Fanny Mail: A New Contest In California

Today I received a letter from Vera Worthington of Santa Rosa, California. Vera writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, the other day I read about an ugly dog contest, and it got me thinking. My daughter Shauna is not pretty. She's also not smart or athletic. She has no aptitude for baking, and has no skill in any artistic area. She's never won any awards, or even come close. I want her to excel at something, so I decided to create the World's Ugliest Child contest, following the model of the ugly dog contest. I thought it would be a fun way for children of a certain level to meet each other, and for their parents to have something to boast about. I know it sometimes takes these things a while to catch on, but I was disappointed that not a single other parent entered a child in my contest. My daughter won, but it wasn't as much fun for her as I'd hoped. In fact, she seems really down. What can I do to make this contest more of a success next year?" 

Sweetie, you can use your daughter to promote it. Have her pose in her crown and sash, or whatever she received as a prize, and post those photos on a website dedicated to the competition. And when it gets closer to the time, have posters made up with your daughter's image, and hang them in all the prominent businesses in town. It will be a way not only to get the word out about your new contest, but also a way to raise your daughter's spirits.

Fanny Mail: A Vegan Question

Kiddies, I just received an email from Jim White of Manila in the Philippines. Jim writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've been a vegan now for almost two decades, but in my younger days I used to eat a lot of meat. When the local orphanage burned down last month, the smell of barbecue lingered in the air near my home for more than a week, and it got me craving meat again. After a lot of contemplation, I decided not to go back to my old ways, and I was wondering about vegan options. There are vegan foods that look and taste just like beef, vegan foods that look and taste like chicken, and even vegan foods that look and taste like pork. Is there a vegan food that looks and tastes just like children?"

I'm not aware of any such food, Sweetie. As far as I can tell, it's an untapped area of the food industry. So if you know anyone in the business, you could partner up and corner the market. If you don't have a friend in the business, try selling the idea to one of the major vegan companies.

Fanny Mail: A Robot Maid Update

Yesterday I received a delightful letter from Dieter Mengele of Buenos Aires, Argentina. Dieter writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I've followed with great interest your experiments over the years, and most recently the updates on your robot maid. I too have been conducting some interesting experiments. And I too have my own robot maid. I wanted to share with you a special program that I created for my maid which allows her to detect one hundred twenty-four different types of poison. You'll find the specifications included. Your devoted fan, Dieter."

Thank you, Sweetie. I got right to installing the program in my robot maid, and then tested a good dozen poisons I had lying around Winsome Headquarters. She was able to detect even the smallest amount of each of them. I am extremely pleased with the results, though I did have to make a couple of minor adjustments to the program to keep her from raising her right arm in salute every time I entered the room and to stop her from yelling at my Jewish neighbors.

Fanny Mail: An April Fools' Question From A Paramedic

Kiddies, I just received an email from Billy DiCarlo of East Providence, Rhode Island. Billy writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I work as a paramedic. And as you are probably aware, those of us in the medical field try to keep a sense of humor about our jobs. Well, yesterday we picked up a woman who'd been in a car accident and we couldn't help but notice that her face resembled a bulldog. So as a joke we took her to the local veterinarian instead of the hospital. Once she regained consciousness and saw where she was, my partner and I shouted out, "April fools!" She didn't find it funny at all, and neither did my boss. I probably wouldn't have been suspended if the woman had survived, but she died on the way to the real hospital. Why does no one have a sense of humor anymore?"

Billy, it's true that people take things much too seriously these days, and there are several subjects that are considered off limits with regards to jokes. But I suspect that privately people find these things funny. And your boss might have had a good chuckle in his office before he reprimanded you. So don't worry about it too much, and don't let this be cause for abandoning your sense of humor. This will blow over soon, and others will acknowledge the humor of your prank. And in time, people will admit that much of what offends them now is actually hilarious. 

Fanny Mail: A Question About Death And Computer Access

Kiddies, a few minutes ago I received an email from Emily Holt of Canton, Ohio. Emily writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my husband of thirty-six years suddenly died Tuesday. He was in charge of our finances, and had all our important documents saved on his computer. I went searching for his password, because I know a mortgage payment and other bills will be due soon, but couldn't find it. Then I remembered that when he set up his new computer, he used a fingerprint scanner to log in. So I have no idea how to access our documents. What should I do?"

Emily, even if the plan was to cremate the body, that likely hasn't yet happened. So you can get access to your husband's finger. But before you barge into the funeral home with a pair of hedge clippers, consider taking the laptop to the body. Be prepared with some lotion to rehydrate that index finger to get a good print. Taking the laptop to the body will work if you only need to access those documents once. But if you expect you'll need to access his computer again, then you'll have to bring that finger home.

Fanny Mail: A Question About Jury Duty

Kiddies, today I received an email from Wilbur McAdoo of Westville, Oklahoma. Wilbur writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, as you are probably aware, it's not very difficult to get a pardon these days. Still, I was really happy to receive one for my felony, at least until I realized that it meant I was again eligible for jury duty. Is there a way to remain both out of prison and out of the jury pool?"

That's a good question, Wilbur. No one wants to deal with jury duty, though it's not quite as bad as being imprisoned. The good news is there are ways to avoid it without getting arrested for another felony. You could become a law enforcement official or licensed attorney or judge, for people in those occupations are not eligible for jury duty. Of those three, law enforcement official is the only one that doesn't require any education, and so is the easiest, quickest route. But if that is not an appealing option, another thing to do is have sexual relations with all the judges in your town. While that won't get you out of the jury pool, a relationship with a judge will disqualify you from serving. In a lot of places, being a student keeps you from having to serve, so you could enroll in a free community college course. Just be sure to never finish the course.

Fanny Mail: A Tooth Fairy Question

Kiddies, I just received an email from Maria Gonzalez of San Diego, California. Maria writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, this morning our six-year-old son had an accident on his skateboard. He went into the street and crashed into a parked car, in the process losing several of his front teeth. Well, now he says he's putting all those teeth under his pillow for the tooth fairy tonight. I told him that it only counts if a tooth falls out naturally. These missing teeth are due to his own inability on the skateboard, and he shouldn't be rewarded for incompetence. Besides, at a dollar a tooth, that would mean a loss of four dollars for my husband and me, and we just aren't willing to spend that kind of money on our children. Our son has been crying for the last hour, but we feel we aren't being unreasonable. What do you think?" 

Sweetie, I totally understand and I don't think you and your husband are being unreasonable. Carelessness should not be rewarded. However, your son would have naturally lost those teeth eventually, and you'd be out the four dollars at some point. So why not tell him he can put just one of those teeth under his pillow tonight, but must wait on the others? Then if he's good and has no other accidents, you can allow him to put another of those teeth under his pillow once every other week. That way, you won't feel the loss in your pocketbook as much, and your son might learn to be more careful with his toys.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In West Hollywood

Kiddies, the Halloween photos keep coming in, and I couldn't be more delighted. This email comes from Liam Michaels of West Hollywood, California. Liam writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my friends and I are having a fabulous time out at the clubs tonight. We are avid readers of Jane's dating advice, and even though we're all still single, we decided to pay homage to Jane on Halloween."

Wonderful, Sweeties! I will be sure to let Jane know she has some fans.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In Baltimore

Kiddies, I am delighted that so many of my fans, including prominent members of society, are dressing up as me for Halloween. I just received an email from the Honorable William Brown of Baltimore, Maryland. The Honorable William Brown writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I adjourned court early so that I could properly celebrate your birthday. There is a pub nearby with excellent happy hour deals, and since it's Halloween I'm dressing as my favorite legal scholar. Happy birthday!"

Thank you, Sweetie! And it's wonderful to know that you're enjoying my Legal Advice posts. Happy Halloween.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In Warwick

Kiddies, I am tickled pink that children are getting in on the Halloween action. I just received an email from Nikki Sullivan of Warwick, Rhode Island. Nikki writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my friends and I decided to dress up for Halloween, even though it's frowned upon at our parochial school. We'll do our penance later, but for now we're having fun. Happy Halloween!" 

Happy Halloween, Nikki! You and your friends look great.

Fanny Mail: Halloween In Salem

Halloween is here, Kiddies! And I just received another wonderful email from a fan, this one from Danielle Wright of Salem, Oregon. Danielle writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I just dropped off my toddler at day care, and wanted to share the photo I took of her before I head to work. Happy birthday and happy Halloween!"

What a smart-looking child! Happy Halloween to you too, Danielle.

Fanny Mail: Another Perfect Halloween Costume

Kiddies, Halloween is tomorrow. Have you picked out your costume? I just received a wonderful email from Sophia Papadopoulos of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and she has her costume all set. Sophia writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I stay at home on Halloween and hand out candy to the kids in my apartment building. I've been wearing the same costume for the last three years, and had planned to wear it again this year. But I was inspired by the Fanny Mail from Susan Dwyer you posted on Sunday. So yesterday I went out to purchase the necessary items. For the first time in three years, my witch's broom will stay in the closet. I've attached a photo of the outfit I'll be wearing tomorrow. Happy Halloween!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! Thanks for sharing that photo. Happy Halloween!

Fanny Mail: The Perfect Halloween Costume

Kiddies, I just received the most delightful email from Susan Dwyer of Ames, Iowa. Susan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, our local children's charity held an event yesterday, and since it was so close to Halloween, all the adults decided to dress up. I hope you won't mind, but I decided to go as my favorite celebrity – Grandmother Winsome. I am attaching a photo of myself at the event. Happy Halloween, and happy birthday!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! Of course I don't mind. I am tickled pink that you chose to go as me. 

Fanny Mail: Another New Fan

Kiddies, I just received a delightful email from Maureen Lambert of Toms River, New Jersey. Maureen writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I had been putting off my annual checkup with the optometrist for several years, but finally went in yesterday. And I noticed that she was using a new eye chart, which spelled out the sentence 'Follow Grandmother Winsome.' I asked her about it, and she was only too pleased to tell me about Grandmother's Fanny Game. I promised her I would check it out. She didn't even charge me for the visit, provided that I dispose of some documents for her, which I've already done. Consider me a new fan."

Welcome aboard, Sweetie! I'm so glad to count you among my fans.

Fanny Mail: Grandmother Winsome On The High Seas

Kiddies, I just received a nice email from Roger Cuthbert, who is currently in the vicinity of French Polynesia. Roger writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my associates and I were scoping out an island, when another boat started to get a little too close for our liking. We were about to call off our work for the evening when we saw the boat's name, The Grandmother Winsome IX. Then we knew everything was okay, and waved happily to the boat's captain."

Wonderful, Sweetie! I'm always tickled pink when my fans cross paths, especially at so exotic a location.

Fanny Mail: Trouble In Wisconsin

Kiddies, just before lunch, I received an email from Scarlet Brezinski of Brookfield, Wisconsin. Scarlet writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, your legal advice has helped me avoid more than one snafu, you can be assured. I just wish I had seen your post from June 17th before I selected my latest associate. Because for the last few weeks, Forgetful Frank has caused me nothing but trouble."

Well, Scarlet, I hope you haven't grown too attached to him because it is time to cut your losses. Pay him any money you might still owe him and move on to someone with a more suitable nickname.

Fanny Mail: Concern In Ohio

Kiddies, I just received an email marked "Urgent" from Nick Taylor of Vernon, Ohio. Nick writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my wife gave birth to our first child last night, but a sense of pride at becoming a father has now turned into worry and fear. When I picked my wife and child up from the hospital today, the orderly handed me a cooler. At first, I thought nothing of it. But during the drive home, I got a little hungry and opened the cooler to see what the hospital provided. I nearly ran off the road when I saw the bloody mess that was in there. Once I regained my wits, I figured that the orderly must have given us the wrong cooler since this one contained an organ. I was about to turn the car around, when my wife calmly told me that the cooler was hers, and that what was inside was the placenta. Grandmother, it gets worse. She told me she planned to eat it tonight for dinner. I didn't know how to respond. I've heard that some women completely snap after giving birth, but thought my wife was stronger than that. It's getting close to dinner time. I hear her in the kitchen now chopping the onions. What should I do?"

Grab your baby and get out of there. From what I've read, once a woman gets a desire for human flesh, she is not easily sated. Nick, both you and your baby are in danger. While your wife is busy cooking, gather up some clothing and any medicine you might need and leave the house. You can return for your other possessions when your wife is out prowling the town for more flesh.

Fanny Mail: A Fan Scores In Edmonton

Kiddies, I am catching up on some email that I received in the past week, including a message from Tristan Brown, a fan in Edmonton, Alberta. Tristan writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, what a game last night! I hadn't been to a hockey game since I was a kid. But after I read your legal tip on a good way of getting rid of a hat that might have been visible on security cameras, I bought a ticket and went to the arena. As luck would have it, one of the stars of the home team scored a hat trick. Hundreds of hats went flying onto the ice, including the one I used at a job a week ago. Thank you for that wonderful tip and for rekindling my interest in hockey. I had a blast!"

Wonderful, Sweetie! I actually was watching that game, and it tickles me to know that one of the hats I saw flying from the seats was yours. Enjoy the rest of the series.

Fanny Mail: A Fan's Response To A Tip For Better Living

Kiddies, I just received an email from Joey Chen of San Mateo, California. Joey writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, I liked your helpful tip from February 6th about making drones look less suspicious. My only concern was getting enough feathers to cover my drone. I was planning on hunting some birds over the weekend, until my sister reminded me that I had promised to take my nephews to the zoo. I was annoyed, but it turned out the zoo had a couple of peacocks. When we left, our pockets were stuffed with peacock feathers. But it didn't quite work out the way I had hoped, because those big, colorful feathers actually drew more attention to my drone rather than less, and I had to quickly call off the operation. As long as my sister doesn't remind me of some other commitment I made, I plan on using the next few evenings to snare some pigeons. I just wanted to write to you to keep your other fans from making a hasty choice in feathers like I did."

Thanks for sharing your experience, Sweetie. Those pigeon feathers should do the trick. And don't be quick to toss out those peacock feathers. They can be used for decorations, and some people believe they bring good luck.

Fanny Mail: A Runner's Problem

Kiddies, today I received a message from Todd Gibbs of Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Todd writes: "Dear Grandmother Winsome, my favorite exercise is running. But I overdid it last week, and now my right foot makes a snapping noise with every step I take. It is loud, Grandmother. And it has made it extremely difficult to sneak up on people. Will this problem fix itself, or am I going to have to make some big changes in my life?"

Well, Todd, this has happened to me several times over the years, and is nothing to worry too much about. It sounds like a case of crepitus. What you need to do is rest your foot and ice it up frequently. Apply compression bandaging, and whenever you can, elevate that foot. You'll be back to successfully sneaking around in no time!