Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Volkov had quite a day at the poker table! In fact, by early afternoon, he was having trouble closing the new wallet Mrs. Lieberman had given him last week. He joked with Mrs. Henley that if he won any more hands, he'd have to borrow her purse.

A Grandmother Winsome Christmas Tip

Kiddies, if you're old and on a fixed income, and as a result are unable to purchase gifts for your family, consider getting rid of some of your possessions. Tell your loved ones your gift to them is being less of a burden. They will be thrilled to have fewer things to throw out after you die.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I was excited to see that Mrs. Lieberman had bought one of those mechanical card shufflers for the poker club. And there was a new wallet or purse at each spot at the table. Before the first hand was dealt, the patients spent some time looking through their purses and wallets, showing each other the various compartments. Most of them were filled with tissue paper, but Mrs. Henley pulled out several photos of children from hers and passed them around for everyone to look at. She also found a peppermint hard candy, which she ate immediately. Once we started playing, we were thrilled to find that the mechanical card shuffler worked very quickly, letting us get in several more hands than usual.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Remember, Kiddies, you can always hire a magician to make the evidence disappear.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Two weeks ago at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman handed me a pillowcase full of jewelry to sell to Manny. I walked to his house several times, but until last night there was no answer at his door. I guess he was on vacation for the holiday. He was happy to see me, especially when I opened the pillowcase. He gave me a good price for the jewelry, and today I handed the wad of money to Mrs. Lieberman. She said this was cause for a celebration, and she had several pizzas delivered to the Birch Street Nursing Home.

A Grandmother Winsome Christmas Tip

Kiddies, it can be difficult to think of enough things to say to fill up all that blank space in Christmas cards, so in large letters write, "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home contacted Grandmother Friday morning, telling her that she and the other nurses decided to make it a four-day holiday weekend, and she asked if I'd be willing to work not only Saturday, but Friday afternoon and Sunday too. Grandmother told her I would do it for holiday pay, so I went back to the Birch Street Nursing Home around noon on Friday and stayed there until this morning, making twenty dollars each day instead of the usual ten. It was my first time staying over at the nursing home, and I slept in the vacant room that was last used by Crystal and her friends Angel and Cinnamon. Mr. Matthews told me that room had a terrible draft, and that if I wanted to, I could stay with him in his room. I told him I packed a heavy blanket. The other patients were thrilled I was spending the weekend because it meant playing lots more poker.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

Happy Thanksgiving! As usual, the nurses at the Birch Street Nursing Home took the holiday off, so I spent the day with the patients. We went around the poker table, and each person said what he or she was thankful for. All the women agreed that they were most thankful that Mr. Volkov has joined them at the Birch Street Nursing Home. And Mr. Volkov said he was thankful that so many people were interested in hearing his stories of his years doing ballet in Russia.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, don't be led into a false sense of security by scented garbage bags. They won't mask the odor of decaying body parts enough to fool seasoned police dogs.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, the first thing I did was apologize to the patients for not being able to make it last week. I explained that we were out of state, staying with Grandmother's cousin Millie while our new robot maid was being tested. They told me not to worry, that Mr. Volkov had entertained everyone at the poker table with tales of his youth in Russia. During a break in the game today, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and handed me a pillowcase full of jewelry. She told me she'd been waiting more than a week to give it to me, and asked me to see what Manny would offer for the lot.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you are visiting part of your extended family in another state, be sure to get a list of all the relatives who live in that area before you go home with someone from the local saloon.

An Exciting Announcement From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, as a safety precaution, while I was testing out a new program on the rebuilt robot maid, I had everyone clear out of Winsome Headquarters for several days. We made sure to take with us all our important electronic devices, just in case there was a repeat of last month's debacle. Edward drove us in his traveling massage parlor to my cousin Millie's home in the next state. Boy, was she surprised to see us. The last time I saw her, Jane was Cindy's age. We had a good time reminiscing about our youthful exploits, but soon it was time to get back to check on the state of Winsome Headquarters. I am delighted to report that everything is in order here. There had been no explosions, no fires, no destruction of property. The new robot maid had even fed the cats in my laboratory, which was completely unnecessary. Kiddies, I couldn't be happier!

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, all the female patients were gathered around Mr. Volkov in the activity room. He was reading to them a story from an old magazine. I started to set up the poker table, but the patients didn't seem interested in playing. When Mr. Volkov took a break to get a glass of water, Mrs. Henley told me she could listen to him talk all day.

An Important Message About Passwords

Kiddies, as you might be aware, there have been many security breaches lately, and I was able to learn from them that a common password is "GrandmotherWinsome#1." While I am flattered, I want to caution folks from using the same password that many others are using. So, try variations, such as "#1GrandmotherWinsome" and "GrandmotherWinsomeIs#1."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan were already at the poker table, with a chair they'd labeled "Mr. Volkov" between them. Mrs. Henley and Mrs. Patterson were not happy when they came down and saw that. They argued that Mr. Volkov should be allowed to sit wherever he wished. Just then, Mr. Volkov stepped into the activity room, and the argument came to a sudden stop while he took his seat between Mrs. Kunkle and Mrs. Macmillan. During the poker game, the patients were more talkative than usual, asking Mr. Volkov all kinds of questions about his childhood and hobbies. The conversation stopped only when Mr. Volkov nodded off. Mrs. Lieberman urged the others to use that time for a bathroom break.

Grandmother Winsome's Birthday Message

Kiddies, I just want to thank you for all the birthday wishes and gifts. I especially want to thank Mary Miller of Stowe, Vermont for the blowtorch and maple syrup.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home I learned that the head nurse chose Mr. Volkov as the new patient to move into Mr. Tanaka's old room. Mrs. Lieberman was excited to have a fresh player at the poker table. And the other players seemed happy to have him there too. Whenever Mr. Volkov called for another card, Mrs. Henley and Mrs. Patterson moved their chairs a little closer to him. During one hand, he fell asleep at the poker table, and Mrs. Henley couldn't stop herself from taking a quick glance at his cards.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you work as a flagger on a road construction crew, cover up the word "Slow" on the traffic sign you hold with the words "Follow Grandmother Winsome."

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I found a note from the head nurse letting me know she's trying to fill the vacancy left after Mr. Tanaka's death. She had scheduled three potential patients to stop by today to look at the room. She also told me to write down notes for her about any special needs the patients might have. It was a shame that our poker game kept getting interrupted, but the potential patients all seemed nice. The first to stop by was Mr. Thompson, who couldn't get up into the room because he was in a wheelchair, so I had to turn him away. Next was Mrs. Langley, who needed a bit of help getting her oxygen tank up the stairs, but said the room would be perfect for her and her three cats. And the last person was Mr. Volkov, who fell asleep as soon as I got him up into the room. It took me a while to wake him, and when I did, he kept asking me who I was. I left my notes for the head nurse, and am excited to find out which patient she'll pick.

A Message From Cindy

Now that Grandmother has dismantled the latest robot maid and we can post on the blog again, I wanted to update everyone about my job at the Birch Street Nursing Home. On October 5th, Mrs. Henley got a four of a kind, and then, while she was still celebrating, got a straight flush on the very next hand. And on October 12th, Mr. Tanaka died.

A Message From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, thank you so much for all your messages of concern. I was able to read them today after finally getting back online. The reason there have been no posts for the last two weeks is that my latest robot maid had gotten jealous of my computers and phones, and she destroyed all the electronic devices in Winsome Headquarters. It was a shame to have to dismantle another robot maid, but I was able to salvage many of her pieces and I am confident that the next one will work out just fine.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I took $820 in cash to the Birch Street Nursing Home to give to Mrs. Lieberman for the jewelry she had me sell to Manny. She was pleased and gave me $20 for my effort. I immediately lost that $20 back to her in the poker game, but I had fun playing.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you live in Florida and have mountains of evidence you wish to dump in the ocean, consider taking advantage of the imminent Category 4 hurricane that's heading your way. There will be few other boats out on the water, and so your activity will likely go unnoticed.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Last week at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman told me she'd have more jewelry for me to sell to Manny. Well, today during a break in the poker game she handed me a jewel-encrusted brooch, a gold money clip, two pairs of sparkly earrings, and six rings. She told me to make sure Manny gives me his best price.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

After school on Monday, I took Mrs. Lieberman's gold necklace to the pawn shop, just like she asked me to. But the man there told me I had to be eighteen in order to sell him anything. I was disappointed, but then I remembered about Manny. When I bought fireworks from him this summer, I saw that he also had boxes of jewelry and electronics in his garage. So I went to his house to see if he might be interested in buying the necklace. He told me it was a beautiful piece and offered me $150 for it. I told him that I had to get at least $200, and he said that was fair. Today during my shift at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I gave the money to Mrs. Lieberman, and she was pleased. She slipped me a ten-dollar bill and said she'd have more jewelry for me to sell later.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Wearing a gi, the traditional karate outfit, along with a black belt, in crowded squares and tourist spots will help deter pickpockets from bothering you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman pulled me aside and handed me a beautiful gold necklace that I'd never seen her wear. She asked me if I would take it to the pawn shop next week, but told me not to sell it unless I am offered at least two hundred dollars. I promised her I would go right after school on Monday.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! In your answering machine message, state that you are busy checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates and will return all calls once you're done.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker at the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a knock at the door. Mrs. Lieberman froze for a moment, and glanced at the other players, all of them wearing their new hats. But when I answered the door, it was a young man running for city council. He wanted to come in and talk to the patients about the issues that matter most to them. Mrs. Lieberman seemed relieved, and even invited him to sit at the poker table. Mrs. Henley asked the young man his position on cookies versus pastries, and Mrs. Kunkle asked if he would hire someone to mow the lawn and clean the litter from the Birch Street Cemetery across the street. Mrs. Lieberman asked him his position on crime, and when the man promised to clean up the area of all criminals, she stopped smiling and told him it was time for him to go.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, avoid the prying eyes of baggage handlers and simply purchase a new set of tools whenever you reach your destination.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, we decided to move the poker game outside to enjoy the fresh air. The patients were excited to wear their new hats outside for the first time, but Mrs. Lieberman told them to leave them inside, at least for a couple more weeks.

A Traveling Tip From Grandmother Winsome

When visiting another country, pretending to not understand the language will help you pick up a lot of information you might not otherwise be privy to.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today during the poker game at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman glanced out the window and saw a police car parked on the street out front. She jumped out of her chair and began grabbing everyone's hats. She then handed the hats to me, and told me to hide them all down in the basement. It took me only a moment to hide them, but when I came back up, the police car had already moved on.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, keep in mind that lifeboats can sink too, so once you climb aboard, spread out as much as you can to keep too many people from crowding on.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

In the event that your cruise ship is damaged in a collision, put on your life vest before checking the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I arrived at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients were already gathered around the poker table, and they were all admiring each other's new hats. Everyone looked great. As I took my seat, Mrs. Lieberman pulled out a package from underneath the table and handed it to me. Inside was a beautiful hat almost identical to the one she was wearing. I asked her if she'd used her poker winnings to treat everybody to these gifts, but she just smiled and shook her head.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

After a speed dating event, don't wait for the host to send you the results. The most eligible man might end up with multiple matches, and you don't want to have to wait for him to weed through your competition. Instead, ask him yourself right there to take you out for drinks or a late dinner. Since the two of you are already dressed up, it makes good sense to take advantage of the moment.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, slipping a stack of cash to the right person will stop that negative story of you from appearing in the tabloids.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the talk at the poker table was all about Mrs. Lieberman's stylish new hat. Everyone had something pleasant to say about it, even Mr. Pearlman, who couldn't see it, but reached out to touch it and said it felt nice. And they all wanted to know where she found such a great hat. Eventually Mrs. Lieberman told them it came from a darling little shop she knows.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, don't bother joining the new craze for old books that were produced with toxic pigments. Finding those books can be difficult, and they are rather expensive. Plus, it is not always easy to get an intended victim to read a book.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, one excellent place to dispose of evidence is the large sandbox that you'll find at some playgrounds. Within a few hours, there will be countless sets of fingerprints on it, and likely some saliva too, for young children love putting random objects in their mouths.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, there was a note from the head nurse asking me to tell Mrs. Lieberman to stay put and not go wandering off. When I asked Mrs. Lieberman about it, she told me she had to test out her new night vision glasses before taking on any serious jobs, and had gone out a couple of evenings this week. But she promised me she had learned what she needed and wouldn't go out tonight.

Legal Advice: A Follow-Up

Kiddies, I received a lot of Fanny Mail regarding my Legal Advice post from June 17th, in which I cautioned my fans against choosing associates with nicknames like Shady Bill and Unreliable Alice. So I thought I'd better include a list of other nicknames to avoid when choosing associates:

• Forgetful Frank
• Clumsy Clem
• Incompetent Ingrid
• Butterfingers
• Treacherous Anne
• Backstabbing Betty
• Turncoat Tony
• Double-Dealing Danny
• Double-Crossing Darlene
• Cracked-Out Kate
• Club Foot Todd
• Loose Lips Larry
• Wheezing Whitaker
• Hay Fever Harry
• Chatty Charlie
• Lazy Susan
• Narcoleptic Nancy
• Yellow-Bellied Kenny
• Cheryl The Snitch
• Tattletale Tanya
• Police Informant Willie

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today while we were playing poker outside of the Birch Street Nursing Home, a delivery truck pulled up in front. This stopped the game, as all the patients had their eyes on the delivery man. Mrs. Lieberman waved him over to the poker table and identified herself to the man. Sure enough, the package was for her. Once the man left, Mrs. Lieberman opened the box and pulled out a pair of infrared night vision goggles, similar to the ones Grandmother has. While the patients were admiring them, Mrs. Lieberman whispered to me that she was getting back into business.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

Speed dating is an efficient way to weed out some of the less worthwhile men in your area. But don't put off a man by asking him directly how much money he makes. Instead, in the five minutes allotted you, ask things like where he took his last vacation, which restaurants he frequents, and whether he's ever bought a new fur coat for someone he was dating. His answers to these questions will give you a good idea of his income and spending habits.

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome On The High Seas

Kiddies, I just received a nice email from Roger Cuthbert, who is currently in the vicinity of French Polynesia. Roger writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my associates and I were scoping out an island, when another boat started to get a little too close for our liking. We were about to call off our work for the evening when we saw the boat's name, The Grandmother Winsome IX. Then we knew everything was okay, and waved happily to the boat's captain."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I'm always tickled pink when my fans cross paths, especially at so exotic a location.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Sniffles The Eighth still hasn't returned to the Birch Street Nursing Home. I offered to look for another seeing eye dog for Mr. Pearlman, but he told me not to bother. He said that he's been falling less often without a dog.

Fanny Mail: Trouble In Wisconsin

Kiddies, just before lunch, I received an email from Scarlet Brezinski of Brookfield, Wisconsin. Scarlet writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, your legal advice has helped me avoid more than one snafu, you can be assured. I just wish I had seen your post from June 17th before I selected my latest associate. Because for the last few weeks, Forgetful Frank has caused me nothing but trouble."

Well, Scarlet, I hope you haven't grown too attached to him because it is time to cut your losses. Pay him any money you might still owe him and move on to someone with a more suitable nickname.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

It's been hotter than normal, so I have been doing my part to help the children stay cool. In addition to providing tasty frozen treats, today at the park I invited some of the children to come into the back of my ice cream truck, take off their shirts and lie on top of the coolers. One of the little kids got so comfortable that he fell asleep. I woke him only when I had to get to the butter pecan.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients and I spent the whole morning looking for Sniffles The Eighth. Mr. Pearlman's seeing eye dog had apparently run off during the fireworks display on Thursday, and had not been seen since. We checked the basement, the yard, and the Birch Street Cemetery, and even peeked into the ditches along the side of the road. Finally at noon, Mrs. Lieberman said it was time to call off the search and get to the poker game.