Tuesday, May 10, 2011

So You Went And Had A Baby. Now What?

Well, there are many things one must do after having a baby.  The first thing is to name it.  This is important, because the baby will keep its name until at least the age of 18.  And when you yell at it, you want it to know just who you mean. 

First decide whether to give it a boy's name or a girl's name.  How about Jack?  Or Charles?  Or Chuck?  One doesn't meet enough Chucks these days. For girls, why not choose Madeline? One can't go wrong with the name Madeline.

Next, babies require a lot of work.  One thing a new parent will notice almost immediately is that the baby cries.  Loudly.  This may require some soundproofing of the child's room, so as not to disturb any other inhabitants of the house, including the dogs.  Babies don't stick to a normal sleep schedule, and so without soundproofing, its parents could be woken as early as 5 a.m.

A baby requires clothing, especially if the parent plans on taking it out anywhere.  The problem is that babies grow rather quickly.  And any clothing purchased will soon be outgrown, necessitating the purchase of more clothing.  This can become very expensive very quickly.  You might ask yourself if your baby is worth all that expense.  Well, there are some alternatives.

The first, and best option is to see if any friends or relatives have baby clothes that their babies have already outgrown.  Perhaps they'd be willing to donate those clothes.  Ask them to wash the clothes first.  Handling someone else's clothing is rather disgusting, but having it cleaned helps at least a little.  Another option is to pin a piece of cloth around the baby.  Use safety pins to hold the cloth on.  Be sure not to stick the pin through the baby's flesh as you fasten it, for this will only cause the baby to cry and annoy everyone.  If a piece of cloth is unavailable, a plastic bag will suffice.  It's best to reduce, reuse and recycle, so use a bag from a store rather than purchasing bags.  Everyone will be pleased by the environmentally conscious baby.

Now a parent might be wondering, "Okay, I've named it and put a bag on it, but how do I make money with this thing?"  Good question.  There are many ways to make some money with a new baby.  One idea is to rent it out as a prop to film companies.  Many films have scenes with babies.  Where do those babies come from?  That's right - from parents like you.  Be sure it's a legitimate film, not a porn or a snuff film.  While a snuff film may bring a parent a lot of money, it will also eliminate the possibility of future film work for the baby, and so no further paychecks.

There are other ways to make money with your new baby.  Be creative.  And enjoy parenthood.

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