. I've concluded that the best spot in Winsome Headquarters to carry out this experiment is the smallest, coldest room, which is the Mexican maid's quarters, deep in the back of the basement. It's been nearly a year since my neighbors' maids were taken by immigration officials, and in all the time since then the authorities have not once stepped foot on the grounds of Winsome Headquarters, so I think my Mexican maid will be safe sleeping in the laundry room. I expect the cryogenic tanks to arrive any day now, Kiddies!

Minutes Of The January 14th Workday

Kiddies, there was so much going on at Winsome Headquarters this past weekend, I've decided to release the minutes of the January 14th workday.

 

Grandmother Winsome's Cryonics Experiment

Kiddies, yesterday's Fanny Mail from Ray Anderson got me so excited that I immediately began my research. Cryonics is an intriguing field, and there is still a lot of speculation and conjecture, making it an area perfect for experimenting. Certain connections I have came through for me, and I was able to obtain several cryogenic tanks, which should arrive by the end of the week. I went with the smaller models, designed just for human heads, because my test subjects will fit well in those.

Fanny Mail: A Message From Michigan

Kiddies, today I received an interesting email from Ray Anderson of Rochester Hills, Michigan. Ray writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I have wonderful news. My longtime girlfriend has finally agreed to marry me. We set a date for this June. The one stipulation she set is that both her parents must attend the wedding. I agreed, of course. The problem is that her father is cryonically preserved. So she wants to hold the ceremony at the cryonics facility. I always imagined an outdoor wedding, preferably at the beach. Is it possible to defrost her dad long enough for him to take part in the wedding, and then re-freeze him, without causing any lasting damage?"

Well, Sweetie, that's a good question. Now you've got me curious. I'm going to look into this, and I hope to have an answer for you before the wedding invitations go out.

Fanny Mail: An Important Message For The Medical Profession

Kiddies, today I received an email from Dr. Charles Livingston of Seattle, Washington. Dr. Charles writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I want to relate to you an experience I had recently on a plane so that you may share it with your loyal readers. I am a doctor, and on my flight this past weekend a fellow passenger had a medical emergency. The flight attendant asked, 'Is there is a doctor on board?' I pressed my call button, then sprang into action, using my medical knowledge to save the elderly man's life. As a thank-you from the airline, I received a bottle of wine. I just want to warn others who might volunteer that it is not worth it. If you give up your seat due to a full flight, the airline will give you at least a $300 voucher. But for saving someone's life, and keeping the company from a potential public relations nightmare, you get just a $10 bottle of wine. Definitely not worth the effort."

Thank you, Dr. Charles, for your message. I am sure my many readers in the medical profession will be grateful for the information.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Be wary of a man who doesn't want you to have your own hobbies, like using his credit card to purchase furs and makeup.

Grandmother Winsome's Tip For The Workplace

To set your employees at ease in the current state of rampant sexual harassment, simply gather them all together and inform them that you have no sexual interest in any of them whatsoever.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

To meet an employed man, order some food or other items from a delivery service, and then answer the door in your most stunning or provocative outfit.

Spread The Word

If you belong to one of those religious groups that enjoy going door-to-door, instead of the usual spiel, tell the folks who answer their doors to follow Grandmother's Fanny Game. For a change, they will be glad you stopped by.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Many employed men go to the gym before work in the morning. So if you're still out from the night before, stop in and strike up some conversations.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

I hear there is a good chance of lake-effect snow in the Syracuse area tomorrow, so I am heading there now. Kids are often tasked with shoveling their driveways, which is strenuous activity for the youngsters. But I will be there in time to soothe their aches and pains.