Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Things were a lot calmer at the Birch Street Nursing Home today than they were last Saturday when that man broke into Mrs. Henley's room. However, I was surprised when Mr. Smith did not drop off any of the girls this morning. I sure do hope that Crystal, Angel and Cinnamon are okay.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was some trouble yesterday at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Just as I was about to lock up for the evening, I heard a scream upstairs. When I got up to Mrs. Henley's room, I flicked on the light switch and saw a man standing next to her bed. When he saw me, and then looked at Mrs. Henley, he froze for a moment, and then went back out through the open window and down the ladder he had placed there. Mrs. Henley was in a state. I called the head nurse, just as I was instructed to do whenever there is an emergency. But there was no answer. By then, most of the other patients had gathered outside Mrs. Henley's room, and they told me I had to report the incident, so I went ahead and called the police. After the police arrived, Mrs. Henley and I spent a long time looking at a binder full of photographs. Several of the men in the photos looked familiar, but none like the man who scared Mrs. Henley. Three of Cinnamon's doctors were in the photos. I asked the policeman why he had photos of doctors mixed in with criminals, and he asked me why I thought they were doctors. I explained to him how Mr. Smith was renting rooms every Saturday for three sick women he knows, and that their doctors visit them throughout the day. Soon after that, the police left. The patients were still upset, so I told them I would stay there overnight in case the guy returned. The rest of the night was quiet, and I left once the sun came up.

Fanny Mail: An Urgent Question About Hospitals

Kiddies, I just received an email marked "Urgent" from Daniel Whitaker. Daniel writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I am at the hospital, where my wife was having elective surgery. They only validate parking for two hours, but I figured it would be no problem, as it is a relatively easy procedure. Well, the doctor just came out and told me there were some complications, and my wife has died. I have to move my car in the next ten minutes or be charged, but now they are saying the paperwork alone will take longer than that. Should I demand a second validation sticker? Or should I just come back tomorrow when I can have a fresh two hours?"

Well, Daniel, you might let slip that you are thinking of suing the hospital, since your wife died during what you said was a relatively routine procedure. After that, they will be relieved when you settle for just having your parking validated.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Tanaka was looking sharp. His hair was slicked back and his shirt was tucked in. But putting in all that effort must have tired him, because he excused himself from the poker table to go back upstairs right after Crystal and Angel were dropped off. An hour later he was refreshed, and rejoined the game.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

Putting a snow plow on the front of my traveling massage parlor was one of the best ideas I've had. There have been some big snow storms this season, causing power outages and school cancellations, but the business in the back of my truck never slows.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Tanaka was in high spirits at the poker table. And no wonder, since he won several big hands. But his mood really changed when Mr. Smith dropped off the girls and Crystal wasn't with them. This week it was Angel and Cinnamon who had the two vacant rooms upstairs. Mr. Tanaka's mood improved as they day went on. Then when the girls got picked up, I saw him go outside to have a talk with Mr. Smith. I was surprised to see Mr. Tanaka hand over his poker winnings, but Mrs. Lieberman told me not to worry about it.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you see a purple splotch on your chin when you look in the mirror in the morning, don't panic and assume you're dying. It's probably jelly from your midnight snack.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

Yesterday when I got to the hospital in my sexy new sleeveless dress, the hot young doctor was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was some sad old woman running the experiment. I told her I wasn't going to have my blood drawn until he showed up, but she told me he no longer worked at the hospital, and mentioned something about a disciplinary board. When I hesitated to give her my arm for the blood draw, she asked me if I wanted the twenty dollars or not. I wasn't about to let this new dress go to waste, so I took that twenty dollars and went to the nearest bar. When I told the bartender my story to explain the bandage on my arm, he promised to make my drinks extra strong, and told me he understood that it's difficult to find a good man.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Crystal joined us at the poker table for a few hands. She said one of her doctors canceled his appointment, and she didn't feel like hanging around in bed waiting for the next one. I was glad to see she was feeling good enough to join us, and she even won the first three hands she played. After that, Mrs. Lieberman kept a close eye on her. But it was Mr. Tanaka who seemed to enjoy Crystal's company the most, because I saw him move his chair closer to her several times.

Fanny Mail: A Question From The Windy City

Kiddies, today I received a delightful email from Xander Nash of Chicago, Illinois. Xander writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, last week I adopted a Great Dane with the expectation that he would be able to eat a large amount of bones in a short amount of time. The dog is good about not barking, but he just isn’t getting the job done quickly enough. He's barely finished one bone, and at the rate he’s going, at one bone a week, it would take him just over eight years to finish the pile I've amassed here in my studio apartment. There's a new girl in the neighborhood that I have my eye on, and I really want to clear out the bones before bringing her up to see my place. I’m in a bind. What should I do?"

Well, Xander, your troubles are over if you have an associate who works on a pig farm. I learned from a reliable source that pigs are well-equipped to digest all sorts of things, including bones. And what's more, they don't excrete much evidence of what they eat. Just starve the pigs for a couple of days, and then they'll devour those bones in no time. Good luck with your new conquest, Sweetie! 

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I found a gorgeous black dress today, and it's sleeveless, so it will be perfect for when I have my blood drawn on Saturday. Wait until the hot young doctor sees me in this! I have no doubt that it will lead to a proper date.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

A nurse from the hospital called me today to ask if I was available for a study taking place on Saturday. I told her I didn't think my body could handle another experimental drug so soon, but she told me this time it would be a simple blood draw. So I confirmed the date. The hot young doctor has already seen me in all my favorite outfits, so before Saturday I plan on making a new purchase.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I was a little late getting to the Birch Street Nursing Home today, because I'm still not feeling great after taking part in a scientific experiment at the hospital. It was fun missing school for three days, but I am having trouble walking in a straight line, and I still fall down sometimes. The patients saw that I was struggling a bit, and took care of me today. Mrs. Lieberman helped me to the poker table, and Mrs. Henley gave me some cookies she'd had stashed in her room. Mrs. Kunkle made me several cups of tea throughout the day. When it was time to go, Mr. Matthews said I could sleep in his bed if I thought I'd have trouble walking home. It did take me longer than usual, but I made it back to Winsome Headquarters safe and sound.

Spread The Word

Help spread the word, Kiddies! If you have a job doing the close captioning for the hearing impaired on television, whenever there is a long pause in the dialogue, type in "Follow Grandmother's Fanny Game."

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I had a wonderful time at the hospital this weekend, although the experimental drug the hot young doctor gave me caused me some trouble with my balance. I tried to direct my fall into his arms, but I missed and landed on the floor. When he helped me up, his hand lingered on my shoulder, so I know he's interested. Before I left the hospital today, the doctor came into my room one more time, and told me I would get paid an extra thirty dollars if I referred someone else for the study. I told him I had someone in mind. And as soon as Cindy gets home from school, I am going to let her know about this exciting opportunity.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I brought Edward's blowtorch to the Birch Street Nursing Home. I spent much of the day using it to weld some loose pieces of the old machine in my basement laboratory. When I was done, I fired up the machine. There was a high-pitched squeal, but the power did not flicker this time, even when the machine got really hot. I washed up in time to join the poker club for a few hands.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I'm getting ready to head to the hospital. I've laid out my three best nightgowns, because the hot young doctor says I'll be there for a few days. The nurse called me yesterday to remind me to eat something before coming in, saying I should have a full stomach before taking this new experimental drug. I'm looking forward to spending more time with the doctor so he can get to know my favorite places to eat and shop.

Fanny Mail: A Farmer's Question

Kiddies, today I received a delightful letter from Jim Cowden of Spencer, Iowa. Jim writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I own a small farm, and with my wife's help I've managed to get by without a tractor for years. But this week there was an off-season sale that I just couldn't pass up, and now I am the proud owner of a brand new tractor. However, I don't know how to break it to my wife that I no longer need her help. Her excessive size has been beneficial in pulling the plow over our four acres these many years. But now, try as I might, I just can't think of any use for her. And I can't afford to keep her and also gas up the tractor. What's the best way to convince her to move on?"

Well, Jim, there are likely many other farms in your area that could use someone like your wife. Perhaps you could put an ad in the classifieds offering her services. Be sure to stipulate that she has to live on site. If that fails to draw any interest, simply inform her you have fallen in love with your new tractor. Give the tractor a pretty name and buy it a big dress. That should be enough to convince your wife that it is time for her to move on.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today I brought some tools from Winsome Headquarters to work on the old machine in the basement of the Birch Street Nursing Home. I don't want that machine to interfere with the power like it did last week, especially if the doctors need electricity to help Crystal and the other girls. I spent most of the day tinkering down there, but I think I'm going to need to borrow Edward's blowtorch to finish the job.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, dog theft is on the rise, with some criminals holding pets for large ransoms. So if you see any suspicious characters when you're out walking your dog, give the animal a good whack with a rolled up newspaper and tell it it's just no good. That will make potential thieves believe you'd be unwilling to pay any money to get it back.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I just got home from the hospital. This experiment didn't take very long, but there was still time to flirt with the young doctor while he removed a section of skin from the back of my leg. Before I left, he told me he hoped to see me next week, that he has a new experimental drug coming in. I told him he can count on me.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, I decided to follow through on my New Year's resolution and do a little work in my basement laboratory. I powered up the old machine that Grandmother gave me, and everything seemed to be fine, until one of Cinnamon's doctors came down to tell me the power was flickering in her room and he kept having to reset the hairdryer and eggbeater.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

The young doctor didn't called me back yesterday, so today I decided to pay him a visit at the hospital. In case the nurse hadn't given him the message, I wanted him to see that my rash was nearly gone and I'd be ready for some fun this weekend. He seemed surprised to see me and said he didn't have anything scheduled for this weekend, but has an experiment coming up on Monday that I'd be perfect for. That wasn't what I meant, and I was about to tell him so, but then he said that he'd never met such a dedicated test subject, and was thrilled he'd be able to fill another slot for Monday's experiment. So I let it go and signed the consent form. It will be good to see him Monday morning. Besides, I can use the extra hundred dollars.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

This morning I got excited when my phone rang and I saw that it was the hospital calling. But when I picked up, it wasn't the hot young doctor asking me what my plans were for this weekend. Instead, it was a nurse asking if I still had the rash and if I'd had any more side effects after last week's experiment. I told her the rash was nearly gone and I was perfectly healthy, and will be ready for some fun this weekend. She said that was great. Now I just have to wait for the doctor to get the update and find a moment in his busy schedule to give me a call.

Edward's Traveling Massage Parlor

I have once again converted my ice cream truck to the traveling massage parlor, because children gets aches and pains just like adults. And don't worry about the coming storms. I've attached a snow plow to the front of the traveling massage parlor so that I can get to your children wherever they may be.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I just got home from the hospital. There was a little bit of miscommunication between that young doctor and me, and instead of taking me out on the town on New Year's Eve, he enrolled me in another scientific experiment. Still, it went well, and after he sent the rest of the participants home, he kept me an extra day. He said it was to keep an eye on the rash surrounding the spot of the injection, but I know it was just so he could flirt with me some more.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday the head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home called Winsome Headquarters to ask if I could come in for New Year's Eve. After Grandmother negotiated an extra ten dollars for holiday pay, I made my way over there. The patients and I played lots of poker, but no one was interested in staying up until midnight to ring in the New Year. And today there was no mention of the holiday until Mr. Tanaka asked me what my New Year's resolution was. The first thing I thought of was getting back down to the Birch Street Nursing Home basement to work in my laboratory. He said his was to stay in touch with his family as soon as he finds out their new phone number.

Grandmother Winsome Looks Back At 2021

Kiddies, it was another fantastic year here at Winsome Headquarters. I was able to break in the new maid, who has proved herself to be extremely useful in a wide variety of areas. And there were some surprising results in my parakeet research. I'm looking forward to a great 2022.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

I am wearing my best red dress and heading to the hospital. That young doctor told me to meet him there, so he must have something big planned for us tonight if he doesn't even have time to go home before our date.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

Yesterday I regained feeling in my legs and immediately went to the hospital to flirt with that young doctor. I told him I was available on New Year's Eve, and he told me he had an opening. Now I just have to decide which dress to wear.

Christmas At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home had a wonderful Christmas. They spent it playing poker and eating the cookies I picked up on my way there. Yesterday they finished off all the figgy pudding and corn on the cob, and I didn't think the remaining slice of fruit cake would last very long, especially with Mrs. Henley in such a jolly mood. The stakes for one hand got really high when Mr. Tanaka suddenly realized he had a straight flush. And even though that cleaned out most of the players, everyone's spirits were still high, and Mrs. Lieberman kept the game going by extending credit. I waited until they all went to bed before taking down the decorations and putting them back in the cardboard boxes for next year.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

After your holiday dinner, before scraping any remaining food from the plates into the trash, be sure to look through it carefully for any missing dentures.

Christmas Eve At The Birch Street Nursing Home

The head nurse at the Birch Street Nursing Home just called Grandmother, asking if I was available to work this afternoon because she and the other nurses want to get an early start on their holiday. That means I can put up the Christmas decorations at the Birch Street Nursing Home today and not have to get up too early tomorrow. I've also decided to surprise the patients by making a nice Christmas Eve lunch for them, including fruit cake, figgy pudding and corn on the cob.

Jane's Scientific Experiment

On Monday I took part in a scientific experiment, where I met a handsome, young doctor who took an instant fancy to me. He spent much more time with me than with any of the other participants in the study. And as soon as I regain feeling in my legs, I am going to head back to that hospital so that he can flirt with me some more. I will be sure to let him know I am available on New Year's Eve.

Dating Tips From The Winsome Women

One way to meet a rich, eligible man is to sign up for a scientific experiment, preferably one that takes place overnight, where there will be plenty of time for intimate one-on-one interaction with the doctor.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Tanaka asked me if they usually do something special for Christmas there. I told him that the head nurse doesn't allow decorations to be put up too early, but promised him I would get there by 6 a.m. Christmas morning to decorate the place before any of the patients wake up.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Fear of catching the coronavirus is a great excuse to avoid kissing unattractive people under the mistletoe.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

While children likely won't notice the stains on your Santa outfit, their parents might. You don't want to jeopardize your job at the mall, so have your costume professionally cleaned.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Today at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mrs. Lieberman said she was a little sad that there wouldn't be as much money coming in to the poker club each week now that one of the three rooms is no longer vacant. But she was quick to add that she does enjoy playing with Mr. Tanaka, the newest patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Everyone else there seems to like him too, including Sniffles The Eighth, who spent the entire afternoon curled at his feet.

Winsome Family Christmas Tips

Kiddies, I know the holidays are a busy time for most people. So if you have a lot of evidence that you don't yet have time to dispose of properly, put it in large cardboard boxes and wrap those boxes in pretty paper to use as part of your elaborate outdoor holiday display. That will buy you another month before you have to dispose of it.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

If you are storing evidence in a bus terminal locker, be sure to use a combination lock. You don't want to have a key the authorities could discover in your possession that could easily connect you to the locker and its contents.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, now is the perfect time to buy stock in companies that manufacture wire hangers.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

There was some confusion today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Soon after Mr. Smith dropped off the girls, an elderly man came into the activity room. He told me that a young woman had just woken him and kicked him out of his room, saying he didn't have an appointment. He said he'd been living in that room since Wednesday evening, when his grandson dropped him off, and now asked where he was supposed to go. It took a little while, but it became clear that Mr. Tanaka was a new patient at the Birch Street Nursing Home, and that Angel no longer had a room where her doctors could visit her. Since she had a full day of doctor's appointments already scheduled, I asked Mr. Tanaka to join us at the poker table until Angel went home. Later, when Mr. Smith picked up the girls, I had to tell him that only two rooms would be available from now on instead of three. Mr. Smith was upset at the news, but said he would probably rotate the girls so that all three could still meet with their doctors.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Keep your car dirty, so that the mud obscuring your license plate number won't seem out of place.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you meet someone who closely resembles you, keep tabs on her. She could prove very useful if you ever need to fake your own death. After all, someone has to be in that casket.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I decided to hold a fire drill today at the Birch Street Nursing Home. Even though it had been a long time since our last drill, I thought this one would go quickly because there are fewer patients alive now and no one had to carry out Hazel. I didn't announce it was a drill, and pretended there really was a fire. But things went wrong right from the start. When I blew the whistle, Sniffles The Eighth was startled and bit Mr. Pearlman. Mrs. Patterson managed to barricade herself in her room and swore that Mrs. Shimshack was not going to take her last few possessions. Mrs. Henley took a long time because she kept going back inside to save more food. Mr. Matthews also took a long time, and when I went to his room to check on him, he was under his bed searching for a certain children's catalogue. It took more than an hour, and when I finally got everyone outside, Mr. Smith was already arriving with the girls. So I quickly announced it was just a drill and told everyone to go back inside. Mr. Matthews looked relieved. Later I noticed that not all the food made it back onto the pantry shelves.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home: Thanksgiving Edition

The patients at the Birch Street Nursing Home had a good Thanksgiving, except for Mr. Pearlman, who found one more trip wire left by Mrs. Patterson. While everyone else sat around the poker table and said what he or she was thankful for, Mr. Pearlman stayed in his room, resting his swollen knees. Mrs. Lieberman said she's thankful for the extra money brought in for the poker club by renting the three rooms to Mr. Smith. Mrs. Patterson said she is thankful that her trip wires work, and added that it's just a matter of time before she catches Mrs. Shimshack. Mrs. Kunkle is thankful that there aren't more windows and light switches at the Birch Street Nursing Home, because then her rounds would take all day. Mrs. Macmillan said she's thankful she didn't have to listen to Mr. Pearlman whining after today's fall. Mr. Matthews is thankful that his children's Christmas catalogues came early this year. Mrs. Henley said she's still thankful that one of Cinnamon's doctors accidentally ended up in her room. And I'm thankful that there haven't been any fires at the Birch Street Nursing Home this year, especially since we haven't been practicing our fire drill.

Grandmother Winsome's Thanksgiving Message

It's that special day when we declare what we are thankful for. Well, today I am thankful for professional football referees who are interested in making an extra buck. I have bets on all three games today, Kiddies. So far I am one for one!

Fanny Mail: A Question About Thanksgiving

Kiddies, I just received an email from Martin Brown of Rutland, Vermont. Martin writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, now that Covid restrictions have loosened, my family is planning a big Thanksgiving celebration. I fear I can't use the pandemic as an excuse for my absence this year. Do you have any suggestions for airtight excuses? In previous years, I've used illness, car trouble, and taking a friend to the hospital. And one year, out of desperation, I committed a small crime right in front of the police station in order to get arrested on Thanksgiving. Last year, Covid kept the family apart on the holiday. But what can I do about Thanksgiving this year?"

Well, Martin, one option is to tell your family you've volunteered at a soup kitchen, and don't want to risk getting anyone sick after being around all those homeless people. If you think they wouldn't believe you'd volunteer, then tell them a pipe burst in your home and you are stuck there wringing out towels until a plumber can arrive after the holiday.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

Yesterday at the Birch Street Nursing Home, after Mr. Smith picked up the girls and handed me the money for their rooms, there was a loud ruckus outside. I couldn't tell where it was coming from, because it was already dark, but there was some banging and then a scream. The noises frightened the patients, and they didn't want me to leave. So I waited until they'd all fallen asleep before walking home.