Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mr. Richards immediately asked me if I'd had a chance to write up the proposal for the activity room improvements. I told him that not only did I write up the proposal, but I then typed it during computer class at school so it looks professional. I took the page out of my backpack for him and the other patients to read. Mr. Richards told me I had done a great job, and then said he had come up with a few more ideas in the past week, including a glass chandelier to hang above the poker table. He asked if I could amend the proposal with those changes. I suggested we start with the proposal as written and see what the head nurse has to say before adding more requests. After a brief deliberation, he and the other patients agreed.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

I've read there's a new dating trend in which you let your friends vet possible matches for you. I think this is wonderful. First you should expand your group of friends as much as possible so that you have a large number of people out there working on your behalf. Be sure to pick friends who are less attractive than you. You don't want any potential matches getting stolen by a friend. And be sure to let all your friends know the lowest acceptable salary for any potential match. Then sit back and enjoy some chocolate while they find you the right man.

A Grandmother Winsome Tip For The Homeless

It's been brought to my attention that most homeless people now have cell phones and are able to check the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog for updates. So for you folks, I offer this tip: If you find a water bottle filled with what appears to be apple juice, leave it there on the sidewalk.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home today, the patients were again gathered around Mr. Richards. He was explaining his elaborate plans for the activity room, including pulling up the old carpet, swapping out the drapes and repainting the walls. He wants the room to be a bright yellow, with one fuchsia accent wall. The patients were thrilled with all his ideas, but I saw trouble ahead. I told them that we'd have to run these plans by the head nurse before making any big changes. Mrs. Patterson immediately agreed with me, and so Mr. Richards asked me to draw up a written proposal for the head nurse to approve. I promised I would do it this coming week.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, when on the witness stand, never be in a rush to answer a question from the prosecution. Give your attorney plenty of time to raise an objection to each question.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I was surprised to find the patients talking about sprucing up the activity room, something Mr. Richards had mentioned last week. Usually they forget things like that after a week. But Mr. Richards had everyone gathered around him and was exciting them with his ideas on how to make the room fabulous. The patients got so fired up that they sent me out to the store to find a print of a painting that many of them remembered enjoying. I couldn't find the water lilies picture that they wanted, but I did find a poster of a kitten clinging to a branch. It was so cute, I knew they would like it. And they did. We tacked it up next to the poker table.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

I just read about a new trend in the dating world. It's called honesty, and while it may sound nice, I should caution you against fully embracing this trend. Telling a man all your needs on the first date is likely to scare him away. And then you won't have any of your needs met.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Jury Duty

Kiddies, today I received an email from Wilbur McAdoo of Westville, Oklahoma. Wilbur writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, as you are probably aware, it's not very difficult to get a pardon these days. Still, I was really happy to receive one for my felony, at least until I realized that it meant I was again eligible for jury duty. Is there a way to remain both out of prison and out of the jury pool?"

That's a good question, Wilbur. No one wants to deal with jury duty, though it's not quite as bad as being imprisoned. The good news is there are ways to avoid it without getting arrested for another felony. You could become a law enforcement official or licensed attorney or judge, for people in those occupations are not eligible for jury duty. Of those three, law enforcement official is the only one that doesn't require any education, and so is the easiest, quickest route. But if that is not an appealing option, another thing to do is have sexual relations with all the judges in your town. While that won't get you out of the jury pool, a relationship with a judge will disqualify you from serving. In a lot of places, being a student keeps you from having to serve, so you could enroll in a free community college course. Just be sure to never finish the course.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Richards suggested that we go around the poker table and voice our New Year's resolutions. He volunteered to go first, and said he was resolved to spruce up the activity room, not just at holidays but the whole year. Everyone else got excited, and started giving him ideas on how to make the room more cheerful. Later I realized no one else actually ever got around to giving a New Year's resolution. But it didn't matter. We all had fun coming up with plans for revamping the activity room.

A New Year's Eve Message From Grandmother Winsome

Happy New Year, Kiddies! Enjoy your night. And when it gets close to midnight, put those phones away. Focus on the moment and the people you are with. There is no need to be on the phone, because I won't be posting any Grandmother's Fanny Game updates at that hour.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are on trial, pick the most homely person on the jury, and on day one begin subtly flirting with her. Something as simple as a bashful smile can set things in motion. Remember, it takes only one juror to set you free. And be sure to flirt with only that one person. You don't want her getting jealous of Juror #4 and seeking retribution against you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I found a note from the head nurse telling me to put a stop to the beeping from the patients' new watches. The patients hadn't adjusted the settings on the watches that Mrs. Lieberman had given them for Christmas, and so they were beeping at all different times. Most of the patients didn't even realize their watches were beeping. But the watches are all silent now, so the head nurse shouldn't be bothered by them anymore.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Christmas Edition

There were more surprises today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Mrs. Lieberman had placed gifts for all the patients under the little silver tree on the poker table. Because of her recent legal troubles, I quickly closed the blinds before anyone could unwrap anything, so that any police driving by wouldn't catch a glimpse of the gifts. And while the presents were being opened, Mr. Richards brought out a ukulele and delighted everyone with holiday songs. And then it was my turn to surprise everyone with a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels I had in my backpack. It was a wonderful Christmas at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, the patients had a wonderful surprise for me. They had decorated the activity room for the holiday all by themselves. Usually, I don't decorate until Christmas Eve, because the nurses don't like the decorations up for more than a day or so. But Mr. Richards had carried up the two boxes from the basement early this morning. There was also a little silver tree on top of the poker table that I hadn't seen before. When I asked where it came from, everyone looked at Mrs. Lieberman, but no one said a word.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

During the poker game this morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Richards said that some flowers would really cheer up the activity room, and the other patients agreed. I told him I knew where I could get some. So during the next bathroom break, I ran across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery. And what luck! There must have been a fresh burial yesterday, because there were lots of flowers on one grave. I grabbed the nicest bouquet. Mr. Richards was right. The activity room at the Birch Street Nursing Home was much more cheerful with the flowers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mr. Richards was waiting at the door. He told me he couldn't wait to show me the drapes he'd made with the material I had brought for him last Saturday. I followed him upstairs, and was surpised by how much the new turquoise drapes brightened up the space. I told him he did a great job, and I also liked the stylish throw pillows on his bed. He told me that the room was still a work in progress, and that the next time he wins big at poker he's going to purchase some fresh paint for the walls and a few throw rugs to cover up the stained carpet.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you're planning on feeding evidence to a lion, keep in mind you don't have to lower yourself into its enclosure and hand-feed the animal. Just toss the body parts in its general direction. If the lion is hungry enough, all the work will be done for you.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday I purchased the items that Mr. Richards asked me to get for him, and because it was Black Friday, there was a special deal on the fabric for the drapes. This morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, when I handed the fabric to him, he exclaimed that it was the perfect shade and that I have a good eye for decorating. He went through the rest of the bags himself, and when he pulled out the extra large chocolate bar, he handed it to me and thanked me for being such a sweet kid.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

It's become a Thanksgiving tradition for the nurses at the Birch Street Nursing Home to take the holiday off, so I spent the day with the patients. As usual, we went around the poker table, each patient saying what he or she was thankful for. Since this was Mr. Richards' first Thanksgiving with us, Mrs. Kunkle suggested that he start. He said he was thankful to be surrounded by so many fabulous people. He then pulled me aside and asked me to go up to his room and grab the purple bag from the back of his closet. So while the other patients were busy saying what they were thankful for, I went up to find that bag. It was a bit heavy, and I saw why when Mr. Richards opened the bag and pulled out several bottles of brandy. After Mrs. Henley's second glass, she got a little confused and asked Mrs. Lieberman if she had any queens. Everyone laughed, and Mrs. Lieberman reminded her that they were playing poker, not Go Fish. The patients all had a happy Thanksgiving, and before I left, I reminded them that I'd see them on Saturday.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Mr. Richards, the new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home, is settling in nicely and has made friends with all the other patients. In fact, when I got there this morning, he was leading several of the patients in a medley of show tunes in the activity room. I was surprised to learn that Mrs. Henley has a good voice. There was a lot of energy at the poker table today, and Mr. Richards had what Mrs. Lieberman calls beginner's luck. Before I left this afternoon, Mr. Richards handed me his winnings and a list of things he wants me to pick up for him. Number one on his list is bright turquoise fabric to replace the drapes in his room. He said those awful drapes will kill him before old age does.

Fanny Mail: A Tooth Fairy Question

Kiddies, I just received an email from Maria Gonzalez of San Diego, California. Maria writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, this morning our six-year-old son had an accident on his skateboard. He went into the street and crashed into a parked car, in the process losing several of his front teeth. Well, now he says he's putting all those teeth under his pillow for the tooth fairy tonight. I told him that it only counts if a tooth falls out naturally. These missing teeth are due to his own inability on the skateboard, and he shouldn't be rewarded for incompetence. Besides, at a dollar a tooth, that would mean a loss of four dollars for my husband and me, and we just aren't willing to spend that kind of money on our children. Our son has been crying for the last hour, but we feel we aren't being unreasonable. What do you think?" 

Sweetie, I totally understand and I don't think you and your husband are being unreasonable. Carelessness should not be rewarded. However, your son would have naturally lost those teeth eventually, and you'd be out the four dollars at some point. So why not tell him he can put just one of those teeth under his pillow tonight, but must wait on the others? Then if he's good and has no other accidents, you can allow him to put another of those teeth under his pillow once every other week. That way, you won't feel the loss in your pocketbook as much, and your son might learn to be more careful with his toys.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was excitement today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. When I arrived this morning, there was a note from the head nurse telling me she had reached out to Debbie about the vacant room, and that Debbie's father, Mr. Richards, would be moving in today. He didn't arrive until the early afternoon, which gave me time to tidy up his room and sweep away the cobwebs. I thought I was missing out on the poker game, but when I went back downstairs, none of the women were at the poker table. I found them each in their rooms, putting on makeup and brushing their hair. But when Debbie arrived with her father, they were all back downstairs ready to welcome him. Mrs. Henley complimented Mr. Richards on his bright silk scarf, and Mrs. Kunkle said she loved his yellow glasses. Mr. Volkov offered to help him carry some of his many bags up to his room. Everything indicated that Mr. Richards is going to be a perfect fit at the Birch Street Nursing Home.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

With all the excitement last week over my plastic pumpkin full of candy, I completely forgot to check for any responses to the classified ad. So this morning when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, the first thing I did was call the number. And, sure enough, there were four messages. The first was from a guy offering to re-pave the driveway. He said he was running a special deal this week only. The Birch Street Nursing Home driveway could use some work, but that message was from last week, so I'm certain the deal is over. The second message was from Mean Mo, who said he will be getting out of prison soon and will need a place to stay. He said he is under eighty, is an expert poker player and can easily get up the stairs, so I put him in the "maybe" pile. The third message was from a guy offering to replace the windows. He said he was running a special deal this week only. And the last message was from a woman named Debbie who said she is ready for her father to get professional care. She said he met all the requirements in the ad, so I added his name to the "maybe" pile for the head nurse to look at when she is in on Monday.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you wish to impress that special someone with an expensive piece of jewelry, don't heist it from a famous museum. In this distrustful climate, sneaky curators are known to secretly replace their best pieces with cheap plastic replicas, and those won't impress anyone.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I shared my pumpkin full of candy with the patients. Mrs. Henley was so happy, and immediately grabbed all four full-sized candy bars that were in there. 

A Birthday Message From Grandmother Winsome

Kiddies, thank you for all the birthday wishes I received today. And a special thank you to everyone who sent in photos of their costumes. I hope you all had an absolutely wonderful Halloween. I know I did.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In West Hollywood

Kiddies, the Halloween photos keep coming in, and I couldn't be more delighted. This email comes from Liam Michaels of West Hollywood, California. Liam writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my friends and I are having a fabulous time out at the clubs tonight. We are avid readers of Jane's dating advice, and even though we're all still single, we decided to pay homage to Jane on Halloween."

Wonderful, Sweeties! I will be sure to let Jane know she has some fans.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In Baltimore

Kiddies, I am delighted that so many of my fans, including prominent members of society, are dressing up as me for Halloween. I just received an email from the Honorable William Brown of Baltimore, Maryland. The Honorable William Brown writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I adjourned court early so that I could properly celebrate your birthday. There is a pub nearby with excellent happy hour deals, and since it's Halloween I'm dressing as my favorite legal scholar. Happy birthday!"

Thank you, Sweetie! And it's wonderful to know that you're enjoying my Legal Advice posts. Happy Halloween.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In Warwick

Kiddies, I am tickled pink that children are getting in on the Halloween action. I just received an email from Nikki Sullivan of Warwick, Rhode Island. Nikki writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my friends and I decided to dress up for Halloween, even though it's frowned upon at our parochial school. We'll do our penance later, but for now we're having fun. Happy Halloween!" 

Happy Halloween, Nikki! You and your friends look great.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In Salem

Halloween is here, Kiddies! And I just received another wonderful email from a fan, this one from Danielle Wright of Salem, Oregon. Danielle writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just dropped off my toddler at day care, and wanted to share the photo I took of her before I head to work. Happy birthday and happy Halloween!"

What a smart-looking child! Happy Halloween to you too, Danielle.

Fanny Mail: Another Perfect Halloween Costume

Kiddies, Halloween is tomorrow. Have you picked out your costume? I just received a wonderful email from Sophia Papadopoulos of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and she has her costume all set. Sophia writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I stay at home on Halloween and hand out candy to the kids in my apartment building. I've been wearing the same costume for the last three years, and had planned to wear it again this year. But I was inspired by the Fanny Mail from Susan Dwyer you posted on Sunday. So yesterday I went out to purchase the necessary items. For the first time in three years, my witch's broom will stay in the closet. I've attached a photo of the outfit I'll be wearing tomorrow. Happy Halloween!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! Thanks for sharing that photo. Happy Halloween!

Fanny Mail: The Perfect Halloween Costume

Kiddies, I just received the most delightful email from Susan Dwyer of Ames, Iowa. Susan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our local children's charity held an event yesterday, and since it was so close to Halloween, all the adults decided to dress up. I hope you won't mind, but I decided to go as my favorite celebrity – Grandmother Winsome. I am attaching a photo of myself at the event. Happy Halloween, and happy birthday!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! Of course I don't mind. I am tickled pink that you chose to go as me. 

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I immediately called the number for the classifieds section of the newspaper to check for any messages regarding the vacant room. There was one new message. I turned on the speaker phone again, but still had to repeat the message for the patients who had trouble hearing. It was from a guy offering to put aluminum siding on the Birch Street Nursing Home. He said he was running a special deal this week only. So it looks like it might be harder to get a new patient in the room than any of us thought. During the poker game, I asked everyone if we should adjust the qualifications we put in the ad, to at least include women. All the female patients and Mr. Volkov said no. So we'll see how it goes next week.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The first thing I did when I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning was call the number for the classified section of the local paper to see if there were any messages left about the vacant room. There were two messages. The patients wanted to listen, and asked me to turn on the speaker phone so they could hear too. But even after I had the speaker phone on, they had trouble hearing, so I had to repeat what was said anyway. The first message was from a man who was offering to spray the Birch Street Nursing Home for bugs. He said he was running a special deal this week only. The message alarmed Mrs. Patterson, and she immediately went to the large crack in the wall near the window of the activity room, looking for insects. The second message was from a man who seemed to be trying to answer a different ad, because he said he would need to personally inspect the chickens before agreeing on the price. So it looks like the room will stay vacant for at least another week.

Grandmother Winsome Balks At Sponsorship

Two major league baseball teams asked me if I would be interested in sponsoring them for the 2026 season. It would mean having my picture on the sleeves of all the players, which would be fun. But after taking a look at this season's standings for those teams, I decided against it. 

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you need to submerge a vehicle, avoid the reservoir if it's the source of your drinking water.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

One of the rooms at the Birch Street Nursing Home has been vacant for quite a while. I thought the head nurse had forgotten all about it, but this morning when I got there, there was a note asking me to submit a new classified ad for that room. During the poker game, I got all the patients to pitch in ideas of what the ad should say. This is what we came up with: "Birch Street Nursing Home seeks younger man (under 80) to fill vacant, clean room. Must like poker, have good bowel control, and be able to walk up stairs." The woman at the newspaper assured me the ad would be in tomorrow's edition.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

On my way to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, I stopped to buy a pastry for Mrs. Henley, her prize for being the first person to do a hundred laps around the activity room last week. But once I was inside the bakery, I thought that all the patients deserved a pastry since they all participated in the game. When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home, I let Mrs. Henley have the first pick from the box, and she grabbed the biggest cinnamon roll.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, there was a note from the head nurse instructing me to keep the patients up later than usual today, since the nurse who comes in on Sundays can't make it in tomorrow until noon. She left an extra five dollars for my time. The first thing I did was make a big pot of coffee for the patients to drink during the poker game. I thought that would do the trick, but at 4 p.m., they were ready for bed. So I created a game to keep them up longer. I told them the first person who could do a hundred laps around the activity room would receive a big pastry next week. I never saw Mrs. Henley move so quickly. She was able to do those laps in just over two hours. The game kept the patients from going to bed until after 6:30, late enough that they should all sleep in tomorrow.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep a can of grey paint and a thick paintbrush in your car for those times when the only street parking available is in a red zone.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I helped the patients put away their summer sweaters and take out their winter sweaters. Mrs. Henley said to celebrate the change of seasons she wanted to press leaves into a book like she did when she was a child. So once the patients all had on their heavy sweaters, we went outside. None of the leaves had fallen yet, so I pulled a few off the nearest tree for Mrs. Henley. But then some of the others got cold and we went back inside.

Edward's School Service

Now that school is in session everywhere, there are fewer children at the parks I like to frequent. But I've come up with a plan for the school year. I'm going to offer my services as a substitute teacher for home-schoolers. Parents sometimes bite off more than they can chew when they decide to home-school their children, and most could use a break. So I'll be there for those parents who need a day off or even a week's vacation. I also offer short-term services for parents who just need to get out of the house for a few hours. The kids will be in good hands.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today was the first day I've been back at the Birch Street Nursing Home in a month, and there was a note from the head nurse reminding me to take my pay home. The note was on top of a small stack of cash from the weeks I missed work. I hadn't had time to tell her that I wouldn't be in. Grandmother had called an emergency drill, which ended up with us traveling through various national and county parks around the country. Grandmother had instructed us to leave all our electronic devices behind in a secure area of the Winsome Headquarters basement, where they were guarded by the robot maid. For a moment, I thought that I should return the money to the head nurse, since I didn't actually work the last three weeks, but then I thought better of it and threw the money into the pot during one exciting hand of poker, which Mrs. Lieberman won.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, while it might seem like a good idea to bury evidence in the miles of undeveloped land at the large national parks, keep in mind that those parks fall under federal jurisdiction, which means vast resources at their disposal for investigating crimes. So instead take that evidence to a state park, or, better yet, a county park in a low-income area.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, the price of food at restaurants is outrageous. So go ahead and take the silverware or a set of dishes, especially if they're nicer than the ones you have at home.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was another nice day at the Birch Street Nursing Home, but after last week's mishap across the street at the Birch Street Cemetery, I decided to keep all the patients indoors today. A few of them kept on their summer sweaters anyway.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

If you didn't land a top executive at the company picnic, don't be discouraged. In the corporate world, there is traditionally a summer work slump, and so many of those important men end up in the bars once the business day is over. If you've memorized their photos from the company website, you know who to be on the lookout for.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

While it might be tempting to make a few bucks by selling certain items to a pawn shop, keep in mind that pawn shops are now required to enter their inventory into a database that the police can access. So what little you might gain is really not worth the risk. Properly dispose of that evidence, Kiddies.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

It was a nice warm day at the Birch Street Nursing Home, so the patients put on their summer sweaters and we took a walk across the street to the Birch Street Cemetery. I was surprised that Mr. Pearlman wanted to join us. I think he was still feeling good after winning the Name That Tune competition at our National Disability Independence Day celebration last week. We were all having a good time reminiscing about some of the old patients until Mr. Pearlman tripped over Mrs. Chang's headstone. We had trouble getting him back on his feet, and he told us to just leave him there to rot since that is where he'll end up soon anyway. But eventually we got him up and across to the Birch Street Nursing Home. After my shift, I went back to the cemetery to clean the blood off Mrs. Chang's headstone.

Edward's Ice Cream Truck Adventures

In some areas, the children have only one more week before they have to return to school. Well, those kids sure are making the most of these final days of summer, and I'm there to enjoy the action with them. I'm glad the summer doesn't come to such an early end in all school districts. Thanks to ongoing petitioning by some of my associates, the start of the school year is staggered across the country. So I'll be following the summer, and following the children with my ice cream truck. I've assembled a list of all the schools within a five-hundred-mile radius, with the date that each reopens. So there are no worries, even for those returning to school the latest, because I promise to be there with those final tasty treats of summer.