Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, if you're a non-union actor who's gotten away with a felony, and you hear they're producing a television special on the unsolved crime, don't allow your agent to send you out on the audition to do the reenactment. Your presence in the program might be just the thing to jog a witness' memory.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you park your car in a high-crime area, don't pay the renewal on your vehicle registration early, because if your car is stolen before the due date the government is not likely to refund your money.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

This morning at the Birch Street Nursing Home, Mr. Richards called a meeting of all the patients. He said there are still a few minor improvements to do in the activity room, including replacing the drapes, but that meanwhile work should begin in the nurses' office before the head nurse changes her mind about their deal. He divided the patients into two teams. The first team was responsible for removing the calendar and pictures from the walls, while the other team got busy covering the desks and carpet with trashbags, so that no paint would get on anything. Once everything was set, I took out what was left of the yellow paint, and all the patients except Mr. Pearlman got to work painting the office. The head nurse had left a note for me saying that she did not want a mauve accent wall. She also said in her note that the nurses reserve the right to use the activity room whenever the patients aren't in there, but I didn't bother telling the patients that. Only one wall got finished today, and when it was done I saw that there was very little paint left for the other walls. Mrs. Lieberman was not happy about taking more money from the poker fund to spruce up the nurses' office, but she did give me enough for another can of yellow paint and also to pick up the new drapes for the activity room.

Grandmother Winsome's Tax Tip

Kiddies, if you are unhappy about writing out a check to the U.S. Treasury, head on over to the nearest federal building and take something that's worth at least as much as what you owe.

Grandmother Winsome's Tax Tip

Kiddies, if you need to file for an extension on your taxes, remember that you don't have to check the box that says you're out of the country, especially if you wish to keep your travels secret. In fact, you're not required to provide any explanation at all.

Grandmother Winsome's Tax Tip

Until they modernize the tax rules, your robot maid does not count as a dependent, even though you are providing it with special care and a home.

Grandmother Winsome's Tax Tip

Kiddies, remember that even if you feed your children dog food and make them sleep outside, they still count as dependents on your tax form.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

I didn't get much sleep last night, because I was worried about the head nurse's response to my letter about the activity room. After a lot of tossing and turning, I decided to just get up and go to the Birch Street Nursing Home early. When I got there, the patients were not even awake yet. But there was a note from the head nurse. I quickly read it and then wanted to wake the patients and tell them the good news. The head nurse had agreed to let the patients back into the activity room and had accepted their offer to spruce up the nurses' office in exchange. I let the patients sleep, and meanwhile dragged the poker table and chairs up from my basement laboratory. What a great surprise it was for the patients to see the poker table back in the activity room where it belongs. Mrs. Lieberman was especially excited, and after she won the first two hands of poker, she sent me to the gas station with her winnings to buy snacks for all the patients to celebrate their victory over the nurses.

Grandmother Winsome's Legal Advice

Kiddies, it's never a good idea to put in the life insurance claim the same day that your loved one dies, even if you're desperate for the money. Remember that you are expected to grieve for at least a week. So wait as long as possible before putting in the claim. Maybe even miss a car payment or skip your utilies bill to show that your mind is too occupied with grief to consider such mundane matters. Keep in mind that the police and insurance companies are often in contact with each other after a suspicious death, and you don't want to draw extra scrutiny by seeming too eager.

Cindy's Job At The Birch Street Nursing Home

When I got to the Birch Street Nursing Home this morning, Mr. Richards called a group meeting of the patients, which we held in the hallway just outside the activity room. The meeting was to discuss their banishment from the activity room. Mr. Richards started the meeting by saying that it was unfair for the nurses to take over the room, since the patients had done all the work in improving it. Mrs. Lieberman added that they had also paid for all the improvements out of the poker club money. Mrs. Patterson raised her hand and suggested the patients go on a hunger strike until the activity room is returned to them, but Mrs. Henley quickly put a stop to that idea. No one else had any ideas, and the patients turned to me. So I took a piece of paper out of my backpack and began a letter to the head nurse. I wrote how pleased the patients are that the nurses like the activity room, but they feel they should be allowed to relax and play games in there. I also wrote that there is some paint left over, and that the patients would be happy to use it to spruce up the nurses' office to make their place as nice as the activity room. When I was done with the letter, I read it to the patients, who indicated their approval with applause. I signed the letter and left it on the head nurse's desk. By then, the patients were exhausted from standing in the hallway for so long, and went up to their rooms for a nap.

Fanny Mail: An April Fools' Question From A Paramedic

Kiddies, I just received an email from Billy DiCarlo of East Providence, Rhode Island. Billy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I work as a paramedic. And as you are probably aware, those of us in the medical field try to keep a sense of humor about our jobs. Well, yesterday we picked up a woman who'd been in a car accident and we couldn't help but notice that her face resembled a bulldog. So as a joke we took her to the local veterinarian instead of the hospital. Once she regained consciousness and saw where she was, my partner and I shouted out, "April fools!" She didn't find it funny at all, and neither did my boss. I probably wouldn't have been suspended if the woman had survived, but she died on the way to the real hospital. Why does no one have a sense of humor anymore?"

Billy, it's true that people take things much too seriously these days, and there are several subjects that are considered off limits with regards to jokes. But I suspect that privately people find these things funny. And your boss might have had a good chuckle in his office before he reprimanded you. So don't worry about it too much, and don't let this be cause for abandoning your sense of humor. This will blow over soon, and others will acknowledge the humor of your prank. And in time, people will admit that much of what offends them now is actually hilarious.