Thursday, October 31, 2013

Fanny Mail: A Zombie Precaution Question

Hi, Kiddies! I received this letter a while ago, but I decided to save it for Halloween, as it seems most appropriate for this special holiday.

Sal Tritto of Palm Springs, California writes: "My wife has finally died. However, in the last years of her life she often threatened that she would come back as a zombie and try to eat my brain. So of course I took the precaution of removing her head. But I’m now wondering what I should do about the funeral. Should I put the head in a separate box near the coffin so people can say their farewells to it? Or should I put the head back on her body, just for the ceremony? I'm only worried that it then could reattach itself. It may sound like a strange concern, but this is exactly how my friend Larry was killed."

Sal, if you are worried that her head might somehow reattach itself, then I suggest you keep it separate from the body. Why give yourself that extra stress? Funerals are trying enough, what with hiring the caterer and keeping lint off your black garments and so on. There is no need to have the head and body together. In fact, you might be able to save money by purchasing a shorter coffin. If you are still worried about the head, take it to a taxidermist and have it stuffed. Then you can keep it locked in a safe in your basement, where you can be sure it will be unable to regain its body and attack you for a midnight snack. 

Happy Halloween, Sal. And happy Halloween to you all, Kiddies!

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