Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

An occasional crime spree in your neighborbood might be just the ticket to keeping property values down so that you don't get hit with a big tax bill.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you have a baby on the way and are setting up the nursery, don't feel you have to paint the room baby blue or baby pink. Instead, paint it a color that you love. That way, if the baby does not survive birth, you'll have a freshly painted room to enjoy for yourself.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Encourage your child to drop out of high school. That way, you won't have to sit through that tedious graduation ceremony.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, be leery of accepting any gifts from new acqaintances, because listening devices are small enough these days that they can be placed in almost anything. That potted plant could be recording your conversations and transmitting them. So find a polite way of turning down any such gifts. 

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, while being pregnant is a perfect excuse to get you out of jury duty, if your name is Roger and you have a beard, all the fake padding in the world won't be enough to convince a judge that you're with child.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you're busy, as I am with research these days, and don't want to be disturbed by mundane household concerns, reprogram your robot maid to interact with your family members, engage in small talk and perform acts of affection.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you park your car in a high-crime area, don't pay the renewal on your vehicle registration early, because if your car is stolen before the due date the government is not likely to refund your money.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If there is an elderly person in your family, hold off buying a birthday gift until the last minute, because it might end up not being necessary.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

When hiring a cleaning service, be sure to choose one that offers "emergency cleaning," and make sure the operation is in business twenty-four hours a day and that there is no limit on how far the cleaners will travel. As soon as they show up for an emergency cleaning, be sure to give them a big tip, directly proportional to how big the job is. Then you can rest easy, knowing that every last bit of DNA will be wiped from the scene.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you're concerned about job security, rather than working toward additional degrees or certifications in your chosen field, simply dig up some dirt on your boss. It's faster and more fun.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you're planning on feeding evidence to a lion, keep in mind you don't have to lower yourself into its enclosure and hand-feed the animal. Just toss the body parts in its general direction. If the lion is hungry enough, all the work will be done for you.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If you wish to impress that special someone with an expensive piece of jewelry, don't heist it from a famous museum. In this distrustful climate, sneaky curators are known to secretly replace their best pieces with cheap plastic replicas, and those won't impress anyone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, if you need to submerge a vehicle, avoid the reservoir if it's the source of your drinking water.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Keep a can of grey paint and a thick paintbrush in your car for those times when the only street parking available is in a red zone.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, the price of food at restaurants is outrageous. So go ahead and take the silverware or a set of dishes, especially if they're nicer than the ones you have at home.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Kiddies, air travel is a little dicey these days, so for your personal item, bring along a parachute. It will fit nicely under the seat in front of you. The stewardess might get a little testy if you wear it during her safety speech, but once the pilot orders her to take her seat, you should be able to strap it on without anyone bothering you.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If a neighbor's child is injured on your property, it's best to finish him off and bury the evidence rather than risk a lawsuit from his parents.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

If there is a questionable package you need to send through the mail, now is the perfect time. Slap a few Valentine's Day stickers on the box, and the postal workers will let it go. No one wants to ruin a Valentine's Day surprise.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

It's a good idea to befriend a family of cannibals. That way, someone who can consume certain evidence for you is always just a phone call away.

Grandmother Winsome's Tips For Better Living

Wearing a gi, the traditional karate outfit, along with a black belt, in crowded squares and tourist spots will help deter pickpockets from bothering you.