Friday, October 31, 2014

Werewolf, Werewolf

The evening is going very well. At my next stop I plan on organizing a game of Werewolf, Werewolf. For those who are unfamiliar with the game, what you do is dress up as a werewolf, and then any child you bite also becomes a werewolf, and you give her a bit of your costume. Soon all of the players are dressed in small scraps of wolf fur. It usually ends with everyone in a giant pile, laughing and tickling and biting each other.

Fanny Game Fan Videos

Jason and Michael are hard at work, responding to your delightful birthday wishes. They brought to my attention an important non-birthday message from longtime fan Ruth Washington, of Oakland, California, and I wanted to share that message with you.

Ruth writes: “Bad news, Grandmother Winsome. Not only do we have a new homeless problem, but now frumpy Mexican women are taking their multitude of children on walking tours of the neighborhood. My nephew was in town for the holiday, and he got a kick out of this – you can hear him laughing in my video – but you and I both know this is a serious problem.”

Kiddies, here is the video that she sent me:

Edward's Halloween Adventure

I'm making a few last-minute adjustments to the truck, and will soon be on my way. First stop: visit this child.

Grandmother's Birthday Message

Kiddies, it's my birthday and also Halloween, so we're quite busy here at Winsome Headquarters. Two of my servants, Jason Keenan and Michael Doherty, stopped by on their day off with some special birthday treats. Now that they're in no condition to drive, I've put them to work, handling responses to your emails. I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Dressed For Halloween

I'm back from the Philippines, just in time to enjoy the best holiday of the year, Halloween. It's such a delight when the children are allowed to wander out in the streets by themselves at night. I've started refitting the ice cream truck for its winter role as traveling massage parlor, but have put that work on hold for this weekend, when it will become a traveling haunted house. It's going to be the perfect Halloween attraction. Sure, it's a tight space, but I can pack a lot of scares into the back of the truck. So look for my vehicle in your neighborhood.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you wear a disguise all the time, then when you’re committing a crime, you won't need to bother with one. You'll have one less detail to work out, and without a disguise you may feel more comfortable at those crucial moments.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If for some reason you're unable to get out of serving jury duty, be sure to wear some sort of disguise during the trial. After all, you don't want the prosecutors and any police witnesses to get a good look at you and remember you for future encounters.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Halloween Vacation Question

Hi, Kiddies. This weekend I received an email from Thomas and Alexandra West of New Haven, Connecticut. The Wests write: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, Halloween is our favorite holiday, and we'd like to do something special that doesn't include the children this year. We saw your recent post about clowns being eager for all sorts of work, and it gave us the idea to hire clowns to take our children on vacation for Halloween. That way we'll really be able to enjoy this special day like we used to. And it will be a treat for the children as well, getting to spend time with clowns. However, all the clowns listed in the telephone directory are already booked, at least for the early part of the evening. We attempted to contact the clown union, but were unable to find such an organization. So how do we get in touch with the unlisted clowns?"

Well, Thomas and Alexandra, I think it's a wonderful idea to hire clowns to watch your children during the holiday. However, you might consider scaling back. There is no need to send them all on an expensive vacation, when you could simply hire local clowns to take your children treat-or-treating and then keep them entertained the rest of the weekend. Be sure to have the clowns take them to an unfamiliar part of town. That way, it will be more of an adventure for your children, and they won't be able to simply walk home on their own. As for locating the unlisted clowns, they are not a unionized group. In fact, many of the clowns I've met wouldn't want too much personal information on record. So to find them, I suggest posting a notice at the local liquor store that you're seeking clowns to take care of your children for the weekend. I'm sure you'll get the response you're looking for.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! Whenever checking into a hotel, ask to be upgraded to the Grandmother Winsome Suite. For certainly the better hotels should start providing such accommodations.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Fanny Mail: A Parenting Question

Last night I received an email from Gregory Brock of Moberly, Missouri. Gregory writes: "My daughter has started developing much earlier than most girls, and is feeling very awkward about her body. I told her she looks sizzling hot, but she doesn't believe me because I'm her father so of course I'm going to say that. So I was wondering, is it possible to hire a troupe of clowns to pay her compliments?"

Gregory, that's a wonderful idea. Children trust clowns. And I've learned from experience that you can hire clowns to do just about anything. They are generally a desperate and hungry lot, with few scruples to get in the way. Be sure to hire only clowns with happy faces, for compliments from sad-faced clowns might seem insincere. By the way, I once knew a clown in "The Magic City." He is long since dead, having fallen asleep on the railroad tracks, but perhaps his descendants have kept up the family trade. Look into the Ginbottom family. Kahoots Ginbottom was once a relatively famous clown in those parts, and I can't imagine his name is entirely forgotten.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Fanny Mail: A New Message From Agnes

Hi, Kiddies. In August I received an email from Agnes Whitaker of Poughkeepsie, New York. Agnes had a question about getting her new cat to wear her old cat's fur. Well, today I received another email from Agnes. She writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I wanted to thank you for your excellent advice. I sewed my new cat into the coat made from the old cat's fur, as you suggested, and it has ceased its attempts to remove it. However, the cat refuses to clean the fur as if it were its own. A month has passed, and the fur is no longer as soft as it was, but now is matted and dirty. How can I get the cat to clean the fur?"

Agnes, if the cat hasn't accepted responsibility for cleaning the fur by now, it seems unlikely that it will. So you'll want to have that fur cleaned professionally. I know this isn't what you hoped for, and you'll have to sedate the cat again when sewing the coat back on, but you'll be pleased with the results. To keep from having to repeat this process on a regular basis, be sure to keep your cat properly stored. That way its fur will remain clean. Take a moment to revisit the special "Cat Storage" episode of my wonderful program, Grandmother Winsome's Variety Minute, for specific instructions.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you feel a compulsion to plan your crimes out in writing, be sure to write “Television Pilot Idea” at the top of the page. Those police dramas are still quite popular, so doing so might not only keep you out of jail, it could also land you a lucrative deal in Hollywood.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Edward's Surprise Of The Day

Good news! I’ve just come into some money unexpectedly. For those who followed my Ice Cream Truck Adventures, you'll be pleased to know that this money will allow my winter plans for the ice cream truck to come to fruition. I will be re-fitting the vehicle as a traveling massage parlor, because children get aches and pains too.

I've done a little calculating, and there should be enough money left over to cover one more thing on my wish list:
  • Vacation in the Philippines
  • Take a cartography course
  • Invest in better soundproofing materials
  • Purchase the new thermal night vision surveillance system
  • Hire someone to create a sleeping bag with a locking mechanism

Jane's Thought For The Day

Once a relative is dead, it's too late to get into the will.